Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can *talk* through disagreements; he can stay without getting overly emotional or wanting to be right or getting his way all the time. The same applies to you. You both should be looking for win-win solutions where possible. No yelling, name-calling or hitting!

Both of you need to take the committment seriously. Don't assume because he's willing to get married to you that he's committing or will stay committed. Talk about what that means to each of you so you know.

Talk about finances. How does he handle his finances? Does he live within his means and save for the future or is he an impulsive spender? Is he willing to work for what he wants? Is he willing to improve himself? You don't want a moocher who will dump all the responsibilities and work on you.

Is he overly obsessed with anything -- sports, work, his family-of-origin? Can he say 'yes' as well as 'no' to others (like his mother) with equal ease, or is he a people-pleaser?

Do you know the difference between confidence and arrogance? If not, learn what they are and how to tell the difference. You want a confident man, not an arrogant one.
http://womanitely.com/ways-difference-arrogant-confident/

Do you both have similar values and want the same kind of lifestyle? Kids or no kids? City or country living? Laissez-faire, v. non-stop go-getter? Religion? Those differences really start to chafe over time.

Does he ever lie to others in your presence or is he a man of integrity? If it's easy for him to lie, watch out. Don't assume he won't do it to you.

Single 34 woman here taking down notes. One of the reasons I'm not married, it's the fear of marrying the wrong one. Granted divorce is always an option, I just think it will be toomuch emotionally and I'm only marrying one time in this life.

Probably not a good idea. It's good to have your eyes open to serious flaws but no person is going to be perfect. You're never going to find someone where everything is perfect. There will be an issue with trust, finances, family, lifestyle etc. instead find someone you love and make a commitment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a committed relationship, and we have been discussing marriage, but the more we discuss, the less certain I am of us and a future together. I don't know if I'm just getting cold feet because I have never ever loved someone like I love my current bf. I have not been in many serious relationships so this is the longest and most serious relationship I have experienced.

What were the warning signs that you missed that tipped you off in the end that it was the wrong person?

Please take your time. Maybe stop talking about it for awhile and just live. I am a big proponent of living together before actually making everything legal. If you are against that, have a long engagement.

It's harder to break up when you are living with someone.

Things I will heed next time:

He talks about his mother as if she's a saint/martyr and can do no wrong, and says he never had and has no negative feelings at all about things that happened with her in the past. Anyone who can't see loved ones for who they are, and who can't acknowledge negatives is dangerous.

In realtiy this kind of guy was made to bend and push down all normal negative feelings, and has the kind of mother who will make your lives hell.

His suppressed negative emotions will have a tendency to find their way to the surface like repulsive worms, in ways and at times you'd least expect it.

Another thing I will watch out for is someone who can't regulate emotions in a healthy way--like, he blows up over nothing, takes out his stresses and angers on others, and can't have a normal discussion without getting so worked up he has to shut it down or yell. A lot of times they're good at hiding that they do this, and people who don't live with them have no idea.

Another thing I'd watch out for is whether they truly feel empathy or are they just fairly good at faking it. Do they look out for what's best for you, or do they push their needs over yours? Are they surprisingly tolerant of bad behavior in others, like, it doesn't even bother them and they don't seem to realize that people get hurt? Watch out. They probably operate with a whole different moral compass than you do.

Another thing I would note: Are they very susceptible to flattery? Watch out for people with a weak sense of self. They can't have your back. They don't even have their own, and will be prone to cheating.

Well one example is when we were out clothes shopping. I was in the changing stall and he was right outside the door. I overheard him complimenting the sales associate on her perfume. Should have seen it as a sign.

How does he handle disappointment and bad breaks? I ignored how despondent my BF got over setbacks in his career--I didn't want to be the girl who left a guy at his low point. But the truth is that life has a lot of set backs and you don't want to be with someone that doesn't handle them well. My grandmother had a framed print that said something like any man can greet a sunny day with a smile, but the measure of a man is whether he can keep the smile when it starts to pour. I saw it years later and thought "yeah."

You can tell a lot about your future with your spouse when you're planning your wedding.

He offered no emotional support or support ever. It was always "stiff upper lip" and he never had much to talk about.

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? I was young and assumed my xh, who was also young, would transition into the responsibilities of adulthood like everyone else. He didn't.

Warning signs should've been his family - more importantly how he viewed his family and what he thought was acceptable.

On my wedding day I had a moment of knowing I shouldn't do this. At my hairdresser; there's even a picture of it. She asked if I was okay. I composed myself and said yes. Everything was already planned...

When my dad came downstairs to get me/my bridal party I felt panic. I said something like in a few minutes? and he said no it's time now. I somehow walked down the aisle. I stood at the top with my knees swaying. I thought it was nerves and cold feet but my heart knew. I wish I never did it.

That said I didn't see his whole self until we had kids. That's when it was clear I made a hell ish life choice.

What do your friends/family see? I had friends try to caution me early on.

I had a somewhat similar moment, but reversed. My dad never expressed reservations until we were halfway down the aisle. Then he whispered, "This is a mistake. I can get you out of here." But I was frozen with fear of being ridiculous. If he had said it even an hour earlier, I'd have called the wedding off.

I missed signs that DH is narcissistic and does not have empathy, is controlling. It's subtle. He was physically and emotionally abused as a child, seems well adjusted, but he's got some huge issues under the surface.

-Rules apply outside the house that don't apply in the house. Such as not leaving dirty clothes all over the house and not leaving dirty dishes everywhere. But he wouldn't dare do that at anyone else's house or if we were having company.

-When we moved in together and got married, the rules changed. I am a high energy, bitchy kind of person, and I asked him several times if he was sure he was okay with that. He said absolutely. A month after the wedding, it was suddenly not okay and he's spent 5 years communicating (or not communicating) in various ways that my feelings and life needs do not matter.

-When I said I needed something, it was almost always ignored. Still is. It is as if he goes the extra mile to make life more difficult for me. He was gone for days, I asked him if he could watch DD for 20 min while I helped set up a neighborhood event. He said yes, and then decided he needed to shower 5 min later. He offered to pick up dinner a couple of weeks ago. I was starving, I didn't make dinner as a result. He came home with no food and told me he already ate. Whenever I ask him to buy something while he's at the store, he 9/10 times comes home without it. This happened the most while I was pregnant. And because he says I'm not allowed to be upset, I am not allowed to be a little pissed that there isn't any pickles and ice cream for the pregnant lady.

One of my family members was here the last time I was sick, and while he never at all helps me out when I'm sick (make bed, get water, etc), he was really helpful this last time. My dad said he noticed that, it was odd, and that he suspected it was only because he was there. When I was pregnant and then when our nanny was sleeping when baby was newborn, he could not be bothered to be quiet. He actually showed no concern for my well being at all while I was pregnant, but by then, it was too late.

All of these things were there early on. I just didn't see them. And throwing your first, second child in the mix will bring out the worst in everyone.

You just never know. There are red flags, which might seem not so bad compared to someone else's red flags. Other red flags don't show up until later. Sometimes you age at different rates or someone gets a health problem you couldn't have predicted. It's a crap shoot. I didn't pay much attention to taste in music but it's a good reflection of how their brain works.

Weight gain

Anonymous wrote:You can *talk* through disagreements; he can stay without getting overly emotional or wanting to be right or getting his way all the time. The same applies to you. You both should be looking for win-win solutions where possible. No yelling, name-calling or hitting!

Both of you need to take the committment seriously. Don't assume because he's willing to get married to you that he's committing or will stay committed. Talk about what that means to each of you so you know.

Talk about finances. How does he handle his finances? Does he live within his means and save for the future or is he an impulsive spender? Is he willing to work for what he wants? Is he willing to improve himself? You don't want a moocher who will dump all the responsibilities and work on you.

Is he overly obsessed with anything -- sports, work, his family-of-origin? Can he say 'yes' as well as 'no' to others (like his mother) with equal ease, or is he a people-pleaser?

Do you know the difference between confidence and arrogance? If not, learn what they are and how to tell the difference. You want a confident man, not an arrogant one.
http://womanitely.com/ways-difference-arrogant-confident/

Do you both have similar values and want the same kind of lifestyle? Kids or no kids? City or country living? Laissez-faire, v. non-stop go-getter? Religion? Those differences really start to chafe over time.

Does he ever lie to others in your presence or is he a man of integrity? If it's easy for him to lie, watch out. Don't assume he won't do it to you.

Single 34 woman here taking down notes. One of the reasons I'm not married, it's the fear of marrying the wrong one. Granted divorce is always an option, I just think it will be toomuch emotionally and I'm only marrying one time in this life.

Anonymous wrote:Mismatch in values

Different religious and SES background

Cared about what I wanted/needed only to the extent it didn't inconvenience him, or make him uncomfortable

Geographic inflexibility (I moved here for him and that was a huge mistake that I regret every day)

We are in marriage counseling now, but were it not for our two kids, I would have been gone long ago.

This is me. OP, the one thing I would say is that for all the issues mentioned on this thread, many could have been solved if the two people were open and honest. IMHO, that is the key trait.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no "wrong person," OP, just as there is no "right person." (Well, an ax murderer might be an exception, but you know what I mean.)

You make a decision to make a life-long commitment. You then make it right.

Your life is not a pre-written play, for which you are casting characters.

This. That was honestly want tipped the scales for me to marry my DH.

Agree. I married the right person, not because he was the only one for me, the dream man, but because of similar values and commitment. Not that we haven't had challenges. We have. Big big ones. But even if the marriage end he was still the right one for me for this time of my life.

My ex thought he was so clever and cool for stealing a reasonably large amount t money from a menial job. He said he would t ever do it again ...but he never said it was wrong of him to do.

He then cheated. He has no real vales other than whatever benefits him.

Yes, I was young and dumb and I thought he would change.