Reply to Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP here.

OP, you are making the mistaken assumption that people will judge him as the wrongdoer if he tells.  That could really backfire on you.

You could cause yourself more pain because people will gossip about your marriage.  And you never know if they will find a way to blame you, especially if they are his family and friends.

I would not pursue this.  It won't make you feel better, and it has a lot of potential to make you feel a million times worse.

It is hard for you to imagine it now, but in a year, 2 years, 3 years, you may be ready to move on and put all of this behind you.  You may find that you and DH resolve your issues.  But other people won't let you forget about the infidelity.  And you never know how it could come up in hurtful ways.

I have a relative whose husband cheated.  This happened years ago.  They're still together.  But everyone knows, and people still kind of give them the side eye because of it.  When she told everyone, she thought she would leave him.  But they reconciled.  Now, everyone assumes he still cheats because of the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy.  So, if anything, people see him as the victor in the whole thing.  He basically got away with it unscathed.  Telling his family and friends didn't hurt him, didn't make them see him in a bad light.  If anything, it caused them (and continues to cause them) to judge her and to see her in a bad light.

You can't control how people judge things like that.  If you want to stay with your husband and make your marriage work, you are better off telling as few people as possible about the infidelity.  If I were you, I wouldn't even tell anymore of your friends and family.

It's a horrible burden to have to deal with alone, but the reality is that if you want to stay with your husband, you are better off not making the infidelity public (by "public" I mean your family and friends).  Oddly enough, you will always be seen as the wife who was cheated on, but he won't necessarily always be seen as a cheater.

Just look at public couples.  For some reason, the cheating spouse seems to redeem their image, and yet the spouse who was wronged is forever seen in a negative light.  I don't know why people do that, but I wouldn't risk that.

Best of luck to you.[/quote]

I'm a NP, and I agree with this.  If I found out a friend was cheated on, I would assume their sex life was in the pits, she was a nagging harpy, and that ultimately she's somewhat pathetic and has low self-confidence for staying with him.  And I say that as someone who would be inclined to forgive an affair!  Keep it on the down-low.[/quote]

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