Reply to Is it Fair to Say That Both Parties Are to Blame in the Demise of a Marriage?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thoughts? If one party has an affair and the other party is hurt and angry over it and the hurt and anger eventually cause the breakup? Now it is just as much to do with the hurt party?[/quote]

I find this logic so odd.  Would you say, "If one spouse hit another, and the other party is hurt and angry over it, and the hurt and anger about being beaten eventually caused the breakup, is the breakup equally the hurt person's fault?"

When you put it like that, I think most people would agree -- the party who is beaten is not to blame if the marriage ends, neither to blame for causing the other spouse to dole out the beating and nor to blame for reacting to being beaten by terminating the marriage.  All of the blame in the situation is on the person who decided to use his/her fists to solve a problem.

If you try to distinguish the situations (abuse and adultery) by saying that being the victim of adultery is not as bad as being beaten, then I would say that you know nothing about the dynamic of abuse whether it's physical or emotional.

The top of your post asks a larger question than just adultery, "is it fair to say that both parties are to blame in the demise of a marriage?  I would say an emphatic NO.  There are many situations in which one partner is solely responsible -- adultery, abuse (emotional or physical) or addiction are just a few examples.  These behaviors are so dysfunctional, that no spouse should be expected to tolerate them in a marriage.  It is not my responsibility as a spouse to "get over" the pain of these behaviors and learn to live with them.  That is asking me to put myself in an extremely unhealthy, unsafe, damaging environment (not to mention the impact on the kids.)

Just like we expect spouses in a marriage to solve problems with their words and not fists, so it is right and fair to expect other marital or personal problems to be solved with words (like "I want a divorce" or "I think we need therapy") instead of 3rd party penises (or vaginas). [/quote]

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