Reply to Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?

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[quote=Anonymous]I think you have to trust your gut and not overlook major things because "he is a good guy".  I think the hard part is articulating the incompatibility.  What are the top two things that you can't envision living with for the next 60 years?  Don't compromise on the those things.  There was one thing I almost broke up with DH about when we were dating.  I struggled with it because he was the best guy I had dated but I knew that didn't matter if that something that I couldn't live with for the next however many years was part of the relationship.  When I brought it up and was ready to break up, he was quiet, he had lots of questions, but in the end he was willing to try to change for me and to work on it.   I gave him that chance.  Me, the conflict adverse person, had to learn to speak up more and let him know when the behavior was happening so he knew when I was upset and we could discuss it.  We both had to work on how we communicated with each other to work thru it.

In full disclosure, there was the one big thing worth breaking up over and there are lots of other things where we are on near opposite spectrums and we accept it.  He is neat, I am messy.  He is scheduled, I am not.  Over time I have come to appreciate his scheduling and organization.  I think if I literally dated and married myself (like that Seinfield episode where Jerry dates the female version of himself) someone would have needed to change or the kids would have to raise themselves.  I also like to think that I calm DH when things don't go according to plan.  I find we both have learned to prep the other person ...so if we need to be somewhere on time, DH will send me an email so it goes in my electronic calendar and he verbally mentions it.  if I know if I want to mention something that is off schedule, the first time I will get all the reasons it can't work and then maybe once we talk thru those it may move to a maybe.  So I think the key is we are willing to compromise a little and appreciate the other person (most of the time) for where we are different.  We've also over time tailored our approach to things when we bring up certain topics with the other person based on what has worked or not worked in the past.  So anyway, we were able to work it out but I know we wouldn't have the relationship we have now if I wasn't willing to address it.  I believe that quote "begin as you mean to go on" so it was important to address things before any engagement.[/quote]

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