Reply to S/O Is it possible to have a happy family if you don't come from one?

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Reply to "S/O Is it possible to have a happy family if you don't come from one?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1.  Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin.  I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment.  This is WORK.  Hard work, but it can be done.  I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2.  You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction.  Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family.  This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is.  I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist.  So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.  [/quote]

OP here. This is a tough one for me. My father molested me, and my siblings (his children with his wife, my stepmom) are still in high/middle school, so it will be years before I can have them in our lives independently - if at all. By that point, they may not have any interest. Also, my dad lives in very close proximity to my grandma and a number of his siblings, so I've had to de facto cut them off too[b]. It just feels so unfair that I (and my child) have lost an entire side of my family due to my father's abuse. I've also had to cut off my mother. In a way, even though my parents are horrible, it does feel unjust to deprive her of grandparents.[/b][/quote]

Not PP, but I need to say this:  you have to let go of "fair" and "unfair." The more you hold on to the idea that this is unfair, the longer you are going to struggle with what to do.  It just is. You have to deal with what is, not with what you think should be happening. [/quote]

I understand that, intellectually, but I have a lot of work to do on this. I still harbor SO MUCH resentment toward my family of origin and experience a lot of jealousy toward people who come from loving, intact, supportive families. I understand that it is what it is, but it's like the (non)gift that keeps on giving - it will never go away, and it's affecting the next generation as well. [/quote]

NP, but you're pretty much describing my situation. Coming from a culture where grandparents are highly valued and usually take a big chunk of the childcare while the parents work, I feel incredibly guilty about depriving my child from that extended family. I'm still struggling with a lot of the same things you are, so I can't give you solid advice. The one thing that helps me is reminding myself that if I DID let them into my child's life, they would NOT be the grandparents I want for LO anyway. I agree that it feels unfair to miss out on that, and have the little ones miss out on it by proxy. But their presence alone wouldn't make them NOT miss out. It's not our fault that our parents are like that, we shouldn't feel guilty for making the decisions we HAVE to make for our children's sake.

It's HARD to break the cycle and our children might notice the difference between their families and others. But the first step to healing is getting away from what's hurting us. By providing our children with the loving, caring, nurturing environment they deserve. Even if that means having to fill the grandparent role ourselves. Or building a support system, an extended family of sorts, outside of our blood relatives. This will help us foster a good relationship with our children, so that our grandchildren (hopefully) WON'T have to miss out on granny and grandpa. [/quote]

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