Anonymous
12/27/2015 23:47
Subject: Re:Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
I would do loving kindness meditation.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 23:31
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op I have nothing to add but just echo that you need to let your husband lead 100% on this.
I am in year 2 of this and still struggling with the resentfulness and bitterness (example: having to listen to DH in the next room on Skype explain for the 10,000 th time that we will not be bringing the kids to their 2nd vacation home ever and to not invite the kids, they are 2 and 4 and don't understand) but have focused on gritting my teeth and trying to feel bad for my husband for what a difficult person he has for a mother.
I do absolutely nothing. He manages all the communication, visits, everything. The only "rule" we agreed on is that if she goes after me verbally to him, he has to say "if you have a problem with DW, please contact her directly" after a 2 hour rant he listened to last summer and was upset about for months before telling me.
You just have to stay the course and keep your husband informed of what you are doing.
Even though he manages everything, do you still go on the visits? Does that work for your? What if you had a situation where you had limited vacation time so any time spent visiting ILs was time you couldn't be relaxing or doing a family vacation you might actually enjoy?
Not the same situation, but my DH has gone and will go without me to visit his family for different reasons. At one point, after having kids, I didn't have the leave. He likes to go for at least a week. I was not willing to use my meager vacation to go and sit in his mom's house. He understood that, and your DH should as well. There was a period of two years or so that we didn't go on long vacations. No time and no money. Send your DH and the kids (not on Christmas!) and use that time to relax.
AMEN!!
Anonymous
12/27/2015 19:07
Subject: Re:Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Np here. I agree with lots of advice of the PP. Let DH take the lead 100%. Give up the dream of the perfect family. I'm blessed in the MIL and FIL department but SIL is another case. I realized the following:
1) a lot of me being upset was because I was hoping the SIL would be like another sister - on paper we have more in common than my actual sisters - I had to let go of that dream and once I did it made things easier. Someone on DCUM pointed this out and I am grateful for the person that saw the hurt I didn't even realize was the source of being upset about a particular incident.
2) Some of it was taking it personally - why doesn't she like me, I'm a likable person. It's like the song from Dreamgirls "I'm telling You"" where the character is singing "and you, and you, and you , you're gonna love me". Just like the movie, I had to realize, no you don't and that can be okay. I would like to say I let go of my need to be liked but truth is I realized she treated many people the same way and once I realized it wasn't personal, I felt freed from getting so upset.
3) Some of it may have been avoidance in my own life. My relationship with my own sisters can be rocky and it seemed easier to hope for the sister in law to be close than repair existing relationships
4) I have to be thankful for what I do have. Instead of focusing on what isn't working, I had to focus on all the wonderful family members in DH's family and trying to make sure we treaure those relationships, that we keep our marriage strong, and continue to find joy in raising our pre-teen girls, and make time for our friends. I love to tell the girls if you always focus on what you don't have, you will always be unhappy.
5) Have whatever ground rules you need to stay sane. My DH takes 100% of the lead. I am cordial and will support him from the background. That said, I'm not jumping thru hoops or playing the martyr. He jumps thru the hoops he feels willing to jump thru to maintain the relationship with his brother and for the kids to know their cousin and I listen sympathetically. It's probably similar to the dynamic when I deal wth my family sometimes. The fact that I'm not doing anything I don't want to do most of the time makes it easy for me not to be resentful and handle the situations where I really do have to be present (like the holidays)
6) I think you and DH have to agree your nuclear family comes first. I'm thinking specifically about vacations but that also applies to the hoops he jumps thru to maintain the relationship. Not saying for him to kick his parents to the curb but you can't let the in-law dynamic poison your marriage. Once you have agreement then you work out compromises like every other year to spend vacation time to see his family and they can visit you the off years. if they choose not to schedule a visit the off year, that's fine but that means you shouldn't feel guilt spending the vacation time with each other. We often combine our vacations with visiting extended members of the family - we plan on staying at a hotel for at least some of the vacation time and if a family member invites us to stay over we are there maybe 2 nights - enough to have a great time and not overstay our welcome. It's worked out as a good way to have a family vacation and allow our kids to get to know extended family like our aunts, first cousins and the kids of our first cousins. That's also part of focusing on the good.
7) While I don't want to give you false hope about situations changing there is always a slim possibility that it can so it is important not to torch the bridge and be in a frame of mind that if change ever did come it wouldn't be too late. While I have low expectations this past holiday my expectations were exceeded. I remember someone giving me this advice because his SIL was flakey for years...some of it had to do with the sibling dynamic with his wife and sister and the relationship with the parents. His wife went about life accepting how things were but always kept the door open. Recently the SIL started to make an effort too.
OP here. Thanks for this. Very insightful. A lot of it hits home. Wrapped up in everything is very likely my disappointment that my ILs aren't the perfect ILs I envisioned. My own family history isn't perfect so I loved the idea of slipping into an intact, loving family. On the surface my ILs fit the bill, but beneath the surface there's just too many differences between us for me to ever feel super close to them, I think. I hear a lot of people say, "well, be grateful that they gave you DH," and while that's true to an extend, my DH's mother passed and so the family is headed by a stepmother now so I don't feel that sort of gratitude or affection. But anyway, it's disappointing that we're not closer, but I think why I was getting so frustrating is because I continued to push it. Hoping that if I lay off and accept that it is what it is and it's not going to be a great relationship that their actions won't annoy me so much anymore. At this point I have no desire to visit them ever at all, but I would imagine I'll cool off and will be willing to compromise with my husband on that eventually. Speaking of DH -- I think that was part of the problem too. I feel sometimes like he's on their side, like he weighs their perspective more heavily than mine and doesn't want to rock the boat with them so gives in rather than standing up for me. We've talked about this though recently so hopefully it will get better.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 15:46
Subject: Re:Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Np here. I agree with lots of advice of the PP. Let DH take the lead 100%. Give up the dream of the perfect family. I'm blessed in the MIL and FIL department but SIL is another case. I realized the following:
1) a lot of me being upset was because I was hoping the SIL would be like another sister - on paper we have more in common than my actual sisters - I had to let go of that dream and once I did it made things easier. Someone on DCUM pointed this out and I am grateful for the person that saw the hurt I didn't even realize was the source of being upset about a particular incident.
2) Some of it was taking it personally - why doesn't she like me, I'm a likable person. It's like the song from Dreamgirls "I'm telling You"" where the character is singing "and you, and you, and you , you're gonna love me". Just like the movie, I had to realize, no you don't and that can be okay. I would like to say I let go of my need to be liked but truth is I realized she treated many people the same way and once I realized it wasn't personal, I felt freed from getting so upset.
3) Some of it may have been avoidance in my own life. My relationship with my own sisters can be rocky and it seemed easier to hope for the sister in law to be close than repair existing relationships
4) I have to be thankful for what I do have. Instead of focusing on what isn't working, I had to focus on all the wonderful family members in DH's family and trying to make sure we treaure those relationships, that we keep our marriage strong, and continue to find joy in raising our pre-teen girls, and make time for our friends. I love to tell the girls if you always focus on what you don't have, you will always be unhappy.
5) Have whatever ground rules you need to stay sane. My DH takes 100% of the lead. I am cordial and will support him from the background. That said, I'm not jumping thru hoops or playing the martyr. He jumps thru the hoops he feels willing to jump thru to maintain the relationship with his brother and for the kids to know their cousin and I listen sympathetically. It's probably similar to the dynamic when I deal wth my family sometimes. The fact that I'm not doing anything I don't want to do most of the time makes it easy for me not to be resentful and handle the situations where I really do have to be present (like the holidays)
6) I think you and DH have to agree your nuclear family comes first. I'm thinking specifically about vacations but that also applies to the hoops he jumps thru to maintain the relationship. Not saying for him to kick his parents to the curb but you can't let the in-law dynamic poison your marriage. Once you have agreement then you work out compromises like every other year to spend vacation time to see his family and they can visit you the off years. if they choose not to schedule a visit the off year, that's fine but that means you shouldn't feel guilt spending the vacation time with each other. We often combine our vacations with visiting extended members of the family - we plan on staying at a hotel for at least some of the vacation time and if a family member invites us to stay over we are there maybe 2 nights - enough to have a great time and not overstay our welcome. It's worked out as a good way to have a family vacation and allow our kids to get to know extended family like our aunts, first cousins and the kids of our first cousins. That's also part of focusing on the good.
7) While I don't want to give you false hope about situations changing there is always a slim possibility that it can so it is important not to torch the bridge and be in a frame of mind that if change ever did come it wouldn't be too late. While I have low expectations this past holiday my expectations were exceeded. I remember someone giving me this advice because his SIL was flakey for years...some of it had to do with the sibling dynamic with his wife and sister and the relationship with the parents. His wife went about life accepting how things were but always kept the door open. Recently the SIL started to make an effort too.
1) a lot of me being upset was because I was hoping the SIL would be like another sister - on paper we have more in common than my actual sisters - I had to let go of that dream and once I did it made things easier. Someone on DCUM pointed this out and I am grateful for the person that saw the hurt I didn't even realize was the source of being upset about a particular incident.
2) Some of it was taking it personally - why doesn't she like me, I'm a likable person. It's like the song from Dreamgirls "I'm telling You"" where the character is singing "and you, and you, and you , you're gonna love me". Just like the movie, I had to realize, no you don't and that can be okay. I would like to say I let go of my need to be liked but truth is I realized she treated many people the same way and once I realized it wasn't personal, I felt freed from getting so upset.
3) Some of it may have been avoidance in my own life. My relationship with my own sisters can be rocky and it seemed easier to hope for the sister in law to be close than repair existing relationships
4) I have to be thankful for what I do have. Instead of focusing on what isn't working, I had to focus on all the wonderful family members in DH's family and trying to make sure we treaure those relationships, that we keep our marriage strong, and continue to find joy in raising our pre-teen girls, and make time for our friends. I love to tell the girls if you always focus on what you don't have, you will always be unhappy.
5) Have whatever ground rules you need to stay sane. My DH takes 100% of the lead. I am cordial and will support him from the background. That said, I'm not jumping thru hoops or playing the martyr. He jumps thru the hoops he feels willing to jump thru to maintain the relationship with his brother and for the kids to know their cousin and I listen sympathetically. It's probably similar to the dynamic when I deal wth my family sometimes. The fact that I'm not doing anything I don't want to do most of the time makes it easy for me not to be resentful and handle the situations where I really do have to be present (like the holidays)
6) I think you and DH have to agree your nuclear family comes first. I'm thinking specifically about vacations but that also applies to the hoops he jumps thru to maintain the relationship. Not saying for him to kick his parents to the curb but you can't let the in-law dynamic poison your marriage. Once you have agreement then you work out compromises like every other year to spend vacation time to see his family and they can visit you the off years. if they choose not to schedule a visit the off year, that's fine but that means you shouldn't feel guilt spending the vacation time with each other. We often combine our vacations with visiting extended members of the family - we plan on staying at a hotel for at least some of the vacation time and if a family member invites us to stay over we are there maybe 2 nights - enough to have a great time and not overstay our welcome. It's worked out as a good way to have a family vacation and allow our kids to get to know extended family like our aunts, first cousins and the kids of our first cousins. That's also part of focusing on the good.
7) While I don't want to give you false hope about situations changing there is always a slim possibility that it can so it is important not to torch the bridge and be in a frame of mind that if change ever did come it wouldn't be too late. While I have low expectations this past holiday my expectations were exceeded. I remember someone giving me this advice because his SIL was flakey for years...some of it had to do with the sibling dynamic with his wife and sister and the relationship with the parents. His wife went about life accepting how things were but always kept the door open. Recently the SIL started to make an effort too.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 14:04
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op I have nothing to add but just echo that you need to let your husband lead 100% on this.
I am in year 2 of this and still struggling with the resentfulness and bitterness (example: having to listen to DH in the next room on Skype explain for the 10,000 th time that we will not be bringing the kids to their 2nd vacation home ever and to not invite the kids, they are 2 and 4 and don't understand) but have focused on gritting my teeth and trying to feel bad for my husband for what a difficult person he has for a mother.
I do absolutely nothing. He manages all the communication, visits, everything. The only "rule" we agreed on is that if she goes after me verbally to him, he has to say "if you have a problem with DW, please contact her directly" after a 2 hour rant he listened to last summer and was upset about for months before telling me.
You just have to stay the course and keep your husband informed of what you are doing.
Even though he manages everything, do you still go on the visits? Does that work for your? What if you had a situation where you had limited vacation time so any time spent visiting ILs was time you couldn't be relaxing or doing a family vacation you might actually enjoy?
Pp here.
His vacation time is limited as are our finances so we don't visit them. (Another huge bone of contention: they moved to a remote location that would cost us over $3k just in airfare, they are not set up to accommodate a baby and 2 toddlers (it's a 1 bedroom) so we would have to get a car and hotel, and we have never nor likely will never be in a position to spend 5-6k on a vacation).
We do our family vacations within driving distance and keep it under $1k (I know, the horror) and they visit us twice a year.
No they would never think to pay for plane tickets.
If we had the means to go visit them we would probably go once every few years, like you said it would be too much for me to spend what is a huge amount of money on something I would be miserable at, and spend all that vacation time as well.
Luckily we are poor?! And don't have to consider that.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 11:27
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op I have nothing to add but just echo that you need to let your husband lead 100% on this.
I am in year 2 of this and still struggling with the resentfulness and bitterness (example: having to listen to DH in the next room on Skype explain for the 10,000 th time that we will not be bringing the kids to their 2nd vacation home ever and to not invite the kids, they are 2 and 4 and don't understand) but have focused on gritting my teeth and trying to feel bad for my husband for what a difficult person he has for a mother.
I do absolutely nothing. He manages all the communication, visits, everything. The only "rule" we agreed on is that if she goes after me verbally to him, he has to say "if you have a problem with DW, please contact her directly" after a 2 hour rant he listened to last summer and was upset about for months before telling me.
You just have to stay the course and keep your husband informed of what you are doing.
Even though he manages everything, do you still go on the visits? Does that work for your? What if you had a situation where you had limited vacation time so any time spent visiting ILs was time you couldn't be relaxing or doing a family vacation you might actually enjoy?
Not the same situation, but my DH has gone and will go without me to visit his family for different reasons. At one point, after having kids, I didn't have the leave. He likes to go for at least a week. I was not willing to use my meager vacation to go and sit in his mom's house. He understood that, and your DH should as well. There was a period of two years or so that we didn't go on long vacations. No time and no money. Send your DH and the kids (not on Christmas!) and use that time to relax.
Anonymous
12/27/2015 10:03
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Op I have nothing to add but just echo that you need to let your husband lead 100% on this.
I am in year 2 of this and still struggling with the resentfulness and bitterness (example: having to listen to DH in the next room on Skype explain for the 10,000 th time that we will not be bringing the kids to their 2nd vacation home ever and to not invite the kids, they are 2 and 4 and don't understand) but have focused on gritting my teeth and trying to feel bad for my husband for what a difficult person he has for a mother.
I do absolutely nothing. He manages all the communication, visits, everything. The only "rule" we agreed on is that if she goes after me verbally to him, he has to say "if you have a problem with DW, please contact her directly" after a 2 hour rant he listened to last summer and was upset about for months before telling me.
You just have to stay the course and keep your husband informed of what you are doing.
Even though he manages everything, do you still go on the visits? Does that work for your? What if you had a situation where you had limited vacation time so any time spent visiting ILs was time you couldn't be relaxing or doing a family vacation you might actually enjoy?
Anonymous
12/26/2015 20:29
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
OP here. Thanks all! If nothing else, it is really a help to me to hear that others face similar issues. I've tried so hard and still gotten nowhere, and that's a hard pill to swallow. I don't think of myself as someone who can't play nicely with others, so my wanting to disengage feels really extreme and problematic to me at times. But reading about others making some decisions makes me realize these dynamics are unfortunately all too common, and maybe there's nothing crazy wrong with either me or the in-laws, but that these conflicts just come up when you mesh different families.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 13:05
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Op I have nothing to add but just echo that you need to let your husband lead 100% on this.
I am in year 2 of this and still struggling with the resentfulness and bitterness (example: having to listen to DH in the next room on Skype explain for the 10,000 th time that we will not be bringing the kids to their 2nd vacation home ever and to not invite the kids, they are 2 and 4 and don't understand) but have focused on gritting my teeth and trying to feel bad for my husband for what a difficult person he has for a mother.
I do absolutely nothing. He manages all the communication, visits, everything. The only "rule" we agreed on is that if she goes after me verbally to him, he has to say "if you have a problem with DW, please contact her directly" after a 2 hour rant he listened to last summer and was upset about for months before telling me.
You just have to stay the course and keep your husband informed of what you are doing.
I am in year 2 of this and still struggling with the resentfulness and bitterness (example: having to listen to DH in the next room on Skype explain for the 10,000 th time that we will not be bringing the kids to their 2nd vacation home ever and to not invite the kids, they are 2 and 4 and don't understand) but have focused on gritting my teeth and trying to feel bad for my husband for what a difficult person he has for a mother.
I do absolutely nothing. He manages all the communication, visits, everything. The only "rule" we agreed on is that if she goes after me verbally to him, he has to say "if you have a problem with DW, please contact her directly" after a 2 hour rant he listened to last summer and was upset about for months before telling me.
You just have to stay the course and keep your husband informed of what you are doing.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 12:58
Subject: Re:Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:I've been married a long time. My in laws never liked me, they tolerated me and my kids. If we went over to visit, fine, if not, fine. It got to the point where my husband and kids went to visit, I didn't. For years I thought it was me. It wasn't.
I married their son THEY did not like. It was just easier for them to dislike me because I wasn't blood.
+1
Some people are threatened by outsiders knowing how effed up they really are, OP.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 12:57
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op ~ your feelings aren't paramount. Are they as cordial and as polite to you as they would be to a neighbor? A stranger? They don't owe you anything. Get your emotional needs met somewhere else.
This seems harsh. In-laws shouldn't and usually don't treat their DILs like neighbors or strangers.
+1
NP here. The top PP sounds like something my MIL would say - she is very cold and obnoxious.
OP, you should be treated like family, because that is what you are. Nothing your IL's do or say will change that you are family. In fact, many women I know won't divorce because they won't give their evil MIL's the satisfaction (especially since, truth be told, the MILs won't be around much longer).
You have to be civil, but that is all. You treat them as they treat you. Minimize contact with them, and let DH do the communicating (as PP mentioned). After all, DH has been (trying to) communicate with them his whole life - now he HAS to! You don't deserve mean spirited, toxic people; so don't involve mean spirited, toxic people.
You owe toxic people nothing - and if they are family (as your ILs are) - they should be reaching out to you - there are many more of them than you, and they know their dynamics better than anyone.
In my case, the ILs are not warm or welcoming, unless there are strangers present. So, I have learned not to bother with them unless. Theya re very preoccupied with public perception. If your ILs are similar, use it to your advantage. GL.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 12:48
Subject: Re:Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
I've been married a long time. My in laws never liked me, they tolerated me and my kids. If we went over to visit, fine, if not, fine. It got to the point where my husband and kids went to visit, I didn't. For years I thought it was me. It wasn't.
I married their son THEY did not like. It was just easier for them to dislike me because I wasn't blood.
I married their son THEY did not like. It was just easier for them to dislike me because I wasn't blood.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 09:36
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.
You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.
You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.
Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.
You also need to remember that this is HIS family. It is totally understandable that he doesn’t want to back off. And, it would probably damage your relationship more if you forced him to back off.
OP here. I get this and don't blame him, but it gets tricky when my desire to not spend our family vacation timing going to see his family butts up against his obligation to visit. Separate vacations doesn't seem like a great option either.
Just try to find the kind things that the in laws do. Find something. There is something there, I promise you.
And, keep in mind that your husband was with his family long before you found him.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 09:14
Subject: Re:Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
I never had a great relationship with my ex-inlaws, but I still need to deal with them because of my child. They aren't terrible people, but we don't have much in common. They are materialistic, value the appearance of happy/nice over any kind of authentic experience, FIL can be a bully. This year, going into Christmas, I knew that spending time with them would give me more time with my daughter, so I decided to look at spending time with them and having a pleasant time as my gift to them (I did also get them a gift). For me that made everything easier, because it gave me power in the relationship. Instead of feeling like I was being forced to deal with them, it was my choice and I was doing the best job possible. Think of it as a good deed.
Anonymous
12/26/2015 09:03
Subject: Advice needed about inlaw relationship - looking to change me, not them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Focus on your relationship with your family of origin. You've done the best you can do with DH's side of the family. It's not happening. You can't force it. Move on.
You may find that when you take this pressure off of yourself, they'll feel less pressure from you, and may come around a bit. But again, that might not be the case, and it's OK.
You can't force closeness. Know that you've done your best, you did everything you could do, but it's not up to you totally, and you're not in control. Focus on your husband and children, and your family of origin, and your friends.
Thank you for this kid, reasonable reply. This is all great advice. It's what I've been trying to do, but the issue is that my husband of course doesn't want to back off the relationship with his family. I'm not sure how to mesh my needs with his.
You also need to remember that this is HIS family. It is totally understandable that he doesn’t want to back off. And, it would probably damage your relationship more if you forced him to back off.
Just try to find the kind things that the in laws do. Find something. There is something there, I promise you.
And, keep in mind that your husband was with his family long before you found him.