Anonymous wrote:
I think you should be patient for a little while longer, OP.

Keep pressing your brother - he has to do the right thing. There is definitely a right and wrong here! It's not a MYOB situation, it's a moral situation (and I am not religious or anything).
Right would be to welcome this young person as his child and have him meet his family.
Wrong is to keep it hushed up.
Every year the burden becomes harder on the child.

You can explain that therapy would be a great way to deal with reunification of the family. Your brother can go by himself first before making a decision.

This, but don't bother with your brother. This kid must know who his father b/c you have a relationship with him--regardless if he's ever met his father. His mother must have clued him in.

Please continue to include him as part of your family b/c he is. If he asks or your kids ask; tell the truth. Don't try to force relationships; they either come or they don't.

OP here. I am writing from my crappy phone in between work and kids, so I may have a few mistakes in my post and I'm also trying to refer to people I use names with regularly as pronouns. Yeesh. But thank you to the people with firsthand experience with this - I'm learning from you and taking it all in.

I think there's a really large space between telling and not telling. Somewhere in that space is encouraging my brother to do what's right, gently or firmly. Brother knows that I am involved with his child and welcomes an occasional update/thanks me. I don't have older kids, bit,from what I've seen, being able to frame something like this rather than it coming from an unexpected source, can minimize the fallout. Daddy wasn't a liar and a cheater, Daddy made a mistake and is not perfect, but he told us and is trying to move forward in rectifying it. IDK. Perhaps that is idealistic and naive of me. I don't think I suggested that I'd outright tell the kids anywhere in my post...some people sort of jumped to extremes. I'm just not sure that it's my job to protect them from it now that they are of a certain age, either. So when my nephew calls us Aunt/Uncle such and such in a FB post and tags us together in a photo, I'm not really sure I should be limiting the people who see it to intentionally exclude brother's kids. That's above and beyond at this point, I think.

For those who say it's not my business... OK but I have ethical issues with not telling MY kids the truth or telling them the truth if/when they ask and explaining that it's a secret they should keep (because of it's not my truth, it's also not my secret). I don't intend to pass those types of values to them. I also take issue with not being able to invite him and brother's kids to major family events, such as baptisms, our vow renewal in October and future celebrations like quinces. It hurts our relationship (he has expressed that) so that's where "myob" gets fuzzy. Also, we are the one couple/family involved (although lots of people are aware of him) , so I'm sure his kids will feel like I am just as guilty when it eventually comes out, which could cause a rift between my kids and their cousins.

OK. I hope this clarifies my angle. We all make mistakes and I'm not high and mighty or nosy. This is in my life - I didn't seek it out- and involves two people I genuinely love and I'd like to do the right thing. That's all.

I think the OP is a troll. The subject is "secret nephew" and in another place on page 1 OP calls the child "her" and "she."

The answer to this question is so obvious it has to be a troll. There is no justification for doing anything other then staying out of it. It isn't up to you. The child and the parent are the only two that have anything to say about that. At least so long as both are living.

I have a different perspective. And it's more the perspective of the nephew. Leave him alone -- he may not want or be ready himself to cross the bridge and have a relationship with his father and his siblings.

I think it's great you have a relationship with him. Leave it at that -- this is really a problem your brother and your nephew have to resolve (or not) at some point. They may never have a relationship. And believe it or not, your nephew may be more than happy to leave things the way they are.

I know of what I speak. I don't have the exact same situation, but let's say I can relate to your nephew.

I don't understand the whole story.
I'm usually the one who likes to lay things out in the open. In this case, DON'T do it!! It's not your problem. It's their secrets, their complex life. Don't disturb or interfere. You will turn their world upside down. They seem to be normal adults. If they want to avoid the issue, don't get involve. When they are ready, they will do it. Less stress seem better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret. I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew. Imagine living life as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.

I'm PP, And I'm going to give a differnet perspective.

So good for you and all your morals. Do you Even understand what is at stake?

You don't get to play God, OP, for something that has nothing to do with you.

My aunt decided to "tell" when I turned 18, and I became a pariah. I already knew my "place", but the telling to everyone else (and she made sure it was every.one), put me, my dad, and everyone else in a new light, and it wasn't kind. My brothers and sisters, who had always accepted me, saw me as tainted from my fathers affair, and rejected me, I order to protect their mom. My father, being forced to own up to his "shame" (that had been dealt with years ago, but was now brought up anew), ended up having to distance himself from everyone. Everything that had worked itself out through the years was shattered. All because my aunt had to be right.

I am sorry for your hurt, but did you read what I wrote?

I said that it was not OP's place to make her brother do the right thing. I said that I, personally, would not feel obligated to make my kids participate in a lie. Plus, I hope you come to the understanding that the damage that was done to you was by your existence being made a secret in the first place. How people reacted to you and how they treated was on them, it is not your burden to bear. If they did not treat you well, that's a f* you on them, not on you.

And you're missing my point. MY family had found a way to deal with it, which maybe other people didn't like but was also none of their business. It took nothing away from them to just say "larla is a close family friend" or "larla is distant family". It made no difference to the cousins who I was or wasn't, but it sure as hell ripped the rug from below my siblings and me when someone decided it was time to point it out. It was only an issue when it was made to be an issue.

It hurt me, my father, my mother, my stepmother. and my siblings. It should have been our choice. The shame of being snitched on after so much healing had already been done in the family was way more painful than the shame of being the unknown that was included and apparently loved. Telling everyone marked me indelibly to EVERYONE, not just the few who knew and understood the delicacy of the situation

I'm sad that people's need to "tell" overrides the very practical solution of having a relationship and keeping it vague. Kids don't ask often- they accept people for being in their lives regardless of the whys.

I am starting to wonder if you are a troll. If not, do you realize what you are saying is that you felt loved as long as everyone lied about who I was. You should be able to feel loved standing in the truth of who you are. If people only love you when you lie about who you are, they are f******* up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret. I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew. Imagine living life as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.

I'm PP, And I'm going to give a differnet perspective.

So good for you and all your morals. Do you Even understand what is at stake?

You don't get to play God, OP, for something that has nothing to do with you.

My aunt decided to "tell" when I turned 18, and I became a pariah. I already knew my "place", but the telling to everyone else (and she made sure it was every.one), put me, my dad, and everyone else in a new light, and it wasn't kind. My brothers and sisters, who had always accepted me, saw me as tainted from my fathers affair, and rejected me, I order to protect their mom. My father, being forced to own up to his "shame" (that had been dealt with years ago, but was now brought up anew), ended up having to distance himself from everyone. Everything that had worked itself out through the years was shattered. All because my aunt had to be right.

I am sorry for your hurt, but did you read what I wrote?

I said that it was not OP's place to make her brother do the right thing. I said that I, personally, would not feel obligated to make my kids participate in a lie. Plus, I hope you come to the understanding that the damage that was done to you was by your existence being made a secret in the first place. How people reacted to you and how they treated was on them, it is not your burden to bear. If they did not treat you well, that's a f* you on them, not on you.

And you're missing my point. MY family had found a way to deal with it, which maybe other people didn't like but was also none of their business. It took nothing away from them to just say "larla is a close family friend" or "larla is distant family". It made no difference to the cousins who I was or wasn't, but it sure as hell ripped the rug from below my siblings and me when someone decided it was time to point it out. It was only an issue when it was made to be an issue.

It hurt me, my father, my mother, my stepmother. and my siblings. It should have been our choice. The shame of being snitched on after so much healing had already been done in the family was way more painful than the shame of being the unknown that was included and apparently loved. Telling everyone marked me indelibly to EVERYONE, not just the few who knew and understood the delicacy of the situation

I'm sad that people's need to "tell" overrides the very practical solution of having a relationship and keeping it vague. Kids don't ask often- they accept people for being in their lives regardless of the whys.

1) I was not advocating telling everyone

2) No one has a right to 'force' someone to lie for them or about them

3) I am extremely sorry about how hurt you were and are, but let's be real. living a lie is not being healed. You said that so much healing had been done, but that is not true. Living a lie is not being healed.

3) Do you have kids? Because kids do not stop asking questions, so a simple, friend of the family will lead to "how", "when did you meet" "why are you friends"
Which leads to the adult having to weave more intricate lies and no one has the right to obligate someone else to their deceit -- no one.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret. I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew. Imagine living life as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.

I'm PP, And I'm going to give a differnet perspective.

So good for you and all your morals. Do you Even understand what is at stake?

You don't get to play God, OP, for something that has nothing to do with you.

My aunt decided to "tell" when I turned 18, and I became a pariah. I already knew my "place", but the telling to everyone else (and she made sure it was every.one), put me, my dad, and everyone else in a new light, and it wasn't kind. My brothers and sisters, who had always accepted me, saw me as tainted from my fathers affair, and rejected me, I order to protect their mom. My father, being forced to own up to his "shame" (that had been dealt with years ago, but was now brought up anew), ended up having to distance himself from everyone. Everything that had worked itself out through the years was shattered. All because my aunt had to be right.

I am sorry for your hurt, but did you read what I wrote?

I said that it was not OP's place to make her brother do the right thing. I said that I, personally, would not feel obligated to make my kids participate in a lie. Plus, I hope you come to the understanding that the damage that was done to you was by your existence being made a secret in the first place. How people reacted to you and how they treated was on them, it is not your burden to bear. If they did not treat you well, that's a f* you on them, not on you.

And you're missing my point. MY family had found a way to deal with it, which maybe other people didn't like but was also none of their business. It took nothing away from them to just say "larla is a close family friend" or "larla is distant family". It made no difference to the cousins who I was or wasn't, but it sure as hell ripped the rug from below my siblings and me when someone decided it was time to point it out. It was only an issue when it was made to be an issue.

It hurt me, my father, my mother, my stepmother. and my siblings. It should have been our choice. The shame of being snitched on after so much healing had already been done in the family was way more painful than the shame of being the unknown that was included and apparently loved. Telling everyone marked me indelibly to EVERYONE, not just the few who knew and understood the delicacy of the situation

I'm sad that people's need to "tell" overrides the very practical solution of having a relationship and keeping it vague. Kids don't ask often- they accept people for being in their lives regardless of the whys.

Brother sounds horrid! I pity all of his children. Sad to think they have lying DNA. Shameful. What a pity!

OP, please clarify: Does your brother know you AND your children have a relationship with his out of wedlock son? I understand that your kids are young, but eventually, they will ask questions about the "secret nephew" and how is he their cousin. Once that happens, the secret is out!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret. I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew. Imagine living life as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.

I'm PP, And I'm going to give a differnet perspective.

So good for you and all your morals. Do you Even understand what is at stake?

You don't get to play God, OP, for something that has nothing to do with you.

My aunt decided to "tell" when I turned 18, and I became a pariah. I already knew my "place", but the telling to everyone else (and she made sure it was every.one), put me, my dad, and everyone else in a new light, and it wasn't kind. My brothers and sisters, who had always accepted me, saw me as tainted from my fathers affair, and rejected me, I order to protect their mom. My father, being forced to own up to his "shame" (that had been dealt with years ago, but was now brought up anew), ended up having to distance himself from everyone. Everything that had worked itself out through the years was shattered. All because my aunt had to be right.

I am sorry for your hurt, but did you read what I wrote?

I said that it was not OP's place to make her brother do the right thing. I said that I, personally, would not feel obligated to make my kids participate in a lie. Plus, I hope you come to the understanding that the damage that was done to you was by your existence being made a secret in the first place. How people reacted to you and how they treated was on them, it is not your burden to bear. If they did not treat you well, that's a f* you on them, not on you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret. I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew. Imagine living life as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.

I'm PP, And I'm going to give a differnet perspective.

So good for you and all your morals. Do you Even understand what is at stake?

You don't get to play God, OP, for something that has nothing to do with you.

My aunt decided to "tell" when I turned 18, and I became a pariah. I already knew my "place", but the telling to everyone else (and she made sure it was every.one), put me, my dad, and everyone else in a new light, and it wasn't kind. My brothers and sisters, who had always accepted me, saw me as tainted from my fathers affair, and rejected me, I order to protect their mom. My father, being forced to own up to his "shame" (that had been dealt with years ago, but was now brought up anew), ended up having to distance himself from everyone. Everything that had worked itself out through the years was shattered. All because my aunt had to be right.

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone wants to ascribe to "morality", all the while happily ruining a family unit, and changing people's lives for their own benefit.

Let it be. Your nephew may or not be ready for half siblings and cousins and the whole lot of it, after living a differs life. Sounds like he is an adult now. Curiously is one thing (asking about people), but suddenly having a family is another.

If you want him in your life, and in your children's lives, that's tiur choice. You're turning "the Secret" into a bigger deal than it is. Tell everyone he is a very close / special family friend. The details don't matter, really, to the relationship, unless it's ONLY important tony to have a relationship because of it. In that case, that's sad for you, because blood or no blood, certain people can play central positions in the concept of "family".

You sound like a nosy nelly/ busybody, OP. This isn't your place to "fix" things. It makes no bearing on the already existing relationships, you're just trying to be "more moral" or enjoying scooping everyone. This actually changes other people's lives. Get over yourself.

I agree that it is not OP's place to try to "make" her brother do the right thing, (and, yes, there is a RIGHT thing here). HOWEVER, no way in hell someone is going to make me lie to my kids and have them participate in a family secret. I would not say hey Uncle Darryl had an extramarital affair and cousin Bobby is the result. But if they ask, Yea, Uncle Darryl is Bobby's son. The brother's secrets are for him to keep, do not ask others to participate. I feel so sorry for the Op's nephew. Imagine living life as a shameful secret. I have a friend who is in her forties and her family still lies about who her parents are. They say the grandad is her dad and her dad is her brother.
My friend lives with a broken heart.

Anonymous wrote:My brother has a lovely family - wife, kids, good job. His oldest from his marriage is now a young adult (college-aged). He also has a child about a year older who he has never met (although he has contributed financially somehow and our parents are involved with the child in a limited fashion), but with whom I have been involved since I have been able to make independent decisions as an adult (so since my college years - brother is 8 yrs older, so I was still a minor when he had him). My own kids know him but they are young and do not ask questions. It saddens me that his children don't know that they have this other sibling. I am fairly certain that his wife knows about him, but I am certain that his children from his marriage do not. The extramarital nephew knows of his siblings, though. He does not seem super pressed to meet them or know his biological father, but I think it should be out in the open now. Where are the lines drawn here? What is right?

How lovely!!! How exciting!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother has a lovely family - wife, kids, good job. His oldest from his marriage is now a young adult (college-aged). He also has a child about a year older who he has never met (although he has contributed financially somehow and our parents are involved with the child in a limited fashion), but with whom I have been involved since I have been able to make independent decisions as an adult (so since my college years - brother is 8 yrs older, so I was still a minor when he had him). My own kids know him but they are young and do not ask questions. It saddens me that his children don't know that they have this other sibling. I am fairly certain that his wife knows about him, but I am certain that his children from his marriage do not. The extramarital nephew knows of his siblings, though. He does not seem super pressed to meet them or know his biological father, but I think it should be out in the open now. Where are the lines drawn here? What is right?

Do your kids know him as their cousin? It's interesting to me that you're focused on everything being open, but you haven't shared that with your kids.

Oh yeah, of course. But we have an enormous family spread over quite a few states on both sides, so the question of how this person is related has not come up. Plus, they are pretty young to even conceive to ask that. We have photos of her in our home and online. She's just like any other cousin in our house.

Pictures of her? I thought it was a Secret Nephew, not Secret Niece.