Reply to If you married, the wrong person, what were the signs that you missed?

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[quote=Anonymous]I missed signs that DH is narcissistic and does not have empathy, is controlling.  It's subtle.  He was physically and emotionally abused as a child, seems well adjusted, but he's got some huge issues under the surface.

-Rules apply outside the house that don't apply in the house.  Such as not leaving dirty clothes all over the house and not leaving dirty dishes everywhere.  But he wouldn't dare do that at anyone else's house or if we were having company.

-When we moved in together and got married, the rules changed.  I am a high energy, bitchy kind of person, and I asked him several times if he was sure he was okay with that.  He said absolutely.  A month after the wedding, it was suddenly not okay and he's spent 5 years communicating (or not communicating) in various ways that my feelings and life needs do not matter.

-When I said I needed something, it was almost always ignored.  Still is.  It is as if he goes the extra mile to make life more difficult for me.  He was gone for days, I asked him if he could watch DD for 20 min while I helped set up a neighborhood event.  He said yes, and then decided he needed to shower 5 min later.  He offered to pick up dinner a couple of weeks ago.  I was starving, I didn't make dinner as a result.  He came home with no food and told me he already ate.  Whenever I ask him to buy something while he's at the store, he 9/10 times comes home without it.  This happened the most while I was pregnant.  And because he says I'm not allowed to be upset, I am not allowed to be a little pissed that there isn't any pickles and ice cream for the pregnant lady.

One of my family members was here the last time I was sick, and while he never at all helps me out when I'm sick (make bed, get water, etc), he was really helpful this last time.  My dad said he noticed that, it was odd, and that he suspected it was only because he was there.  When I was pregnant and then when our nanny was sleeping when baby was newborn, he could not be bothered to be quiet.  He actually showed no concern for my well being at all while I was pregnant, but by then, it was too late.

All of these things were there early on.  I just didn't see them.  And throwing your first, second child in the mix will bring out the worst in everyone.  [/quote]

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