Anonymous
08/17/2016 23:49
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I am 25, and for a couple years, I've been dating a man who I should be excited to marry. He is very hardworking, good looking, smart, supports my goals, comforts me when I'm upset, a provider (he earns twice what I do), and I never question his faithfulness for a second. He is so kind and loving to me. He makes me a priority and treats me very well. But he is so reliable that there is almost no room for spontaneity - he has a strict daily schedule he won't break from, he doesn't drink, he's an extremely picky eater who doesn't eat entire food groups (including dessert), hates nightlife, very risk adverse, and doesn't really like people in general. As we get closer and closer to engagement, at night I keep myself awake thinking: "what are you doing?" and have a general sick to my stomach feeling about marriage whenever someone mentions it.
He has so many great, rare qualities that I appreciate but I can't shake this gut feeling. On the other hand, I don't want to break up with him. Every week I kick the can down the road, thinking I'll see how my time with him goes and break up with him if it feels right. When I'm with him, I love him and am happy. But as when we part, the gut feeling kicks in.
My head says he's a great guy and I should stay. My gut says break up. Does anyone have any experience with this irrational gut feeling about a relationship? Did you stay or leave, and how did it turn out?
I never had that feeling about my husband (mr boring to some, my wonderful guy to me). I always missed him when I wasn't with him, even when we were just friends and not dating. 2& years later I still miss him when he's not around.
That feeling seems essential to me.
You should consider dating other people as you sort out your feelings.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 23:47
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:I am 25, and for a couple years, I've been dating a man who I should be excited to marry. He is very hardworking, good looking, smart, supports my goals, comforts me when I'm upset, a provider (he earns twice what I do), and I never question his faithfulness for a second. He is so kind and loving to me. He makes me a priority and treats me very well. But he is so reliable that there is almost no room for spontaneity - he has a strict daily schedule he won't break from, he doesn't drink, he's an extremely picky eater who doesn't eat entire food groups (including dessert), hates nightlife, very risk adverse, and doesn't really like people in general. As we get closer and closer to engagement, at night I keep myself awake thinking: "what are you doing?" and have a general sick to my stomach feeling about marriage whenever someone mentions it.
He has so many great, rare qualities that I appreciate but I can't shake this gut feeling. On the other hand, I don't want to break up with him. Every week I kick the can down the road, thinking I'll see how my time with him goes and break up with him if it feels right. When I'm with him, I love him and am happy. [/b]But as when we part, the gut feeling kicks in.[b]
My head says he's a great guy and I should stay. My gut says break up. Does anyone have any experience with this irrational gut feeling about a relationship? Did you stay or leave, and how did it turn out?
I never had that feeling about my husband (mr boring to some, my wonderful guy to me). I always missed him when I wasn't with him, even when we were just friends and not dating. 2& years later I still miss him when he's not around.
That feeling seems essential to me.
You should consider dating other people as you sort out your feelings.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 23:44
Subject: Re:Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Move on, especially if the sex is not good (guessing it's not). If he has limited dating experience, he will be crushed initially, but will get over it in a few months. And because he sounds like a good provider, don't be surprised if, after a year or so, he is engaged to another woman (who shares his uptight traits). At 25,you no longer have time to waste on "bad boys." But you deserve someone who revs up your engine.
My guess is that she's very religious and there is no sex.
Not a great idea OP. Sex tells you a lot about the guy. There's nothing worse than a selfish guy in bed - not a good way to spend your life.
It can also show you a lot of positive aspects of his character and personality. Does he like to please you?
Is he carefree or inhibited? Does he have huge hang ups?
Anonymous
08/17/2016 23:19
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
25 is too young too. You don't really know yourself enough at that age to choose wisely. Though sounds like you are pretty smart. Listening to your gut is a good idea.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:53
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Is he amenable to your "out of the norm" ideas? My dh is really...stable...like, if he is satisfied with the status quo he will keep on keepin on. He would go to the same 5 restaurants, have the same job for 20 years, go to the same vacation locale every year, etc. I am the opposite, always looking for change.
BUT!
When I put together plans to meet friends, get a sitter, and go out, he's game to go with me. When I said, "I want to hike Machu Picchu", he told me to book tickets and let him know when to ask for vacation. That's enough for me. He supports and engages in my whimsical or far fetched plans 90% of the time, so it works for me.
BUT!
When I put together plans to meet friends, get a sitter, and go out, he's game to go with me. When I said, "I want to hike Machu Picchu", he told me to book tickets and let him know when to ask for vacation. That's enough for me. He supports and engages in my whimsical or far fetched plans 90% of the time, so it works for me.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:51
Subject: Re:Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Do you have a fear of committment? He sounds great to me, except you didn't say if he makes you laugh or not. Desserts aren't a food group. Would you rather him be fat or an alcoholic? Is he too boring? Everything you've mentioned about him sounds pretty darn good. Do you have low self esteem and feel like you don't deserve him, or would you rather have an edgier guy?
Sounds like you are rationalizing your boring choice.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:49
Subject: Re:Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Move on, especially if the sex is not good (guessing it's not). If he has limited dating experience, he will be crushed initially, but will get over it in a few months. And because he sounds like a good provider, don't be surprised if, after a year or so, he is engaged to another woman (who shares his uptight traits). At 25,you no longer have time to waste on "bad boys." But you deserve someone who revs up your engine.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:47
Subject: Re:Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
I think you have to trust your gut and not overlook major things because "he is a good guy". I think the hard part is articulating the incompatibility. What are the top two things that you can't envision living with for the next 60 years? Don't compromise on the those things. There was one thing I almost broke up with DH about when we were dating. I struggled with it because he was the best guy I had dated but I knew that didn't matter if that something that I couldn't live with for the next however many years was part of the relationship. When I brought it up and was ready to break up, he was quiet, he had lots of questions, but in the end he was willing to try to change for me and to work on it. I gave him that chance. Me, the conflict adverse person, had to learn to speak up more and let him know when the behavior was happening so he knew when I was upset and we could discuss it. We both had to work on how we communicated with each other to work thru it.
In full disclosure, there was the one big thing worth breaking up over and there are lots of other things where we are on near opposite spectrums and we accept it. He is neat, I am messy. He is scheduled, I am not. Over time I have come to appreciate his scheduling and organization. I think if I literally dated and married myself (like that Seinfield episode where Jerry dates the female version of himself) someone would have needed to change or the kids would have to raise themselves. I also like to think that I calm DH when things don't go according to plan. I find we both have learned to prep the other person ...so if we need to be somewhere on time, DH will send me an email so it goes in my electronic calendar and he verbally mentions it. if I know if I want to mention something that is off schedule, the first time I will get all the reasons it can't work and then maybe once we talk thru those it may move to a maybe. So I think the key is we are willing to compromise a little and appreciate the other person (most of the time) for where we are different. We've also over time tailored our approach to things when we bring up certain topics with the other person based on what has worked or not worked in the past. So anyway, we were able to work it out but I know we wouldn't have the relationship we have now if I wasn't willing to address it. I believe that quote "begin as you mean to go on" so it was important to address things before any engagement.
In full disclosure, there was the one big thing worth breaking up over and there are lots of other things where we are on near opposite spectrums and we accept it. He is neat, I am messy. He is scheduled, I am not. Over time I have come to appreciate his scheduling and organization. I think if I literally dated and married myself (like that Seinfield episode where Jerry dates the female version of himself) someone would have needed to change or the kids would have to raise themselves. I also like to think that I calm DH when things don't go according to plan. I find we both have learned to prep the other person ...so if we need to be somewhere on time, DH will send me an email so it goes in my electronic calendar and he verbally mentions it. if I know if I want to mention something that is off schedule, the first time I will get all the reasons it can't work and then maybe once we talk thru those it may move to a maybe. So I think the key is we are willing to compromise a little and appreciate the other person (most of the time) for where we are different. We've also over time tailored our approach to things when we bring up certain topics with the other person based on what has worked or not worked in the past. So anyway, we were able to work it out but I know we wouldn't have the relationship we have now if I wasn't willing to address it. I believe that quote "begin as you mean to go on" so it was important to address things before any engagement.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:43
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are good guys who like to have fun and eat a varied diet, too. Imagine your life with him at 60? Do you like what you envision?
This is OP - thank you to you and to the other posters, this does help put things in perspective.
If I were to break up with him, how can articulate all of this? I have never broken up with someone before.
What? How old are you?! This could be the problem - you should have broken up with half a dozen guys or so at least before you marry.
This is how you determine who you are compatible with.
You never answered the 'how is your sex life' question either?
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:41
Subject: Re:Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Do you have a fear of committment? He sounds great to me, except you didn't say if he makes you laugh or not. Desserts aren't a food group. Would you rather him be fat or an alcoholic? Is he too boring? Everything you've mentioned about him sounds pretty darn good. Do you have low self esteem and feel like you don't deserve him, or would you rather have an edgier guy?
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:40
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Your gut and not your head will always prove the winner in marriage. The little issues before marriage become the HUGE ISSUES during marriage. In fact there was a recent post in another thread that said a majority of divorces are due to issues that were known about ahead of time but we're minimized in the belief that things would just work out. This period (dating/engagement) is likely the high water issue in your relationship, and it would seem foolish to go any further.
Geez - there's always issues to work out in each marriage. The predictor of a good marriage is how you deal with these issues - are you flexible and do you care about the other persons feelings when you disagree? Marriage is work. It's not just two identical people with no issues getting together. If you don't have issues now something else will come up later - again how you deal with those issues and differences determines whether you have a good marriage or not.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:36
Subject: Re:Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
I married a guy much like this. To this day he still likes to go to bed at 9:00 pm.
He gets up really early so I understand that. Does he like nightlife? Not typically.
Does that bother me? No, not really. If I want I go out with my friends at night, but we have kids now and i can't say that I care that much myself (but I do go sometimes). Not all of your needs are met just by your husband - you really don't need to be the same in every way at all.
You have to ask yourself if he supports you doing things that he doesn't do - the weirdest couple I ever came across was a husband who went to bed early and expected his wife to go to bed at the same time and to stop reading when he went to sleep. What?! That's oppressive (his wife was definitely tiring of that...)
I spend time with my husband each night he goes to bed early but then I go and do what I want.
My DH is great with the kids. That's one of the things that attracted me to him - seeing him caring for his nieces and nephews. What do you think of your guy in this regard?
I mean, you either love him or you don't. You're not engaged now, right? Why don't you branch out some now - meet some new people, add some activities to your life, see who you meet and how you feel?
He gets up really early so I understand that. Does he like nightlife? Not typically.
Does that bother me? No, not really. If I want I go out with my friends at night, but we have kids now and i can't say that I care that much myself (but I do go sometimes). Not all of your needs are met just by your husband - you really don't need to be the same in every way at all.
You have to ask yourself if he supports you doing things that he doesn't do - the weirdest couple I ever came across was a husband who went to bed early and expected his wife to go to bed at the same time and to stop reading when he went to sleep. What?! That's oppressive (his wife was definitely tiring of that...)
I spend time with my husband each night he goes to bed early but then I go and do what I want.
My DH is great with the kids. That's one of the things that attracted me to him - seeing him caring for his nieces and nephews. What do you think of your guy in this regard?
I mean, you either love him or you don't. You're not engaged now, right? Why don't you branch out some now - meet some new people, add some activities to your life, see who you meet and how you feel?
Anonymous
08/17/2016 22:15
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Your gut and not your head will always prove the winner in marriage. The little issues before marriage become the HUGE ISSUES during marriage. In fact there was a recent post in another thread that said a majority of divorces are due to issues that were known about ahead of time but we're minimized in the belief that things would just work out. This period (dating/engagement) is likely the high water issue in your relationship, and it would seem foolish to go any further.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 21:35
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Beta loser for sure. YOu can keep him for the money, etc but you definitely need alpha action.
Alpha action? Please the guy seems like a total alpha...that's why they are always cheated on.
Anonymous
08/17/2016 21:17
Subject: Gut feeling to break up with wonderful boyfriend?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:There are good guys who like to have fun and eat a varied diet, too. Imagine your life with him at 60? Do you like what you envision?
This is OP - thank you to you and to the other posters, this does help put things in perspective.
If I were to break up with him, how can articulate all of this? I have never broken up with someone before.
Be honest.
"You and I are not a good fit going forward long term because you don't give me insatiable tingles"