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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After many years of emotional abuse, I've realized my mom very likely has NPD (my whole life i knew there was something, I just didn't have a name for it). Things have gotten far worse between us since I've had my own children because I can't or won't accomodate her the way I used to.  She's always angry with me about something, blames me for everything and says I don't want a relationship with her and I'll be sorry when she dies.  In the past year and a half, she hasn't called me once, including on my birthdays but I've called her numerous times so she can talk with my kids. She's generally fine with them although she privately accuses me of keeping them away from her and being a terrible mom for various reasons.   [b]Anyway, despite all this I really would like to have some kind of at least cordial relationship with her both for myself and for my kids since I grew up with grandparents and I want that for them too.  Am I being unrealistic?[/b]  If you've been down this road and done anything short of cutoff, how have you done it and what's worked for you?  [/quote]

I'm just going to be blunt.  Yes, you are being unrealistic.  As other posters have said, the grandparents you grew up with are not the kind of grandparent your mother is going to be.  Your mother is emotionally abusive.  You need to protect your children.  Even if she is not abusive to them, they do not need to see or hear you being abused.

I say this as someone who has a mother with NPD and who was extremely abusive to me in so many ways: physically (when I was a child), emotionally, financially....pretty much every way there is to abuse someone, she did to me, except sexually (that was a family friend, and when I told her about it several years after it happened her response was that no one would ever do that to HER! No empathy for me, at.all., no anger towards the man who did it either).  I had my first baby earlier this year, and have decided not to maintain a relationship with my parents (my father is completely codependent on my mother and will go along with whatever she says or does in order to keep the peace). They actually haven't spoken to me since earlier this year because I (GASP!), decided to be financially independent from them and it affected their taxes.  The space from them (which began during my pregnancy), has been amazing.  I feel like a new person although it hasn't been easy and I know it is going to take a long time to deal with the trauma I survived.  But you know what?  My sweet child will never be subjected to my parents, and will never see me being abused by them either.

When I first realized my mother has NPD (and this was confirmed by my therapist for all you haters out there), I read everything I could get my hands on.  This is something I came across that might be helpful to you if you do decide to continue a relationship with her: https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/category/npd-mil-and-grandchildren/

Best of luck to you, OP.
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