Reply to Am I forever at fault no matter what I've done since then?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I cheated and lied about it and she found out. I ended the affair immediately, begged for forgiveness and have been, I believe, a loving and caring husband ever since as best as I can. Fast forward three years and there still is no warmth or intimacy from her, despite my efforts.  We have been in counseling and both have our own therapists but there is very little movement and she seems completely uninterested in creating any.

I have almost gotten to the point where I can't keep going without any physical affection and very little emotional life between us.  I feel very grateful that she didn't leave me as that would have been well within her rights, although hell on the kids, but is there ever a point that I can leave and not feel guilty? Or at least leave and have people understand?  Or do I need to stick it out as long as she's willing to?

She's clearly not happy and I think probably would have left if not for the kids (both under 10), and says she wants a physical and emotional connection with someone, but is unwilling to try and get that from me. I suppose she could be having her own affair but I don't think so.

Anyway, I know I'm the original sinner and am not expecting sympathy, but just some perspective and insight. Thanks. [/quote]

You will be forever at fault for cheating on your wife. You are to be commended for trying to repair your marriage, which is not something you can do on your own. Have you discussed the lack of forward progress in counseling? Usually one of the things that gets discussed is what the wronged spouse needs to feel secure in the marriage and specific things you can do to facilitate those things.

How was your intimate life before your affair? Is it possible that there is a fundamental drive incompatibility underlying the fallout from your affair? It is normal for her to feel apprehensive about intimacy with someone who betrayed her (intimately) and it can take time to recover from that, but if you are disconnected to the point that she is not able to connect with you and isn't interested in fixing that situation, I think your marriage is doomed.

You are trying to fix it. She is not. Later, when you are looking back, you will be responsible for the divorce because absent your affair, her disconnect wouldn't exist. [/quote]

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