OP, I did not have to name my ex in divorce proceedings because we were engaged and living together for 5+ years. I had ample evidence of cheating and other bad behavior, although there was no other kid. I leveraged that to get sole custody. The kids live with me full-time and their father visits several times a week. During the school week, he eats dinner at my house with them. Sometimes I am there; sometimes I am not. He has one weekend day with them. No overnights. This custody arrangement has lasted 10+ years.

What did exDH get out of this? I only told my family and friends about the reality of our split. All of them continue to be courteous to his face for the sake of his relationship with our children. I told none of his friends nor any of his family members. We also have many professional contacts in common; I told none of them. DH gets to maintain his reputation as a good guy -- both to the world and to himself. He writes a custody check, dines and plays a few days a week with his kids and is completely clueless to the wreckage he has left behind. This is the primary goal of a cheater: to be able to maintain the public facade.

I believe my having sole custody has been great for the kids. They have a good relationship with him. But, there is none of the downside of shifting homes. They get the support they need in every aspect of their life, and live with someone (me) who is capable of their needs and teaching them life skills (including morality, healthy sexuality, and how to have healthy interpersonal relationships). The evidence I found indicated that he really wasn't capable of being a responsible parent. Nothing he has done in the interim has really changed that judgement. The kids have a very stable home with me and are doing well.

I don't regret at all doing this. But, I will say that it comes at a great cost to me, personally. First, there is a psychic cost of having to continue to engage with an abuser. And, believe me, the level of deceit and manipulation necessary to pull off long term cheating and another kid/family is a very deep traumatic form of abuse. Also, there is the cost to being the sole responsible parent who is always there. It has basically wrecked my professional life, and definitely put a serious crimp in my personal life. But, even so, my kids and I are happy and they will have a good foundation for life.

If you feel this is appropriate, don't let others guilt you into something else. They don't know your situation. Your husband put himself in his situation. You are not doing anything bad by taking the time to weight the value of telling (or not telling) your own story of this situation.

Anonymous wrote:So you want to blackmail your husband in order to prevent the court from ordering what's best for your children, which in most cases is joint custody?

Hopefully he has enough balls to fight back.

Probably not, since he already threw the family under the bus and fathered a lovechild (!)

Anonymous wrote:I am contemplating filing for divorce. I have proof of adultery (birth certificate that names DH as a father for a child he had with the other woman). If you've gone through a divorce based on adultery, is there any negotiating power that comes from threatening to bring the other woman in? She and DH come from a culture that prizes privacy and hates embarrassment in public.

Did you have a prenup?

I'm sorry OP that happened to you. Don't contemplate filing, do it.

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

That's not necessarily true either. Your best strategy is to talk to a family law attorney in your jurisdiction.

Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you want to blackmail your husband in order to prevent the court from ordering what's best for your children, which in most cases is joint custody?

Hopefully he has enough balls to fight back.

I will allow liberal visitation in exchange for sole legal custody. He has routinely brought my children into another woman's house so that "siblings could have a relationship", unbeknownst to me. This means he has placed the children into an unhealthy moral environment, allowing them to witness his adulterous behavior, and making them keep a secret from their mother. I don't think this will endear him to the judge...

The judge will not care.

You think a father who makes a six-year old lie to cover for him could possibly be a good parent? A benevolent influence?

It doesn't matter what I think. I know how judges think both from working in the legal field and from my own experience. Unless your DH was snorting coke off her naked body in front of the kids, it won't make much difference to a family court judge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you want to blackmail your husband in order to prevent the court from ordering what's best for your children, which in most cases is joint custody?

Hopefully he has enough balls to fight back.

I will allow liberal visitation in exchange for sole legal custody. He has routinely brought my children into another woman's house so that "siblings could have a relationship", unbeknownst to me. This means he has placed the children into an unhealthy moral environment, allowing them to witness his adulterous behavior, and making them keep a secret from their mother. I don't think this will endear him to the judge...

The judge will not care.

You think a father who makes a six-year old lie to cover for him could possibly be a good parent? A benevolent influence?

Getting sole custody is virtually impossible. Unless he is abusing the children and/or shows a pattern of consistent negligence (and even then, that's not a slam dunk), no judge will sign off on giving you sole custody. Making your kid lie about seeing the other woman? Happens all the time, and judges award joint custody. Remember, the judge will have the final say in your divorce.

Anonymous wrote:If he cared that much about what was best for the kids he would have kept it in his pants.

Does that mean that the other parent should also fail to care what's best for the kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you want to blackmail your husband in order to prevent the court from ordering what's best for your children, which in most cases is joint custody?

Hopefully he has enough balls to fight back.

I will allow liberal visitation in exchange for sole legal custody. He has routinely brought my children into another woman's house so that "siblings could have a relationship", unbeknownst to me. This means he has placed the children into an unhealthy moral environment, allowing them to witness his adulterous behavior, and making them keep a secret from their mother. I don't think this will endear him to the judge...

The judge will not care.

You think a father who makes a six-year old lie to cover for him could possibly be a good parent? A benevolent influence?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you want to blackmail your husband in order to prevent the court from ordering what's best for your children, which in most cases is joint custody?

Hopefully he has enough balls to fight back.

I will allow liberal visitation in exchange for sole legal custody. He has routinely brought my children into another woman's house so that "siblings could have a relationship", unbeknownst to me. This means he has placed the children into an unhealthy moral environment, allowing them to witness his adulterous behavior, and making them keep a secret from their mother. I don't think this will endear him to the judge...

The judge will not care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am contemplating filing for divorce. I have proof of adultery (birth certificate that names DH as a father for a child he had with the other woman). If you've gone through a divorce based on adultery, is there any negotiating power that comes from threatening to bring the other woman in? She and DH come from a culture that prizes privacy and hates embarrassment in public.

Was there a paternity test?

Not to my knowledge. He admits the child is his. He sees her regularly.

Anonymous wrote:So you want to blackmail your husband in order to prevent the court from ordering what's best for your children, which in most cases is joint custody?

Hopefully he has enough balls to fight back.

I will allow liberal visitation in exchange for sole legal custody. He has routinely brought my children into another woman's house so that "siblings could have a relationship", unbeknownst to me. This means he has placed the children into an unhealthy moral environment, allowing them to witness his adulterous behavior, and making them keep a secret from their mother. I don't think this will endear him to the judge...

If he cared that much about what was best for the kids he would have kept it in his pants.

Anonymous wrote:
OP is the breadwinner, not getting money.

OP said she wants child support.

Anonymous wrote:I am contemplating filing for divorce. I have proof of adultery (birth certificate that names DH as a father for a child he had with the other woman). If you've gone through a divorce based on adultery, is there any negotiating power that comes from threatening to bring the other woman in? She and DH come from a culture that prizes privacy and hates embarrassment in public.

Was there a paternity test?