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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself. [/quote]
I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret.  I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew.  Imagine living  life   as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.[/quote]

I'm PP, And I'm going to give a differnet perspective.

So good for you and all your morals. Do you Even understand what is at stake?

You don't get to play God, OP, for something that has nothing to do with you.

My aunt decided to "tell" when I turned 18, and I became a pariah. I already knew my "place", but the telling to everyone else (and she made sure it was every.one), put me, my dad, and everyone else in a new light, and it wasn't kind. My brothers and sisters, who had always accepted me, saw me as tainted from my fathers affair, and rejected me, I order to protect their mom. My father, being forced to own up to his "shame" (that had been dealt with years ago, but was now brought up anew), ended up having to distance himself from everyone. Everything that had worked itself out through the years was shattered. All because my aunt had to be right.

[/quote]
I am sorry for your hurt, but did you read what I wrote?

I said that it was not OP's place to make her brother do the right thing. I said that I, personally, would not feel obligated to make my kids participate in a  lie. Plus, I hope you come to the understanding that the damage that was done to you was by your existence being made a secret in the first place. How people reacted to you and how they treated was on them, it is not your burden to bear. If they did not treat you well, that's a f* you on them, not on you.[/quote]

And you're missing my point. MY family had found a way to deal with it, which maybe other people didn't like but was also none of their business. It took nothing away from them to just say "larla is a close family friend" or "larla is distant family". It made no difference to the cousins who I was or wasn't, but it sure as hell ripped the rug from below my siblings and me when someone decided it was time to point it out. It was only an issue when it was made to be an issue.

It hurt me, my father, my mother, my stepmother. and my siblings. It should have been our choice. The shame of being snitched on after so much healing had already been done in the family was way more painful than the shame of being the unknown that was included and apparently loved. Telling everyone marked me indelibly to EVERYONE, not just the few who knew and understood the delicacy of the situation

I'm sad that people's need to "tell" overrides the very practical solution of having a relationship and keeping it vague. Kids don't ask often- they accept people for being in their lives regardless of the whys. [/quote]
I am starting to wonder if you are a troll. If not, do you realize what you are saying is that you felt loved as long as everyone lied about who I was. You should be able to feel loved standing in the truth of who you are. If people only love you when you lie about who you are, they are f******* up. [/quote]

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