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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not as easy as going into court and saying "My husband is mentally ill, I need custody" or else everyone would do it. Before you leave, make sure you have the proper documentation necessary to secure custody and supervised visitation when it comes down to it.[/quote]

Yes.  I am a family law attorney.  You should speak with your attorney about the nature of the evidence that you have and the likelihood of success of a motion for supervised visitation.  Without a diagnosis, this can be a tough case.  I'm so sorry your family is going through this.  I wish all of you, including your husband, peace and comfort.[/quote]

Thank you. This is OP.  Must say I am confused by these later posts as it is not my goal to keep my children from their father but everybody tells me I need to keep kids save by removing them from him. What does the system want from me?[/quote]

Hi OP.  So sorry you are going through this mess.  It is indeed heartbreaking and traumatic.  Your description of having PTSD caught my eye, because it is an apt description of the feelings and symptoms I had when I was living with and then splitting from my mentally ill partner.  I hope you are able to work with a good psychologist who can help guide you to deal with your own trauma from this as well as educate you about your partner's likely illness and how to manage him.  That person should also help you focus on how to structure your own life so you can create an environment in which you and your kids thrive even if things deteriorate with your partner.

The system is indeed confusing.  It is set up to protect the rights of parents by not taking away children easily.  It also protects children from separation from parents in all but the worst circumstances because the evidence shows that on balance keeping families together is better than separation or sending kids into the system.  But, these goals are quite different from the "best interests of the child" standard which sometimes affects custody decisions.   I think we all know that your kids would be best off living with you full time so there basic needs are met, but they will also benefit from having an understanding of their Dad's illness and a relationship with him long term.  What exactly that looks like will vary over time and as your DH's illness changes.  What you say to young kids will differ from what you can explain to a 16 y.o.

Some of the things my exDH was doing during bipolar hypomania were worrisome, but, lawyers made it clear that "worrisome" wasn't enough to ensure full custody to me, and that should DH choose to fight for it, he would get at least 50% custody.   I focused a lot on my not getting custody, when I should have focused on whether DH would really have the desire and the resources to fight for custody.  That turned out not to be the case.  I also should have focused on the fact that the attorney was also telling me that I would absolutely get at least 50% custody.  Having one stable healthy safe home can impact a child much more than having an unstable home 50% or 100% of the time.

Sorting out custody is difficult.  You need to be working with a very good attorney, but not necessarily a highly aggressive one.  You will have to choose a mixture of legal strategies and psychological ones.  Sometimes the law isn't the best way to get what you want.  Also, be aware that arguing rationally with a mentally ill person isn't really going to solve a lot of problems.  You may have to think from his perspective and try to get him to understand what would make him do what you want him to do and what is best for kids.  For example, if he really thinks there is a conspiracy against him, wouldn't it be better if he lived separately from you and the kids so that he could draw the conspiracy away from you and protect you?  Of course, you could allow him to visit and see the kids, and maybe "they" (i.e. the conspiracy) wouldn't notice that so much.

My kids were very young when I realized what was going on.  For the first few years, I stayed in the relationship, monitored everything (finances, whereabouts, etc.) and tried to be present all the time with DH and kids.  It was very stressful and not something that could be maintained long term.  The circumstances of my ex's bipolar illness meant that I eventually caught him at something that was a clear relationship ending behavior. I was able to confront him with the evidence and tell him he had to move out.  I thought very carefully about how to set it up (disclosure of evidence and decision in a psychologist's office where we were for "couples counseling" along with the demand that he move out within 3 days).  He complied.  I made it clear that he would still have access to the kids even though he was moving out of the home.

I kept my promise and still let him see the kids.  I made judgments every day about how stable I thought he was and whether it was OK to leave him alone with the kids depending on what they were doing.  If I thought it wasn't OK, I would never say, "No, you can't you're too ill."  Rather, I would just maneuver the situation so I could go along.  The more he realized I wasn't keeping the kids from him, the more he actually let go of them.  Sometimes he would cancel or show up late.  I was never angry, I just rolled with it.  In retrospect, when he was more ill, he would simply not spend as much time with the kids.  Heartbreaking for them in some ways, but better than being with him when he wasn't capable of caring for them.

Obviously, your approach needs to be tailored to your situation.  Because we were engaged but not married and our finances were not heavily co-mingled, I didn't have to get him to agree to anything in writing to protect myself financially.  Crazy decisions and debts made by a mentally ill spouse can ruin your future for a long time, so get good legal advice about exactly how much separation you need to protect yourself.  I quickly was able to maneuver into a voluntary verbal agreement where the kids lived with me full time and exDH came over to spend time with them on a regular schedule.  It was very hard to be basically the sole parent, but that is what it is.

We were lucky that exDH never had a full psychotic break and was never physically violent, although he lost multiple jobs over the years.  YMMV.

Two great books to read are "Burden of Sympathy" by David Karp about what our obligations are to our mentally ill family members and "I'm not Sick, I don't need help" by Xavier Amador, about how to talk to a mentally ill loved one in a productive way to get them to accept treatment or behavior changes.

NAMI is also a great resource.  Take one of their Family to Family courses.  Use their support group.  Also, look at the information on the Treatment Advocacy Center's website.  Commitment standards vary by state statute.  Some states are easier to get a loved one on a psychiatric evaluation hold than in other states.

Is your DH still able to hold down a job?  How old are your kids?  Do you have a good divorce attorney guiding you to plan the steps to change the family set-up?  Have you told any friends and family members what's going on?  Do you have a job and do you think you can maintain it thru this?  [/quote]

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