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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Np here.  I agree with lots of advice of the PP.  Let DH take the lead 100%.  Give up the dream of the perfect family.  I'm blessed  in the MIL and FIL department but SIL is another case.  I realized the following:

1) a lot of me being upset was because I was hoping the SIL would be like another sister - on paper we have more in common than my actual sisters - I had to let go of that dream and once I did it made things easier.  Someone on DCUM pointed this out and I am grateful for the person that saw the hurt I didn't even realize was the source of being upset about a particular incident.

2) Some of it was taking it personally - why doesn't she like me, I'm a likable person.  It's like the song from Dreamgirls "I'm telling You"" where the character is singing "and you, and you, and you , you're  gonna love me".  Just like the movie, I had to realize, no you don't and that can be okay.  I would like to say I let go of my need to be liked but truth is I realized she treated many people the same way and once I realized it wasn't personal, I felt freed from getting so upset.

3) Some of it may have been avoidance in my own life.  My relationship with my own sisters can be  rocky and it seemed easier to hope for the sister in law to be close than repair existing relationships

4) I have to be thankful for what I do have.  Instead of focusing on what isn't working, I had to focus on all the wonderful family members in DH's family and trying to make sure we treaure those relationships, that we keep our marriage strong, and continue to find joy in raising our pre-teen girls, and make time for our friends.  I love to tell the girls if you always focus on what you don't have, you will always be unhappy.

5) Have whatever ground rules you need to stay sane.  My DH takes 100% of the lead.  I am cordial and will support him from the background. That said, I'm not jumping thru hoops or playing the martyr.  He jumps thru the hoops he feels willing to jump thru to maintain the relationship with his brother and for the kids to know their cousin and I listen sympathetically.  It's probably similar to the dynamic when I deal wth my family sometimes. The fact that I'm not doing anything I don't want to do most of the time makes it easy for me not to be resentful and handle the situations where I really do have to be present (like the holidays)

6) I  think you and DH have to agree your nuclear family comes first.  I'm thinking specifically about vacations but that also applies to the hoops he jumps thru to maintain the relationship. Not saying for him to kick his parents to the curb but you can't let the in-law dynamic poison your marriage.  Once you have agreement then you work out compromises like every other year to spend vacation time to see his family and they can visit you the off years. if they choose not to schedule a visit the off year, that's fine but that means you shouldn't feel guilt spending the vacation time with each other.  We often combine our vacations with visiting extended members of the family - we plan on staying at a hotel for at least some of the vacation time and if a family member invites us to stay over we are there maybe 2 nights - enough to have a great time and not overstay our welcome.  It's worked out as a good way to have a family vacation and allow our kids to get to know extended family like our aunts, first cousins and the kids of our first cousins. That's also part of focusing on the good.

7) While I don't want to give you false hope about situations changing there is always a slim possibility that it can so it is important not to torch the bridge and be in a frame of mind that if change ever did come it wouldn't be too late.  While I have low expectations this past holiday my expectations were exceeded.  I remember someone giving me this advice because his SIL was flakey for years...some of it had to do with the sibling dynamic with his wife and sister and the relationship with the parents.  His wife went about life accepting how things were but always kept the door open.  Recently the SIL started to make an effort too.[/quote]

OP here. Thanks for this. Very insightful. A lot of it hits home. Wrapped up in everything is very likely my disappointment that my ILs aren't the perfect ILs I envisioned. My own family history isn't perfect so I loved the idea of slipping into an intact, loving family. On the surface my ILs fit the bill, but beneath the surface there's just too many differences between us for me to ever feel super close to them, I think. I hear a lot of people say, "well, be grateful that they gave you DH," and while that's true to an extend, my DH's mother passed and so the family is headed by a stepmother now so I don't feel that sort of gratitude or affection. But anyway, it's disappointing that we're not closer, but I think why I was getting so frustrating is because I continued to push it. Hoping that if I lay off and accept that it is what it is and it's not going to be a great relationship that their actions won't annoy me so much anymore. At this point I have no desire to visit them ever at all, but I would imagine I'll cool off and will be willing to compromise with my husband on that eventually. Speaking of DH -- I think that was part of the problem too. I feel sometimes like he's on their side, like he weighs their perspective more heavily than mine and doesn't want to rock the boat with them so gives in rather than standing up for me. We've talked about this though recently so hopefully it will get better.[/quote]

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