Reply to Am I forever at fault no matter what I've done since then?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The thing that cheated on spouses need to understand is you can't stay in the marriage and also never let go of the anger and resentment. It's normal if that's how you feel and you can't get past it but you don't get to tell your spouse you want to stay married and then punish them in perpetuity. Committing to the marriage means assessing your own part in the situation and also WORKING to move past the incident so you can build a new marriage. It doesn't mean trapping someone into a relationship where they're never ever forgiven and are forever punished. [/quote]

I do not believe any cheated upon spouse who has a partner who is truly remorseful and constantly working on earning back trust behaves this way. What the cheater is concerned with is not feeling guilty anymore, not making their partner feel loved and secure. They just want things to go back to normal without doing the hard work to make it right. Unfortunately that hard work doesn't feed their egos and requires selflessness. Not a cheater's strong suit.[/quote]

It's been 3 years! How long is he supposed to debase himself? You and I have no idea who did what in this marriage or who is doing what to make it better now, so we can set aside any speculation there. The thing that OP reports is she is unhappy, the marriage is lifeless and no forgiveness or moving forward has been accomplished. It's possible she isn't capable, and she is within her rights to not be. But then don't hang on to the dying marriage. If you say you'll stay married to the cheating spouse, and the cheating spouse refuses to work on the marriage, then leave. If you say you'll stay married to the cheating spouse, but you really just intend to avoid the dirty work of divorce and stay married in name only while holding this over your spouse's head for years, you need to leave. It does nobody any good to drag out a charade like this when forgiveness and rebuilding either cannot or will be done. [/quote]

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