Anonymous
07/29/2016 14:58
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because he once was your better half.
The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.
It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.
Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.
Does this make sense....??
So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;(
Yeah it makes since. Sometimes I feel foolish for feeling guilty for the way they talk about him. He's a good person, he just made a dick move.
Sorry, OP, but I feel like you are still trapped in the emotional abuse aspect of this -- making excuses for your DH's behavior so you can still see him as you want to see him and not as he is. This is a core part of emotional abuse -- I should know I have been there. My DH cheated on me extensively. Cheating involves lying. Lies are constructed so that the liar can still look good while carrying out destructive behavior.
Stop thinking in terms of "good person" or "bad person." These are labels that abusers use. Abusers focus on portraying themselves as "good people" and find many ways to re-frame their behavior so that they can still look at themselves as "good person". They often get angry when their victims refuse to use the "good person" label.
Once I got out of the emotional abuse and had some distance, I learned to focus on behavior and forget about labels or rationales. Having an affair involves extensive cheating, lying, manipulation and betrayal of trust. It is not a mistake. Engaging in an affair is a conscious decision (the wrong one), not some kind of accidental mistake. It is one of the most serious forms of emotional abuse and often leaves victim spouses with a kind of PTSD and long term interpersonal issues. This is particularly true when you have kids and are forced to repeatedly interact with the abuser.
If your family insists on pointing out the *behavior* of your cheating spouse and labeling it as destructive and not "good," frankly, they are doing you a favor by refusing to engage or support the double face that most abusers try to use. Abusers try to frame their behavior in a way that makes them look good. For affairs, this often means labeling the affair a "mistake," or blaming the OW as someone who "pursued" the DH, or blaming the marriage or something lacking in a relationship. This allows the abuser to be a "good" person caught in a bad situation or making a momentary bad choice in a minute of weakness.
Please get some counseling for yourself only from someone who is skilled in emotionally abusive relationships.
I never thought about it that way. Thanks for giving me a different perspective.
The PP explained it really well. I am fours years old from discovering my ExDH was cheating. I still feel guilty about calling him out on his behavior. At this point, he has not payed child support for our three kids at all in the last six months. I am waiting on Child Support Enforcement office to garnish his wages. Guess what?? I feel incredibly guilty about inconveniencing him. How insane is that.
After 20+ years of marriage, I am conditioned to put his needs first and my needs last. I still want to rationalize his behavior and try to minimize its impact on me. It's really messed up. Intellectually, I realize that he is wrong, he is living a lavish lifestyle with no regard to a court order protecting me and our kids. Yet, I still feel like I am the bad guy.
If your ex proves himself to be a good, dedicated father despite the divorce, your family and friends will regain some respect for him. It's great that you wish him well -- that shows how strong you are as a person. Let your family and friends draw their own conclusions about him. It's up to him to prove them wrong -- not you.
Good luck!
Anonymous
07/29/2016 13:41
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because he once was your better half.
The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.
It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.
Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.
Does this make sense....??
So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;(
Yeah it makes since. Sometimes I feel foolish for feeling guilty for the way they talk about him. He's a good person, he just made a dick move.
Sorry, OP, but I feel like you are still trapped in the emotional abuse aspect of this -- making excuses for your DH's behavior so you can still see him as you want to see him and not as he is. This is a core part of emotional abuse -- I should know I have been there. My DH cheated on me extensively. Cheating involves lying. Lies are constructed so that the liar can still look good while carrying out destructive behavior.
Stop thinking in terms of "good person" or "bad person." These are labels that abusers use. Abusers focus on portraying themselves as "good people" and find many ways to re-frame their behavior so that they can still look at themselves as "good person". They often get angry when their victims refuse to use the "good person" label.
Once I got out of the emotional abuse and had some distance, I learned to focus on behavior and forget about labels or rationales. Having an affair involves extensive cheating, lying, manipulation and betrayal of trust. It is not a mistake. Engaging in an affair is a conscious decision (the wrong one), not some kind of accidental mistake. It is one of the most serious forms of emotional abuse and often leaves victim spouses with a kind of PTSD and long term interpersonal issues. This is particularly true when you have kids and are forced to repeatedly interact with the abuser.
If your family insists on pointing out the *behavior* of your cheating spouse and labeling it as destructive and not "good," frankly, they are doing you a favor by refusing to engage or support the double face that most abusers try to use. Abusers try to frame their behavior in a way that makes them look good. For affairs, this often means labeling the affair a "mistake," or blaming the OW as someone who "pursued" the DH, or blaming the marriage or something lacking in a relationship. This allows the abuser to be a "good" person caught in a bad situation or making a momentary bad choice in a minute of weakness.
Please get some counseling for yourself only from someone who is skilled in emotionally abusive relationships.
I never thought about it that way. Thanks for giving me a different perspective.
Anonymous
07/29/2016 12:55
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Because he once was your better half.
The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.
It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.
Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.
Does this make sense....??
So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;(
Yeah it makes since. Sometimes I feel foolish for feeling guilty for the way they talk about him. He's a good person, he just made a dick move.
Sorry, OP, but I feel like you are still trapped in the emotional abuse aspect of this -- making excuses for your DH's behavior so you can still see him as you want to see him and not as he is. This is a core part of emotional abuse -- I should know I have been there. My DH cheated on me extensively. Cheating involves lying. Lies are constructed so that the liar can still look good while carrying out destructive behavior.
Stop thinking in terms of "good person" or "bad person." These are labels that abusers use. Abusers focus on portraying themselves as "good people" and find many ways to re-frame their behavior so that they can still look at themselves as "good person". They often get angry when their victims refuse to use the "good person" label.
Once I got out of the emotional abuse and had some distance, I learned to focus on behavior and forget about labels or rationales. Having an affair involves extensive cheating, lying, manipulation and betrayal of trust. It is not a mistake. Engaging in an affair is a conscious decision (the wrong one), not some kind of accidental mistake. It is one of the most serious forms of emotional abuse and often leaves victim spouses with a kind of PTSD and long term interpersonal issues. This is particularly true when you have kids and are forced to repeatedly interact with the abuser.
If your family insists on pointing out the *behavior* of your cheating spouse and labeling it as destructive and not "good," frankly, they are doing you a favor by refusing to engage or support the double face that most abusers try to use. Abusers try to frame their behavior in a way that makes them look good. For affairs, this often means labeling the affair a "mistake," or blaming the OW as someone who "pursued" the DH, or blaming the marriage or something lacking in a relationship. This allows the abuser to be a "good" person caught in a bad situation or making a momentary bad choice in a minute of weakness.
Please get some counseling for yourself only from someone who is skilled in emotionally abusive relationships.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 22:59
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:His family probably hates you too.
They do, always have. They couldn't be happier we're getting divorced. They love the new girlfriend.
NP. Top PP was undoubtedly a troll but your response shed some light on your X and his family. Nobody who is mature and compassionate *hates* an in-law, instead they try to make it work. I think you need to acknowledge to yourself that your X and his family are at least somewhat flawed, even as you're shielding your child from it all. It sounds like you're taking on all the burden of guilt and responsibility, when in fact your X is not the "nice person" you said above that he is. You'll heal faster if you see him for who he is, which is probably a mix of good and bad.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 22:26
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:^^ still me , byw, I can tell you're a good person when you can see the big picture and are not afraid to feel the complex and bittersweet emotions without covering up with manufactured anger.
Thank you!
Anonymous
07/28/2016 22:26
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:His family probably hates you too.
They do, always have. They couldn't be happier we're getting divorced. They love the new girlfriend.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 20:06
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
^^ still me , byw, I can tell you're a good person when you can see the big picture and are not afraid to feel the complex and bittersweet emotions without covering up with manufactured anger.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 20:03
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Usually there is a reason on both sides when there is a breakdown like this. That's why you feel bad. People are human and they make mistakes including you. The children are 1/2 the father , so any criticism attacks them to their genetic core. It takes a big person to have a good attitude but it's invaluable and pays big dividends .
Yeah one of my mistakes was telling my family why we're getting divorced.
Tell your family what I wrote there. You told them and it probably would have been better not to , but that's done .. Forget it. Put your foot down and let them know the importance of protecting your children from further hurt. Doing the right thing helps with guilt and makes you a hero.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 20:00
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
His family probably hates you too.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 19:49
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Usually there is a reason on both sides when there is a breakdown like this. That's why you feel bad. People are human and they make mistakes including you. The children are 1/2 the father , so any criticism attacks them to their genetic core. It takes a big person to have a good attitude but it's invaluable and pays big dividends .
Yeah one of my mistakes was telling my family why we're getting divorced.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 19:46
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Usually there is a reason on both sides when there is a breakdown like this. That's why you feel bad. People are human and they make mistakes including you. The children are 1/2 the father , so any criticism attacks them to their genetic core. It takes a big person to have a good attitude but it's invaluable and pays big dividends .
Anonymous
07/28/2016 18:56
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:It's an indirect criticism of your choice, OP, so of course you don't like it. Tell them exactly that.
Does that mean she should've known he would do this and avoided him in the first place?
Anonymous
07/28/2016 17:54
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:Because he once was your better half.
The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.
It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.
Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.
Does this make sense....??
So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;(
Yeah it makes since. Sometimes I feel foolish for feeling guilty for the way they talk about him. He's a good person, he just made a dick move.
Anonymous
07/28/2016 16:33
Subject: Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Because he once was your better half.
The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.
It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.
Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.
Does this make sense....??
So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;(
The one you were loyal to & would die to protect.
It will take some time to adjust to the changed dynamic, it isn't an overnight process.
Your family can however since they had less invested in this person.
Does this make sense....??
So sorry for what happened to your marriage. ;(
Anonymous
07/28/2016 15:20
Subject: Re:Getting divorced and my family and friends hate my soon to be ex
Anonymous wrote:I know exactly where you are coming from. It is because you loved him at some point and my guess is you still care about him.
You also have empathy for others.
I'll probably always care about him. Even though it didn't work out between us, I still wish him the best and want him to be happy.