Reply to Am I forever at fault no matter what I've done since then?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I cheated and lied about it and she found out. I ended the affair immediately, begged for forgiveness and have been, I believe, a loving and caring husband ever since as best as I can. Fast forward three years and there still is no warmth or intimacy from her, despite my efforts.  We have been in counseling and both have our own therapists but there is very little movement and she seems completely uninterested in creating any.

I have almost gotten to the point where I can't keep going without any physical affection and very little emotional life between us.  I feel very grateful that she didn't leave me as that would have been well within her rights, although hell on the kids, but [b]is there ever a point that I can leave and not feel guilty?[/b] Or at least leave and have people understand?  Or do I need to stick it out as long as she's willing to?

[b]She's clearly not happy [/b]and I think probably would have left if not for the kids (both under 10), and says she wants a physical and emotional connection with someone, but is unwilling to try and get that from me. I suppose she could be having her own affair but I don't think so.

Anyway, I know I'm the original sinner and am not expecting sympathy, but just some perspective and insight. Thanks. [/quote]

No, there's never a point that you can leave and not feel guilty.  Just like there's never going to be a point where she can be with a man (any man, not just you) and feel the same level of trust and love that she once felt with you.

You did something that broke both your lives irretrievably.  Neither of you will ever be able to go back to the way things were before your affair.  It doesn't matter how much you begged for forgiveness.  You did something that is un-doable.

Your only way forward is to build a new life that is different from the old one.  If by saying there is "no warmth or intimacy," you mean that you have not had sex in three years, then I think you have to ask yourself if you are willing to continue this way or whether it's time to accept responsibility for your actions and acknowledge that you did something that broke the marriage and it is just not fixable and time to ask for a divorce.  But, for god's sake, don't blame her for not being able to forgive you.  YOU caused this with your cheating.

When you say "she's clearly not happy".  What is she unhappy about?  What have you done to address that?  You say, "there is very little movement and she seems completely uninterested in creating any."   You seem to think it's her responsibility to repair the relationship.  It's not.  You broke it.  You have to fix it.

Grow up. [/quote]

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