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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is probably very good reasons the rest of your family put boundaries with your cousin.

Going only on what you have shared, the best thing for the baby might be to go to a "random" as you call it.

Your brother is the least of your concerns.

This is going to be harder than you imagine.

If nothing else [b]go to a therapist and get counsel on this situation[/b].[/quote]

OP, can you step back from the emotion and your desire to have a child in your own life (because... isn't it possible that this is at least as much about your wish to have a child and your own trouble conceiving as it is about wanting to help out cousin and this baby)?

Can you look at this hard and objectively and ask yourself the very, very tough questions that might not have nice, tidy answers? And I do not mean questions about your brother's emotional reaction.

What happens if mom in a few years wants more and more time with "her" baby? What role will mom play in the child's life and will you have an always open door for mom in this open adoption? (It's easy to say, yes, of course, at this point, but what happens if she wants more of a role than you realized?) Will you be OK with her and the grandmother wanting roles in how you raise this child? What is the possible effect on your own kids in the future, if you have them? There are many questions far beyond what your brother and his wife will feel. You also mention at one point that you have concerns that some other family members, not just brother and his wife, will be alienated by it if you take this baby.

There is too much going on here to navigate without some very tough, clear-eyed, objective consideration.

That's why I agree with the quoted PP: Please involve an experienced therapist immediately. You and your husband need to work with an uninvolved, disinterested third party to work through ALL the potential impact here. And that includes the impact on your marriage and any future children you might have. You're thinking a lot about the possible impact on your relationship with your brother but I'm not sure you're seeing that this could have a very profound impact on your marriage as well. You say "we" want this baby but you and your husband need to see a therapist together as a couple and possibly individually to ensure that he really is on board for life, and that the desire to have a child of your own isn't coloring both your perspectives.

While the baby may still come to you, please, for the sake of your marriage (which should come first and foremost before consideration for your brother or other relatives) -- get some objective help and try to step back from your emotions enough to weigh this choice very, very carefully. It's just not as simple and clear-cut as "We'll take the baby because family is family."

It is very, very troubling that your cousin is finding random people on the Internet for possible adoption. She sounds extremely naïve; anyone could post a happy-family picture online as some front for an illegal adoption scheme. If she is going to put the baby up for adoption outside the family, then for the baby's  own safety she needs to use a real, reputable agency. There are many people out there who know for sure they cannot have children of their own who would love to have her baby and for whom the adoption would not carry all the family baggage that it would if you do it yourselves. [/quote]

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