Anonymous
08/24/2016 16:28
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
OP please visit chumplady.com.and read through the archives.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 16:11
Subject: Re:Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Finding Freedom in Forgiveness is more than the title of a book. Even though it is a great book. It is a path to a truth. The pain you feel won't be released with a single act of forgiveness (sometimes it takes quite a few times) nor can anyone do enough to take that pain away. Forgiving doesn't release the other person of their responsibility, let them off the proverbial hook, but it does help you release some of the pain and attachment to the emotions of the wrong that was done to you.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 16:10
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:NP here.
OP, you are making the mistaken assumption that people will judge him as the wrongdoer if he tells. That could really backfire on you.
You could cause yourself more pain because people will gossip about your marriage. And you never know if they will find a way to blame you, especially if they are his family and friends.
I would not pursue this. It won't make you feel better, and it has a lot of potential to make you feel a million times worse.
It is hard for you to imagine it now, but in a year, 2 years, 3 years, you may be ready to move on and put all of this behind you. You may find that you and DH resolve your issues. But other people won't let you forget about the infidelity. And you never know how it could come up in hurtful ways.
I have a relative whose husband cheated. This happened years ago. They're still together. But everyone knows, and people still kind of give them the side eye because of it. When she told everyone, she thought she would leave him. But they reconciled. Now, everyone assumes he still cheats because of the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy. So, if anything, people see him as the victor in the whole thing. He basically got away with it unscathed. Telling his family and friends didn't hurt him, didn't make them see him in a bad light. If anything, it caused them (and continues to cause them) to judge her and to see her in a bad light.
You can't control how people judge things like that. If you want to stay with your husband and make your marriage work, you are better off telling as few people as possible about the infidelity. If I were you, I wouldn't even tell anymore of your friends and family.
It's a horrible burden to have to deal with alone, but the reality is that if you want to stay with your husband, you are better off not making the infidelity public (by "public" I mean your family and friends). Oddly enough, you will always be seen as the wife who was cheated on, but he won't necessarily always be seen as a cheater.
Just look at public couples. For some reason, the cheating spouse seems to redeem their image, and yet the spouse who was wronged is forever seen in a negative light. I don't know why people do that, but I wouldn't risk that.
Best of luck to you.
I'm a NP, and I agree with this. If I found out a friend was cheated on, I would assume their sex life was in the pits, she was a nagging harpy, and that ultimately she's somewhat pathetic and has low self-confidence for staying with him. And I say that as someone who would be inclined to forgive an affair! Keep it on the down-low.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 16:04
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think I am taking a lot of anger out on my MIL by shutting her out. I am also trying to send up a red flare, and hope that my behavior will cause her to ask DH and then he will tell her why. Then I get the disclosure I want.
But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."
People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.
I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??
If you need an outside party to dole out punishment to your spouse, then your marriage has deeper problems than the affair.
The biggest mistake I think married couples make is looking for people outside of the marriage to take sides as a means of vindication. If you can't find a way to mend the wounds in your marriage between the two of you, then the marriage won't be mended.
Part of what makes an affair so horrible is the reality that one spouse goes outside of the marriage for intimacy -- something that should be found within the marriage. That's the distance. You aren't going to fix that by continuing to go outside of the marriage for satisfaction and resolution, this time in the form of revenge/vindication. That is something you need to resolve with your husband.
It's understandable if you can't forgive him and/or if you can't get past his infidelity. But if that is the case, perhaps you should think about separating. Telling his mother or telling other people isn't going to help you forgive him. And as I said in a previous post, it's likely to make you feel worse because it will likely backfire. How will you feel if your DH tells his family and they take his side or indicate he was justified in some way? That will make you feel worse.
As for your relationship with your MIL. She didn't cheat on you. Don't take it out on her. And don't put her in the position of having to choose sides -- especially when one of those sides is her son.
Just my advice.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 16:00
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think I am taking a lot of anger out on my MIL by shutting her out. I am also trying to send up a red flare, and hope that my behavior will cause her to ask DH and then he will tell her why. Then I get the disclosure I want.
But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."
People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.
I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??
OP, your first paragraph is very passive aggressive. Please do not do this. It will not make you feel better.
One of the things that is very important about marital reconciliation post-affair is recognizing that the relationship that you had before is gone. Done. Over. You can't get that back. If that is your intention, please know that what you are doing there is trying to pretend that the affair never happened. You can reconcile and move on from the affair. You can even build a relationship that is joyful and loving again. But it's not going to be the same relationship because your perspective on your husband will have permanently shifted.
To an extent, you are the only one who can determine whether you are able to forgive. What forgiveness looks like to you and what it looks like to your husband (or your MIL for that matter) may be very different - the same way that your pain is going to look different from his pain or his mom's pain. Your husband tells you that he's hurting, but you do not seem to accept his pain or the expression of it as being valid. Again, that's understandable, but it's not just. Everyone processes pain in their own way.
One of the reasons that people cite for why they don't tell family or friends about affairs is that if you choose to stay together, there are people who will judge you negatively for that. If you leave him, your MIL might say, "Why couldn't you just stay with him? It wasn't that big a deal" but if you stay with him, your family might say, "Where is your self-respect, staying with someone who betrayed you like that?"
When did you find out about the affair? Are you and your husband in counseling? Are you in counseling on your own?
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:58
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you want to punish him like his mommy would. Treating him like that is probably why he cheated in the first place
It's not OP's fault that he cheated, but being emasculated can lead some men to act out to prove their masculinity.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:57
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think I am taking a lot of anger out on my MIL by shutting her out. I am also trying to send up a red flare, and hope that my behavior will cause her to ask DH and then he will tell her why. Then I get the disclosure I want.
But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."
People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.
I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??
OP do you have a child? Do you really think the MIL will take your side? Mothers almost always side with their child. The MIL will most likely tell her son.... "I understand why you did it. I never though you two were a good match. I don't see how you put up with her for so long!"
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:56
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Sounds like you want to punish him like his mommy would. Treating him like that is probably why he cheated in the first place
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:55
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think I am taking a lot of anger out on my MIL by shutting her out. I am also trying to send up a red flare, and hope that my behavior will cause her to ask DH and then he will tell her why. Then I get the disclosure I want.
But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."
People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.
I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??
He did acknowledge it. To you. Because he is accountable to you. He made a vow to you.
Do you want him to tell his friends too? His boss?
Do you usually make him confess his mistakes to his parents?
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:54
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here.
Yes, I hope he will feel ashamed.
I hope I can behave more honestly with my MIL. Not that we need to talk about the events themselves, but that she can know why I have pulled back. Maybe she can offer support.
If I'm being honest, I think I also want some kind of recognition for staying with him through this.
I keep thinking how the first step in AA is to go tell people. When you say it out loud it's powerful. DH hasn't done that.
Are you in therapy, OP?
Yes. and so is DH. and we are in counseling together, too.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:54
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
NP here.
OP, you are making the mistaken assumption that people will judge him as the wrongdoer if he tells. That could really backfire on you.
You could cause yourself more pain because people will gossip about your marriage. And you never know if they will find a way to blame you, especially if they are his family and friends.
I would not pursue this. It won't make you feel better, and it has a lot of potential to make you feel a million times worse.
It is hard for you to imagine it now, but in a year, 2 years, 3 years, you may be ready to move on and put all of this behind you. You may find that you and DH resolve your issues. But other people won't let you forget about the infidelity. And you never know how it could come up in hurtful ways.
I have a relative whose husband cheated. This happened years ago. They're still together. But everyone knows, and people still kind of give them the side eye because of it. When she told everyone, she thought she would leave him. But they reconciled. Now, everyone assumes he still cheats because of the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy. So, if anything, people see him as the victor in the whole thing. He basically got away with it unscathed. Telling his family and friends didn't hurt him, didn't make them see him in a bad light. If anything, it caused them (and continues to cause them) to judge her and to see her in a bad light.
You can't control how people judge things like that. If you want to stay with your husband and make your marriage work, you are better off telling as few people as possible about the infidelity. If I were you, I wouldn't even tell anymore of your friends and family.
It's a horrible burden to have to deal with alone, but the reality is that if you want to stay with your husband, you are better off not making the infidelity public (by "public" I mean your family and friends). Oddly enough, you will always be seen as the wife who was cheated on, but he won't necessarily always be seen as a cheater.
Just look at public couples. For some reason, the cheating spouse seems to redeem their image, and yet the spouse who was wronged is forever seen in a negative light. I don't know why people do that, but I wouldn't risk that.
Best of luck to you.
OP, you are making the mistaken assumption that people will judge him as the wrongdoer if he tells. That could really backfire on you.
You could cause yourself more pain because people will gossip about your marriage. And you never know if they will find a way to blame you, especially if they are his family and friends.
I would not pursue this. It won't make you feel better, and it has a lot of potential to make you feel a million times worse.
It is hard for you to imagine it now, but in a year, 2 years, 3 years, you may be ready to move on and put all of this behind you. You may find that you and DH resolve your issues. But other people won't let you forget about the infidelity. And you never know how it could come up in hurtful ways.
I have a relative whose husband cheated. This happened years ago. They're still together. But everyone knows, and people still kind of give them the side eye because of it. When she told everyone, she thought she would leave him. But they reconciled. Now, everyone assumes he still cheats because of the "once a cheater, always a cheater" philosophy. So, if anything, people see him as the victor in the whole thing. He basically got away with it unscathed. Telling his family and friends didn't hurt him, didn't make them see him in a bad light. If anything, it caused them (and continues to cause them) to judge her and to see her in a bad light.
You can't control how people judge things like that. If you want to stay with your husband and make your marriage work, you are better off telling as few people as possible about the infidelity. If I were you, I wouldn't even tell anymore of your friends and family.
It's a horrible burden to have to deal with alone, but the reality is that if you want to stay with your husband, you are better off not making the infidelity public (by "public" I mean your family and friends). Oddly enough, you will always be seen as the wife who was cheated on, but he won't necessarily always be seen as a cheater.
Just look at public couples. For some reason, the cheating spouse seems to redeem their image, and yet the spouse who was wronged is forever seen in a negative light. I don't know why people do that, but I wouldn't risk that.
Best of luck to you.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:53
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:IF my spouse cheated AND we decided to reconcile, I would not need him to disclose his cheating to anyone other than our therapist. I think I actually would feel worse emotionally if our loved ones knew.
Full disclosure: my first husband had an EA. It was not directly related to our divorce. He never told his family directly, but introduced her to his family after our divorce. They filled in the blanks on their own.
YES! because your goal would be to fix it and move on. OP doesn't really want to fix the situation. She wants his family to punish him and take her side so that she can be the "good" one and he can be the "bad" one. She wants him shamed. She doesn't want to fix the situation.
This.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:53
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
OP here. I think I am taking a lot of anger out on my MIL by shutting her out. I am also trying to send up a red flare, and hope that my behavior will cause her to ask DH and then he will tell her why. Then I get the disclosure I want.
But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."
People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.
I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??
But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."
People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.
I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:52
Subject: Re:Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:You will never be satisfied. If you force him to tell his family you will find something in how he tells them that you are dissatisfied with. You will not feel like their response is correct. You want your pound of flesh. You will never get what you are looking for. The only option is to forgive and move on. Otherwise it will consume a good portion of your life.
Exactly.
Anonymous
08/24/2016 15:49
Subject: Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?
Anonymous wrote:IF my spouse cheated AND we decided to reconcile, I would not need him to disclose his cheating to anyone other than our therapist. I think I actually would feel worse emotionally if our loved ones knew.
Full disclosure: my first husband had an EA. It was not directly related to our divorce. He never told his family directly, but introduced her to his family after our divorce. They filled in the blanks on their own.
YES! because your goal would be to fix it and move on. OP doesn't really want to fix the situation. She wants his family to punish him and take her side so that she can be the "good" one and he can be the "bad" one. She wants him shamed. She doesn't want to fix the situation.