Reply to Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Because he once was your better half.

The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.

It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.

Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.

Does this make sense....??

So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;([/quote]

Yeah it makes since. Sometimes I feel foolish for feeling guilty for the way they talk about him. [b]He's a good person, he just made a dick move[/b].[/quote]

Sorry, OP, but I feel like you are still trapped in the emotional abuse aspect of this -- making excuses for your DH's behavior so you can still see him as you want to see him and not as he is.  This is a core part of emotional abuse -- I should know I have been there.  My DH cheated on me extensively.  Cheating involves lying.  Lies are constructed so that the liar can still look good while carrying out destructive behavior.

Stop thinking in terms of "good person" or "bad person."  These are labels that abusers use.  Abusers focus on portraying themselves as "good people" and find many ways to re-frame their behavior so that they can still look at themselves as "good person".  They often get angry when their victims refuse to use the "good person" label.

Once I got out of the emotional abuse and had some distance, I learned to focus on behavior and forget about labels or rationales.  Having an affair involves extensive cheating, lying, manipulation and betrayal of trust.  It is not a mistake.  Engaging in an affair is a conscious decision (the wrong one), not some kind of accidental mistake.   It is one of the most serious forms of emotional abuse and often leaves victim spouses with a kind of PTSD and long term interpersonal issues.  This is particularly true when you have kids and are forced to repeatedly interact with the abuser.

If your family insists on pointing out the *behavior* of your cheating spouse and labeling it as destructive and not "good," frankly, they are doing you a favor by refusing to engage or support the double face that most abusers try to use.  Abusers try to frame their behavior in a way that makes them look good.  For affairs, this often means labeling the affair a "mistake," or blaming the OW as someone who "pursued" the DH, or blaming the marriage or something lacking in a relationship.  This allows the abuser to be a "good" person caught in a bad situation or making a momentary bad choice in a minute of weakness.

Please get some counseling for yourself only from someone who is skilled in emotionally abusive relationships. [/quote]

I never thought about it that way. Thanks for giving me a different perspective.[/quote]

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