Reply to Does anyone have any experience in naming the other woman in the divorce proceedings?

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Reply to "Does anyone have any experience in naming the other woman in the divorce proceedings?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I did not have to name my ex in divorce proceedings because we were engaged and living together for 5+ years.  I had ample evidence of cheating and other bad behavior, although there was no other kid. I leveraged that to get sole custody.  The kids live with me full-time and their father visits several times a week.  During the school week, he eats dinner at my house with them.  Sometimes I am there; sometimes I am not.  He has one weekend day with them.  No overnights.  This custody arrangement has lasted 10+ years.

What did exDH get out of this?  I only told my family and friends about the reality of our split.  All of them continue to be courteous to his face for the sake of his relationship with our children.  I told none of his friends nor any of his family members.  We also have many professional contacts in common; I told none of them.  DH gets to maintain his reputation as a good guy -- both to the world and to himself.  He writes a custody check, dines and plays a few days a week with his kids and is completely clueless to the wreckage he has left behind.  This is the primary goal of a cheater: to be able to maintain the public facade.

I believe my having sole custody has been great for the kids.  They have a good relationship with him.  But, there is none of the downside of shifting homes.  They get the support they need in every aspect of their life, and live with someone (me) who is capable of their needs and teaching them life skills (including morality, healthy sexuality, and how to have healthy interpersonal relationships).   The evidence I found indicated that he really wasn't capable of being a responsible parent.  Nothing he has done in the interim has really changed that judgement.  The kids have a very stable home with me and are doing well.

I don't regret at all doing this.  But, I will say that it comes at a great cost to me, personally.  First, there is a psychic cost of having to continue to engage with an abuser.   And, believe me, the level of deceit and manipulation necessary to pull off long term cheating and another kid/family is a very deep traumatic form of abuse.  Also, there is the cost to being the sole responsible parent who is always there.  It has basically wrecked my professional life, and definitely put a serious crimp in my personal life.  But, even so, my kids and I are happy and they will have a good foundation for life.

If you feel this is appropriate, don't let others guilt you into something else.  They don't know your situation.  Your husband put himself in his situation.  You are not doing anything bad by taking the time to weight the value of telling (or not telling) your own story of this situation.  
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