Reply to S/O Is it possible to have a happy family if you don't come from one?

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Reply to "S/O Is it possible to have a happy family if you don't come from one?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Definitely possible, but at least 2 things are key:

1.  Tons of self-awareness and probably therapy in order to break bad patterns you have learned from your family of origin.  I come from a line of completely abusive rage-a-holics and I have learned to control myself and my emotions and create a peaceful home environment.  This is WORK.  Hard work, but it can be done.  I think it's even harder when the bad patterns are things less obviously bad and more like weird ingrained thought processes--e.g. lack of work ethic/thinking it's ok to scam other people--you see this passed down in generations a lot.

2.  You have to spare your children from contact with the dysfunction.  Meaning, you need to cut the toxic people out of your life and do not let them have access to you or your family.  This is super hard, because there is a pervasive belief in our society that it is WRONG to do this, virtually no matter what the sin or crime committed by the toxic family member is.  I have heard victims of childhood incest told quite earnestly that it's "wrong to deprive your kids of a grandparent!" when the grandparent was the rapist.  So god help you if you decide to do this, but I think it is absolutely essential.  [/quote]

OP here. This is a tough one for me. My father molested me, and my siblings (his children with his wife, my stepmom) are still in high/middle school, so it will be years before I can have them in our lives independently - if at all. By that point, they may not have any interest. Also, my dad lives in very close proximity to my grandma and a number of his siblings, so I've had to de facto cut them off too[b]. It just feels so unfair that I (and my child) have lost an entire side of my family due to my father's abuse. I've also had to cut off my mother. In a way, even though my parents are horrible, it does feel unjust to deprive her of grandparents.[/b][/quote]

Not PP, but I need to say this:  you have to let go of "fair" and "unfair." The more you hold on to the idea that this is unfair, the longer you are going to struggle with what to do.  It just is. You have to deal with what is, not with what you think should be happening. [/quote]

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