Reply to When Spouses Don't Handle Their Parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I actually don't agree with the standard advice that each spouse should handle his & her family's craziness. Ideally, yes, we should. But if we were raised by these people with this form of crazy, then we're in it - we can't see it clearly for it is, and we have deeply entrenched habits. It's not as simple as deciding "hey, I'm going to put my spouse and children first!" If only it were that easy.

Further, the people with these unhealthy dynamics are often relying on the life-long relationship and love from their child to get away with this stuff. When I say no to the ILs, they respect it and accept it much more quickly than when DH says no. He can say "no" a dozen times and his mother will keep pestering him. Could he cut her off to force the boundary issue? Sure, but is that really the ideal solution here? We don't think so. I step in and say "thanks so much for your thoughtfulness, but that doesn't work for our family" and that's the end of it. She drops it, because she knows that I don't do this endless badgering thing - and I call it what it is, and that's harassment. Her son would never dare describe her behavior as harassment, even when he does feel harassed.

With my parents, we have a problem with direct communication - DH walks in, is super direct, and just point blank asks my siblings what they want, and he takes them at their word, rather than trying to read between the lines. So my family knows there's no subtle 2nd & 3rd meanings with my husband - say what you mean when you have the chance.

Anyway, we've found that we each can bring a new, somewhat healthier dynamic to the IL relationship so we don't opt out and just say "oh, that's your family, your problem."[/quote]

OP here-I'm with you on this.  We don't have the same issues with my family because either I'll speak up or DH will and my parents are generally ok with it.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way with DH's family.[/quote]

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