Bad idea!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

NP here. We have a close family friend that adopted a child of a sibling...it was a little bit unusual in that no one (including the adopted daughter) knew until they were much older, but these things can work. She refers to her bio-siblings whom she met later in life as her sister and brother. I do think it's important to establish a lot of how family will be involved and who will know what when early on, though.

As for the hurt feelings part of it, it's a child not a used car or something. The bio-mom gets to decide who she wants to adopt her baby. There may be benefits to keeping the adoption within the family (or not). A counselor should be able to help with this decision...but I don't think OP and her brother get the call dibs on the baby based on their own experience. It has to be what the mom wants. And if OP really wants to adopt the baby and the mom feels that's the best thing for her child, it would be really sad if the brother's hurt feelings prevented that.

I went through many years of IF, but I still do understand that kids and families are complicated.

PP you quoted. Not sure you actually read the post. The mother of the child already told OP that she wants OP and not the brother to have the child. Of course it's the mother's decision - no one is saying otherwise. No idea how you could read anything in the post that anyone is calling dibs. And as someone who apparently went through IVF, I'm surprised you can't seem to understand the potential for hurt feelings in this situation. No one is saying OP can't adopt, but OP asked how to handle it with her brother, presumably recognizing that there could be feelings involved.

If you adopt this baby, then you are the parent. Be kind, be understanding, and if necessary be firm to your brother and anyone else that you are the child's mother (when you become the child's mother) and that is that and circumstances about how that came to be are done and over and it's now different than if you were the bio parent. When you become the mother, you become the mother, and if they can't deal with it then that's not drama you or the child needs.

No need to get petty or dramatic about it: if they start misbehaving or playing games it is your job to make it clear than they can have a normal and close uncle/aunt relationship with your child, or they can come back to you when and if they decide they have let it go.

I agree with many of the PPs that (1) your brother's situation really has no bearing on whether or not you decide to adopt this child but that (2) you should tell him about it before he hears from someone else.

The reservation that comes to my mind has nothing to do with your brother; it is whether this relative that is giving you her baby can be relied upon not to turn up in a year or two or more and demand this baby back. That would really be where the hell could begin.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

NP here. We have a close family friend that adopted a child of a sibling...it was a little bit unusual in that no one (including the adopted daughter) knew until they were much older, but these things can work. She refers to her bio-siblings whom she met later in life as her sister and brother. I do think it's important to establish a lot of how family will be involved and who will know what when early on, though.

As for the hurt feelings part of it, it's a child not a used car or something. The bio-mom gets to decide who she wants to adopt her baby. There may be benefits to keeping the adoption within the family (or not). A counselor should be able to help with this decision...but I don't think OP and her brother get the call dibs on the baby based on their own experience. It has to be what the mom wants. And if OP really wants to adopt the baby and the mom feels that's the best thing for her child, it would be really sad if the brother's hurt feelings prevented that.

I went through many years of IF, but I still do understand that kids and families are complicated.

It's not as complicated as you might think...

I was adopted under similar circumstances 30-odd years ago. What helped was that my adoptive parents were always open about how I came to be. There was never a 'reveal' moment that I was adopted. There were always conversations about how some mommies and daddies can't have babies on their own, so they adopt them and blah blah.

And my birth mother was somewhat involved in my life for the first few years - visits, etc. - and I always knew who she was, and it was always clear that I could contact her if I wanted. But it wasn't confusing, because my mom (adoptive mom) was my mom, and Larla was just the woman who gave birth to me.

Anonymous wrote:There is probably very good reasons the rest of your family put boundaries with your cousin.

Going only on what you have shared, the best thing for the baby might be to go to a "random" as you call it.

Your brother is the least of your concerns.

This is going to be harder than you imagine.

If nothing else go to a therapist and get counsel on this situation.

OP, can you step back from the emotion and your desire to have a child in your own life (because... isn't it possible that this is at least as much about your wish to have a child and your own trouble conceiving as it is about wanting to help out cousin and this baby)?

Can you look at this hard and objectively and ask yourself the very, very tough questions that might not have nice, tidy answers? And I do not mean questions about your brother's emotional reaction.

What happens if mom in a few years wants more and more time with "her" baby? What role will mom play in the child's life and will you have an always open door for mom in this open adoption? (It's easy to say, yes, of course, at this point, but what happens if she wants more of a role than you realized?) Will you be OK with her and the grandmother wanting roles in how you raise this child? What is the possible effect on your own kids in the future, if you have them? There are many questions far beyond what your brother and his wife will feel. You also mention at one point that you have concerns that some other family members, not just brother and his wife, will be alienated by it if you take this baby.

There is too much going on here to navigate without some very tough, clear-eyed, objective consideration.

That's why I agree with the quoted PP: Please involve an experienced therapist immediately. You and your husband need to work with an uninvolved, disinterested third party to work through ALL the potential impact here. And that includes the impact on your marriage and any future children you might have. You're thinking a lot about the possible impact on your relationship with your brother but I'm not sure you're seeing that this could have a very profound impact on your marriage as well. You say "we" want this baby but you and your husband need to see a therapist together as a couple and possibly individually to ensure that he really is on board for life, and that the desire to have a child of your own isn't coloring both your perspectives.

While the baby may still come to you, please, for the sake of your marriage (which should come first and foremost before consideration for your brother or other relatives) -- get some objective help and try to step back from your emotions enough to weigh this choice very, very carefully. It's just not as simple and clear-cut as "We'll take the baby because family is family."

It is very, very troubling that your cousin is finding random people on the Internet for possible adoption. She sounds extremely naïve; anyone could post a happy-family picture online as some front for an illegal adoption scheme. If she is going to put the baby up for adoption outside the family, then for the baby's own safety she needs to use a real, reputable agency. There are many people out there who know for sure they cannot have children of their own who would love to have her baby and for whom the adoption would not carry all the family baggage that it would if you do it yourselves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

Our game plan with this would to discuss an open adoption where my aunt and uncle would still be grandparents and my cousin could be in the picture, with some boundaries. We would always want the baby to know who her real mother is. It's going to be a little dysfunctional, but I think it would be better than the baby be given a someone random. My cousin just found a random family on the Internet, she's not even going through an agency. She went this route because she's fearful of judgement from the family.

I should add the my brother and SIL have legal guardianship of my SIL's brother's child.

Your cousin is giving her baby to random people she met on the Internet? Is she nuts? Please tell her to think twice. Can people be any more stupid?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

Our game plan with this would to discuss an open adoption where my aunt and uncle would still be grandparents and my cousin could be in the picture, with some boundaries. We would always want the baby to know who her real mother is. It's gointo be a little dysfunctional,g but I think it would be better than the baby be given a someone random. My cousin just found a random family on the Internet, she's not even going through an agency. She went this route because she's fearful of judgement from the family.

I should add the my brother and SIL have legal guardianship of my SIL's brother's child.

Jesus, ya think?

Forget your brother, this isn't grandma's car it's a baby. He needs to move on. I understand the appeal but this isn't an option. I would hash out, in great detail, how the relationship between your cousin and this child will be handled. My ou may want to draw up visitation papers etc. but if one day she up and decides she doesn't like you and wants the child back it could get really ugly.

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

NP here. We have a close family friend that adopted a child of a sibling...it was a little bit unusual in that no one (including the adopted daughter) knew until they were much older, but these things can work. She refers to her bio-siblings whom she met later in life as her sister and brother. I do think it's important to establish a lot of how family will be involved and who will know what when early on, though.

As for the hurt feelings part of it, it's a child not a used car or something. The bio-mom gets to decide who she wants to adopt her baby. There may be benefits to keeping the adoption within the family (or not). A counselor should be able to help with this decision...but I don't think OP and her brother get the call dibs on the baby based on their own experience. It has to be what the mom wants. And if OP really wants to adopt the baby and the mom feels that's the best thing for her child, it would be really sad if the brother's hurt feelings prevented that.

I went through many years of IF, but I still do understand that kids and families are complicated.

There is probably very good reasons the rest of your family put boundaries with your cousin.

Going only on what you have shared, the best thing for the baby might be to go to a "random" as you call it.

Your brother is the least of your concerns.

This is going to be harder than you imagine.

If nothing else go to a therapist and get counsel on this situation.

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, please help your cousin get an IUD (as a PP above mentioned)

It's been brought up by her mother that she will have her tubes tied.

Whatever you do, please help your cousin get an IUD (as a PP above mentioned)

Anonymous wrote:Yuk. I can only speak from experience with my own family. Run now. Run far and fast away from this scenario. Do not fight over a child and divide an entire family over this.

Agree. Also, the mother sounds as though she has both mental and emotional problems. She will make the lives it all of you pure hell.

Anonymous wrote:Putting aside the issues with your brother for a moment, how is this going to work if in a few years or longer the mother decides she wants to be involved in the child's life? The mother is family and you still keep in touch with her. The child will have biological siblings - what does that mean for any of your future children in terms of their relationship with this child? The grandmother may want to be involved as a grandparent - how will your parents feel about that? Are you going to be able to truly raise this child as your own without the family members feeling like they have a right or a say in the decisions you make? If you are open to all of this, then no worries. It just seems like another possible issue that may make the whole situation even messier.

As for your brother, would he even want to adopt that baby? Assuming he does, I understand the conflicted feelings. It's probably safe to assume he and/or your SIL will be hurt, especially if they have been on this path for a while. When dealing with infertility, it can be hard not to take every pregnancy or adoption announcement personally, even though it's not personal. Except in this case, it kind of is personal for them because your family member wants you and not your brother and SIL to have the baby. So, if you really want this, and you know he would adopt the baby if given the chance, you should probably speak with him personally about the opportunity that was presented to you and that you understand if they feel hurt, but that you hope it doesn't cause a rift. They may need space after hearing the news, so be prepared for that, too.

Our game plan with this would to discuss an open adoption where my aunt and uncle would still be grandparents and my cousin could be in the picture, with some boundaries. We would always want the baby to know who her real mother is. It's going to be a little dysfunctional, but I think it would be better than the baby be given a someone random. My cousin just found a random family on the Internet, she's not even going through an agency. She went this route because she's fearful of judgement from the family.

I should add the my brother and SIL have legal guardianship of my SIL's brother's child.