Anonymous wrote:Man here: in my experience, women claim to want men to discuss their feelings, but in reality they don't. Expressions of vulnerability are held against the man, as are feelings the woman views to be inappropriate for one reason or another. It's better to keep your own counsel most of the time, and to talk to one of your guy friends about your doubts and fears.

+1

In my experience it has amounted to, "I want to say we are *sharing* our feelings, but what I really mean is I want to vent my feelings at you and have you listen".

I am a guy, I do share my feelings - after some serious middle-age therapy work - but I cannot tell you the number of times I have to tell my wife, "you asked me to share my feelings; I'm telling you my feelings, not demanding that I get my way" (which is how she reacts to or takes what I say). In practice, she wants me to tell her that what she wants makes me feel warm and fuzzy and finds it very upsetting/disturbing if something she wants makes me unhappy: it's all just looking for reassurance.

I hate this stupid kabuki because I often don't really have feelings one way or the other, and no matter what each of us "feels" we ought to generally be able to reach compromises. By compromises I mean: sometimes we get what we want, and the other person, who doesn't FEEL as strongly, doesn't get what they want; sometimes (more often) neither of us gets everything we want, but we get enough that we FEEL ok about the outcome.

I have learned that it is vital to speak up when I feel very strongly about something to make sure I've communicated (the other favorite relationship word) clearly to her how important it is to me and the semi-legalistic importance of using "feelings language". I was resistant to the therapy for a long time, but had a female therapist and really came to believe she just gave me like three years of female "feeling" ju-jitsu so that I was properly armed for these conversations....kind of like "Wax On, Wax Off". It seems to have worked out well and I am grateful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. My experience is that men do talk about their feelings. But sometimes it takes a while. You might bring something up, but it's the next day before he can really respond with a good answer (or maybe even several days). Also, most of their feelings are worries about being inadequate at work, and not that much about how your relationship. If you are willing to be patient and accept his feelings for what they are, then he will talk to you.

You were doing okay until you got to the bolded part. Gross generalization that reflects only your experience.

I don't think I am wrong, but maybe. I do think that for some men, talking about how a presentation went or this big meeting that's coming up IS sharing their feelings, and if you are married to such a man, it is important to recognize that.

I'm not quibbling with your basic premise, especially the part about listening and taking his concerns seriously. I'm simply saying that it's an oversimplification to say that all we care about is work. If you've read enough of the threads here you must have noticed that our concerns do actually include our marriages, our kids, etc. I might be really stressed about work but when I get home I'm not really interested in talking about it. I'd rather leave my work at the office. That's not a guy thing, it's just the way I'm wired. My wife is much more likely to want to talk about work. When I do need to talk about feelings, it's much more likely to be about our relationship. Not because I enjoy it, but because there are issues we need to work on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. My experience is that men do talk about their feelings. But sometimes it takes a while. You might bring something up, but it's the next day before he can really respond with a good answer (or maybe even several days). Also, most of their feelings are worries about being inadequate at work, and not that much about how your relationship. If you are willing to be patient and accept his feelings for what they are, then he will talk to you.

You were doing okay until you got to the bolded part. Gross generalization that reflects only your experience.

I don't think I am wrong, but maybe. I do think that for some men, talking about how a presentation went or this big meeting that's coming up IS sharing their feelings, and if you are married to such a man, it is important to recognize that.

any posts with more than 2 lines are from women. 2 or less from men.

Because women then blow everything out of proportion and see demons where none exist.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because when I tell my DW about my feelings she tells me I'm wrong and it's my fault. Or she starts crying and I end up apologizing just to get her to stop crying.

I think there is something to this. Woman here - not afraid of OP's "ban.". There are some people (women and men) who say the want to discuss "our feelings" but really what the person asking is saying is that s/he wants to discuss his/her feelings and have the non-communicator mirror these. If it isn't mirrored or the non-communicator expresses contrary feelings, then the above happens.

Another woman daring to break in here. I wonder though if this is a symptom of the overall drought. IE, man talks about his feelings when something becomes big enough to talk about so its either negative or a really big deal. First 'feeling' woman hears about in ages is about how he doesn't feel respected or something, woman thinks she's a giant failure.

Had man been more generally communicative about his emotional state on a regular basis, maybe criticisms wouldn't be taken as hard.

Not to say there aren't cray cray drama queens. But my DH is very stoic and if he told me he was feeling worried about something I would freak out because it would seem like the sky was falling. For him to feel bad enough to bring something up would make me think we were on the verge of divorce or something. I would try not to but it would be so out of character that it would be legitimately alarming.

I was wondering how long it would take to make it the man's fault. DCUM, you never disappoint.

That is really not what I meant. More pointing out that it might just be an unfortunate coincidence and that women should be conscious of it so as to not overreact and shut the conversation down. Conversations about feelings work best (IMO) when both parties are being open and understanding and calm.

When I described that about my DH, that is accurate. I know him because I spend every day with him. If he all of a sudden was consumed with feelings that he needed to get out I would be very worried because it would be so drastically different than the man I know every minute. A big component of the worry would be that he had felt he could never be himself with me in the past. It doesn't mean I wouldn't be open to talking to him about it and help him work through whatever it is he's feeling, just that I would be really surprised and that it would make me more concerned than if...some girlfriend who's always telling me what she's feeling vented to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the how and what, there's also a difference between WHY women and men talk about their feelings. Women almost seem to do it for fun. Men, if we do it at all, will typically only do it when we think it's necessary.

Lol... This reminds me of the "talking is to women what sex is to men" threads.

I'm the PP who posted that. I almost added what you wrote but figured enough readers would be perceptive enough to figure it out on their own. Turns out I was right!

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the how and what, there's also a difference between WHY women and men talk about their feelings. Women almost seem to do it for fun. Men, if we do it at all, will typically only do it when we think it's necessary.

Lol... This reminds me of the "talking is to women what sex is to men" threads.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because when I tell my DW about my feelings she tells me I'm wrong and it's my fault. Or she starts crying and I end up apologizing just to get her to stop crying.

I think there is something to this. Woman here - not afraid of OP's "ban.". There are some people (women and men) who say the want to discuss "our feelings" but really what the person asking is saying is that s/he wants to discuss his/her feelings and have the non-communicator mirror these. If it isn't mirrored or the non-communicator expresses contrary feelings, then the above happens.

What? This is so typical of women... I have no clue WTH you are talking about. Then they cry!

Anonymous wrote:There is absolutely nothing to be gained for a guy talking about his feelings.

+1 - No upside. Nobody gives a shit. Women despise weakness in men.

In addition to the how and what, there's also a difference between WHY women and men talk about their feelings. Women almost seem to do it for fun. Men, if we do it at all, will typically only do it when we think it's necessary.

1. It's not how I was brought up. My father was my role model. And he's not the type of guy to talk about his feelings. So honestly, until I was a grown man it never occured to me that this was really an option.

2. Even if I wanted to, I lack the emotional vocabulary to talk about them. My wife can tell me about her feelings, and can do so in a way that is honest and not hurtful to me, even when she has something bad to tell me. But I lack the ability/experience to do this.

3. It makes me feel weak and vulnerable. I don't like to feel that way, and I don't like others - my wife included - to see me that way.

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. My experience is that men do talk about their feelings. But sometimes it takes a while. You might bring something up, but it's the next day before he can really respond with a good answer (or maybe even several days). Also, most of their feelings are worries about being inadequate at work, and not that much about how your relationship. If you are willing to be patient and accept his feelings for what they are, then he will talk to you.

You were doing okay until you got to the bolded part. Gross generalization that reflects only your experience.

Woman here. My experience is that men do talk about their feelings. But sometimes it takes a while. You might bring something up, but it's the next day before he can really respond with a good answer (or maybe even several days). Also, most of their feelings are worries about being inadequate at work, and not that much about how your relationship. If you are willing to be patient and accept his feelings for what they are, then he will talk to you.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained for a guy talking about his feelings.