Reply to MEN ONLY- why do you have difficulties talking about your feelings?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Man here:  in my experience, women claim to want men to discuss their feelings, but in reality they don't.  Expressions of vulnerability are held against the man, as are feelings the woman views to be inappropriate for one reason or another.  It's better to keep your own counsel most of the time, and to talk to one of your guy friends about your doubts and fears.   [/quote]

In my experience it has amounted to, "I want to say we are *sharing* our feelings, but what I really mean is I want to vent my feelings at you and have you listen".

I am a guy, I do share my feelings - after some serious middle-age therapy work - but I cannot tell you the number of times I have to tell my wife, "you asked me to share my feelings; I'm telling you my feelings, not demanding that I get my way" (which is how she reacts to or takes what I say).  In practice, she wants me to tell her that what she wants makes me feel warm and fuzzy and finds it very upsetting/disturbing if something she wants makes me unhappy: it's all just looking for reassurance.

I hate this stupid kabuki because I often don't really have feelings one way or the other, and no matter what each of us "feels" we ought to generally be able to reach compromises.  By compromises I mean: sometimes we get what we want, and the other person, who doesn't FEEL as strongly, doesn't get what they want; sometimes (more often) neither of us gets everything we want, but we get enough that we FEEL ok about the outcome.

I have learned that it is vital to speak up when I feel very strongly about something to make sure I've communicated (the other favorite relationship word) clearly to her how important it is to me and the semi-legalistic importance of using "feelings language".  I was resistant to the therapy for a long time, but had a female therapist and really came to believe she just gave me like three years of female "feeling" ju-jitsu so that I was properly armed for these conversations....kind of like "Wax On, Wax Off".  It seems to have worked out well and I am grateful. [/quote]

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