Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1. Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin. I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment. This is WORK. Hard work, but it can be done. I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2. You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction. Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family. This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is. I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist. So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.

OP here. This is a tough one for me. My father molested me, and my siblings (his children with his wife, my stepmom) are still in high/middle school, so it will be years before I can have them in our lives independently - if at all. By that point, they may not have any interest. Also, my dad lives in very close proximity to my grandma and a number of his siblings, so I've had to de facto cut them off too. It just feels so unfair that I (and my child) have lost an entire side of my family due to my father's abuse. I've also had to cut off my mother. In a way, even though my parents are horrible, it does feel unjust to deprive her of grandparents.

Not PP, but I need to say this: you have to let go of "fair" and "unfair." The more you hold on to the idea that this is unfair, the longer you are going to struggle with what to do. It just is. You have to deal with what is, not with what you think should be happening.

I understand that, intellectually, but I have a lot of work to do on this. I still harbor SO MUCH resentment toward my family of origin and experience a lot of jealousy toward people who come from loving, intact, supportive families. I understand that it is what it is, but it's like the (non)gift that keeps on giving - it will never go away, and it's affecting the next generation as well.

NP, but you're pretty much describing my situation. Coming from a culture where grandparents are highly valued and usually take a big chunk of the childcare while the parents work, I feel incredibly guilty about depriving my child from that extended family. I'm still struggling with a lot of the same things you are, so I can't give you solid advice. The one thing that helps me is reminding myself that if I DID let them into my child's life, they would NOT be the grandparents I want for LO anyway. I agree that it feels unfair to miss out on that, and have the little ones miss out on it by proxy. But their presence alone wouldn't make them NOT miss out. It's not our fault that our parents are like that, we shouldn't feel guilty for making the decisions we HAVE to make for our children's sake.

It's HARD to break the cycle and our children might notice the difference between their families and others. But the first step to healing is getting away from what's hurting us. By providing our children with the loving, caring, nurturing environment they deserve. Even if that means having to fill the grandparent role ourselves. Or building a support system, an extended family of sorts, outside of our blood relatives. This will help us foster a good relationship with our children, so that our grandchildren (hopefully) WON'T have to miss out on granny and grandpa.

Yes, OP, I do believe it is possible, but it is very hard work. My DH and I both come from extremely dysfunctional families of origin and our marriage hit rock bottom when our first child was born. We both got into individual therapy and still go these many years later. Not sure if we will ever be done with therapy but we've accepted that it is simply necessary for the well-being of our family. We also did marriage counseling which was useful but actually made us realize that it was more important for us to individually heal ourselves first, and the marriage would improve in turn.

I understand what you mean about how unfair it feels. In the most intense times in my therapy when I was coming to terms with the things I never had and still longed for as an adult, I spent a lot of time crying and just having to "process" all of that grief that I had unconsciously carried inside of me for three decades. It was incredibly painful. Eventually, though, the weight started to lift for me and I believe it can for you, too. It was absolutely worth it and today I am freer than I ever thought was possible. Keep at it, OP. Best wishes to you and your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1. Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin. I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment. This is WORK. Hard work, but it can be done. I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2. You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction. Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family. This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is. I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist. So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.

OP here. This is a tough one for me. My father molested me, and my siblings (his children with his wife, my stepmom) are still in high/middle school, so it will be years before I can have them in our lives independently - if at all. By that point, they may not have any interest. Also, my dad lives in very close proximity to my grandma and a number of his siblings, so I've had to de facto cut them off too. It just feels so unfair that I (and my child) have lost an entire side of my family due to my father's abuse. I've also had to cut off my mother. In a way, even though my parents are horrible, it does feel unjust to deprive her of grandparents.

Not PP, but I need to say this: you have to let go of "fair" and "unfair." The more you hold on to the idea that this is unfair, the longer you are going to struggle with what to do. It just is. You have to deal with what is, not with what you think should be happening.

I understand that, intellectually, but I have a lot of work to do on this. I still harbor SO MUCH resentment toward my family of origin and experience a lot of jealousy toward people who come from loving, intact, supportive families. I understand that it is what it is, but it's like the (non)gift that keeps on giving - it will never go away, and it's affecting the next generation as well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1. Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin. I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment. This is WORK. Hard work, but it can be done. I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2. You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction. Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family. This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is. I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist. So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.

OP here. This is a tough one for me. My father molested me, and my siblings (his children with his wife, my stepmom) are still in high/middle school, so it will be years before I can have them in our lives independently - if at all. By that point, they may not have any interest. Also, my dad lives in very close proximity to my grandma and a number of his siblings, so I've had to de facto cut them off too. It just feels so unfair that I (and my child) have lost an entire side of my family due to my father's abuse. I've also had to cut off my mother. In a way, even though my parents are horrible, it does feel unjust to deprive her of grandparents.

Not PP, but I need to say this: you have to let go of "fair" and "unfair." The more you hold on to the idea that this is unfair, the longer you are going to struggle with what to do. It just is. You have to deal with what is, not with what you think should be happening.

Anonymous wrote:Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1. Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin. I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment. This is WORK. Hard work, but it can be done. I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2. You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction. Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family. This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is. I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist. So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.

OP here. This is a tough one for me. My father molested me, and my siblings (his children with his wife, my stepmom) are still in high/middle school, so it will be years before I can have them in our lives independently - if at all. By that point, they may not have any interest. Also, my dad lives in very close proximity to my grandma and a number of his siblings, so I've had to de facto cut them off too. It just feels so unfair that I (and my child) have lost an entire side of my family due to my father's abuse. I've also had to cut off my mother. In a way, even though my parents are horrible, it does feel unjust to deprive her of grandparents.

Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1. Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin. I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment. This is WORK. Hard work, but it can be done. I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2. You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction. Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family. This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is. I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist. So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.

Your mother may have not known there was another way to live and/or lacked the tools to make the necessary changes.

My partner and I are blessed to have access to high quality, reasonably priced therapists. We can buy a self-help book online and have it delivered electronically to our smartphones. I could get effective antidepressants with few side effects when I needed them. These help us when we can't do it ourselves.

It's hard work, but it's possible. I'm from a dysfunctional family and so far haven't had to start saving for my kids' future therapy yet

There's a lot of narcissism, codependency, entitlement, immaturity, judgement, narrow-mindedness, effed world views and some other issues in my close family and several generations back. Even before having kids, I worked very hard to not let myself fall into those same patterns. Now I can see my kids as a mirror for my behavior and it keeps me very grounded in my goal to raise them right and give them a happy background.

This is why sayings like “the apple doesn't fall far from the tree” or people telling me that I “really remind them of my mother” make me cringe. I realize they're just seeing the happy front my mother puts up and have no idea what it was like growing up with her. But it's always a reminder to check myself and make sure I don't follow her lead.

It does make me wonder sometimes why my mother didn't seek to change her behavior from how her own mother treated her. I can't imagine wanting or even allowing my children to grow up with parents like I did.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have just hit rock bottom. We both have deep family of origin issues - alcoholism and general abuse/control on his side, and sexual, physical, emotional abuse, narcissism, and alcoholism on mine - and I want to be hopeful we can transcend these legacies. I'm in Al-Anon and AA, DH is starting AA and SA, we are both in individual counseling and will begin marriage counseling next week. We are willing to do the work.

If both partners come from dysfunctional backgrounds, is it possible for them to create a functional, happy family for their own children?

Yes. I have a 6 ACE score. My fiancé has a 5. This will be remarriage for both of us so we know what it is like to throw in the towel. But we work hard at breaking cycles of dysfunction. We're happy in a quiet, cozy way. No couch jumping or fake heart tattoos. Just the knowledge that we are committed to being each other's safe harbor and helpmeet.

My husband comes from a normal healthy family. My family is no where close - anxiety, depression, paranoia, domestic violence and major longstanding opioid addiction issues (in both parent and siblings). I actively try to not repeat these issues and want to create a new normal in my family - but am I alone with being scared shitless that my children will still have these issues thanks to my genetics?

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have just hit rock bottom. We both have deep family of origin issues - alcoholism and general abuse/control on his side, and sexual, physical, emotional abuse, narcissism, and alcoholism on mine - and I want to be hopeful we can transcend these legacies. I'm in Al-Anon and AA, DH is starting AA and SA, we are both in individual counseling and will begin marriage counseling next week. We are willing to do the work.

If both partners come from dysfunctional backgrounds, is it possible for them to create a functional, happy family for their own children?

Yes. I have 17 years in Al-Anon, Husband has 17 years in AA. All these years later, we still go to two or three meetings a week. We both grew up in messed up, married messed up people, and had two babies together. If you have never known anything but messed up, you don't know that messed up is messed up.
We have found the role modelling on how to live life in a not so messed up way in AA and Al-Anon. Change doesn't happen overnight though. But the wonderful thing about 12 step programs is you can keep coming back for years and years and years. You don't ever have to graduate. And you don't have to fill out any insurance forms to attend.

Yes. My parents have each been married (and divorced) three times. I was abused by one of her boyfriends/husband. My father comes in and out of my life for years at a time - right now he's out. I was raised by nannies. Any time I got too close to them my mother fired them. My parents had a huge custody battle over me when I was a teenager.

My husband comes from a very warm, loving home except that his sister left the family when she was in college. Later showed up married. She's now left the family again.

Despite that my husband and I are happy together and with the family we created.

Yes. You may come from that dysfunction but it needn't define your future. Good for both of you getting help. Never wrong to ask for help. Go get 'em.

Anonymous wrote:

I think yes, but you have to address any issues that you might have picked up with despite trying not to and deal with them head on.

Exactly. I want to add that if/when you have kids, many of us are 're-traumatized' as we remember events that happened at the age our kids were or finally understanding the enormity of what we experienced (how could you do something like that to an innocent child?). When it happened to me, it sent me into a tailspin and into individual counseling. But, DH and I have been able to create a stable, happy family.

OP here - this is what happened to me, too. Our first is nearly two and we have another one on the way. This thread is giving me hope - thank you everyone.

I think yes, but you have to address any issues that you might have picked up with despite trying not to and deal with them head on.

Exactly. I want to add that if/when you have kids, many of us are 're-traumatized' as we remember events that happened at the age our kids were or finally understanding the enormity of what we experienced (how could you do something like that to an innocent child?). When it happened to me, it sent me into a tailspin and into individual counseling. But, DH and I have been able to create a stable, happy family.