Reply to Accountability for an affair? Should cheating spouse tell his/her own family?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I think I am taking a lot of anger out on my MIL by shutting her out. I am also trying to send up a red flare, and hope that my behavior will cause her to ask DH and then he will tell her why.  Then I get the disclosure I want.

But the real result is that I'm punishing myself, but worsening a relationship that i previously enjoyed and want to enjoy in the future. AND she is not taking answering the flare b/c she is trying to do her best to stay out. she just knows we've "had a rough year."

People raise a lot of good points here. This is helpful. I agree maybe I'll never be satisfied. And that sucks. I worry that if I am really responsible for full forgiveness within myself then I just dont know how to get there.

I also agree that acknowledgement is the first step to cleaning it up. and not acknowledging is brushing under the rug. So why can't I have this acknowledgement??[/quote]

If you need an outside party to dole out punishment to your spouse, then your marriage has deeper problems than the affair.

The biggest mistake I think married couples make is looking for people outside of the marriage to take sides as a means of vindication.  If you can't find a way to mend the wounds in your marriage between the two of you, then the marriage won't be mended.

Part of what makes an affair so horrible is the reality that one spouse goes outside of the marriage for intimacy -- something that should be found within the marriage.  That's the distance.  You aren't going to fix that by continuing to go outside of the marriage for satisfaction and resolution, this time in the form of revenge/vindication.  That is something you need to resolve with your husband.

It's understandable if you can't forgive him and/or if you can't get past his infidelity.  But if that is the case, perhaps you should think about separating.  Telling his mother or telling other people isn't going to help you forgive him.  And as I said in a previous post, it's likely to make you feel worse because it will likely backfire.  How will you feel if your DH tells his family and they take his side or indicate he was justified in some way?  That will make you feel worse.

As for your relationship with your MIL.  She didn't cheat on you.  Don't take it out on her.  And don't put her in the position of having to choose sides -- especially when one of those sides is her son.

Just my advice.[/quote]

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