Anonymous
12/03/2015 21:23
Subject: Parent with personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote: For those of you who limited contact, how did you manage it? It seems for my mom like it's all or nothing - ie: you're with me or against me.
19:31 PP here. I just made it so that when she called, it didn't ring. She would call like 7 times in a row and wouldn't leave a message. I changed my vm message to: "if you'd like me to return your call, please leave a message." I would wait a few days and say, "My ringer is off, but I saw you called." She'd say, "I know, I called a million times and you never called back!" I would say, "well, it clearly wasn't important because you didn't leave a message." We did that dance for a few months before she realized I would literally not play her game. If I happen to be holding my phone when she calls, and it's been at least a week since we've talked, I'll pick it up. I end the conversation quickly. 90% of the time she will call right back when we are done talking, and I will not pick it up. I really, truly, will not talk to her more than once a week. I never had a conversation with her where I said, "Mom, I'm only comfortable having one short call a week," it's just a boundary I've set for myself. Although I did blow up at her once in my 20s and said something like, "I just don't like talking on the phone!" Which is true, but she still thinks of me as the 13-
PP, sorry, as the 13-year-old who spent every afternoon monopolizing the landline.
Anonymous
12/03/2015 21:22
Subject: Parent with personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote: For those of you who limited contact, how did you manage it? It seems for my mom like it's all or nothing - ie: you're with me or against me.
19:31 PP here. I just made it so that when she called, it didn't ring. She would call like 7 times in a row and wouldn't leave a message. I changed my vm message to: "if you'd like me to return your call, please leave a message." I would wait a few days and say, "My ringer is off, but I saw you called." She'd say, "I know, I called a million times and you never called back!" I would say, "well, it clearly wasn't important because you didn't leave a message." We did that dance for a few months before she realized I would literally not play her game. If I happen to be holding my phone when she calls, and it's been at least a week since we've talked, I'll pick it up. I end the conversation quickly. 90% of the time she will call right back when we are done talking, and I will not pick it up. I really, truly, will not talk to her more than once a week. I never had a conversation with her where I said, "Mom, I'm only comfortable having one short call a week," it's just a boundary I've set for myself. Although I did blow up at her once in my 20s and said something like, "I just don't like talking on the phone!" Which is true, but she still thinks of me as the 13-
Anonymous
12/03/2015 13:51
Subject: Parent with personality disorder?
OP here - thanks PP's who shared your own experience. So much resonates with my own that sometimes it's strange to read it and realize it isn't just me who has gone through it. I was especially interested in the link to the site about grooming grandkids because that's been a huge issue with my mom and one of my children. She tries to take her off alone all the time and never wants all of us to be together as a family. If DH and I come home while they're watching the kids, they'll get up and get their coats on to go. I've mentioned to her before that I feel hurt by it because it seems like she doesn't want to be around us, but I know she also does it to my SIL as well. Recently she got really angry with me and DH because of something my daughter supposedly said on the phone but I doubt that my daughter said anything at all and if she did I'm sure it was after some serious probing my mom because it's not something DD has ever said to us or seemed to care about at all before. She sends a lot of presents to my older one and only asks about her and not her siblings. I've told my parents I don't think it's healthy and I've stopped leaving her alone with any of my kids. She's openly critical of our parenting in front of them too which hopefully they're too young to pick up on at this point but I'm sure it won't be long. Reading through the article and the responses has helped me get some clarity that it's not necessarily good for my kids either to have a relationship with her. I guess part of me was hoping that she could be a better grandmother than mother and I still think to some extent that's true but I see now that she's continuing unhealthy patterns with them and I need to protect them (and myself) more than I have been. For those of you who limited contact, how did you manage it? It seems for my mom like it's all or nothing - ie: you're with me or against me.
Anonymous
12/02/2015 07:18
Subject: Parent with personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:After many years of emotional abuse, I've realized my mom very likely has NPD (my whole life i knew there was something, I just didn't have a name for it). Things have gotten far worse between us since I've had my own children because I can't or won't accomodate her the way I used to. She's always angry with me about something, blames me for everything and says I don't want a relationship with her and I'll be sorry when she dies. In the past year and a half, she hasn't called me once, including on my birthdays but I've called her numerous times so she can talk with my kids. She's generally fine with them although she privately accuses me of keeping them away from her and being a terrible mom for various reasons. Anyway, despite all this I really would like to have some kind of at least cordial relationship with her both for myself and for my kids since I grew up with grandparents and I want that for them too. Am I being unrealistic? If you've been down this road and done anything short of cutoff, how have you done it and what's worked for you?
I'm just going to be blunt. Yes, you are being unrealistic. As other posters have said, the grandparents you grew up with are not the kind of grandparent your mother is going to be. Your mother is emotionally abusive. You need to protect your children. Even if she is not abusive to them, they do not need to see or hear you being abused.
I say this as someone who has a mother with NPD and who was extremely abusive to me in so many ways: physically (when I was a child), emotionally, financially....pretty much every way there is to abuse someone, she did to me, except sexually (that was a family friend, and when I told her about it several years after it happened her response was that no one would ever do that to HER! No empathy for me, at.all., no anger towards the man who did it either). I had my first baby earlier this year, and have decided not to maintain a relationship with my parents (my father is completely codependent on my mother and will go along with whatever she says or does in order to keep the peace). They actually haven't spoken to me since earlier this year because I (GASP!), decided to be financially independent from them and it affected their taxes. The space from them (which began during my pregnancy), has been amazing. I feel like a new person although it hasn't been easy and I know it is going to take a long time to deal with the trauma I survived. But you know what? My sweet child will never be subjected to my parents, and will never see me being abused by them either.
When I first realized my mother has NPD (and this was confirmed by my therapist for all you haters out there), I read everything I could get my hands on. This is something I came across that might be helpful to you if you do decide to continue a relationship with her: https://narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/category/npd-mil-and-grandchildren/
Best of luck to you, OP.
Anonymous
12/01/2015 23:18
Subject: Parent with personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Sorry, OP.
This is so my mom. I realized a couple years ago that she has NPD (not diagnosed, but every telltale characteristic). Most NPD is not diagnosed, anyway, since NPD folks refuse to believe that there could be anything wrong with the way they do things. Anyway, I had managed to create some good boundaries over the past couple years (only answering one phone call a week, only having one short visit a month, etc.).
But... since finding out I'm pregnant, she's gone off the rails. She's telling everyone she knows, calling all the time, sending weird gifts, texting with name suggestions, telling strangers, "we're pregnant," that kind of shit. And I'm only 12 weeks!
Spending time with her and the nieces and nephews over Thanksgiving has given me renewed vigor to implement even firmer boundaries before the baby comes. There were 10 people, potluck style, and not at her house, so she was not the center of attention. Since she couldn't be the star of the show by hosting or cooking, she instead interacted by ordering everyone around, interrupting conversations to try to get people to pay attention to her, changing any topic that didn't have to do with her, etc. And not in a subtle way, either, more like there would be 6 people who would be having a pleasant conversation, and she would yell, "Why are you talking about that stupid stuff? Stop talking and come out here with me!" Um, no. You are welcome to join the conversation like a normal person.
There was a family blowup at T'giving a few years ago where I had to tell her, "If you don't occasionally do things that other people want to do, nobody is going to want to hang out with you." It ended with my aunt not talking to her for more than a year. I thought that had gotten through for a while, but no. She has had several instances of people going no contact with her for extended periods of time, but she never seems to get that the common denominator is her.
This year, she snapped at me right before dinner, and I snapped back. She was ordering everyone around into where to sit (hello, if you want a seating chart, try namecards?), and I just took a seat, and my stepfather said, "You'd better ask your mom where she wants you," so I gritted my teeth and asked, "Mom, where should I sit?" She snapped, "RIGHT THERE!" and I said, "Oh, was it supposed to be OBVIOUS?" She spent the rest of the night acting like a petulant child and refusing to talk to anyone. Then it was all, "Where's Grandma? Why is Grandma mad? Grandma's mad!" etc. We left right after dessert. She was hidden off somewhere trying to get attention, so we left without saying goodbye to her. Flashback to my terrible adolescence. I'm sure I'll get a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" lecture soon.
She lives about an hour away and spends a lot of time alone with the nieces and nephews (weekends, vacations, etc.). In fact, she managed a few years ago to get custody of my oldest niece (don't get me started) which apparently is not uncommon for g'parents with NPD. When my sister is not around, I hear my mom make cutting remarks about her in front of her kids. She undermines her all the time in front of them. I am pretty sure the only reason my sister takes it is because they pay the private school tuition and extra curriculars for the kids. This gets her plenty of N Supply, I'm sure. My mom is constantly trying to triangulate relationships and there are too many examples to cite here.
DH and I have decided to set some firm boundaries before the baby comes. We will not be leaving our child alone with her--ever. (In fact, we're more likely to leave the baby with his 80-year old aunt.) Luckily, we are not in a position to need their help financially, so she can't bribe our attention and servitude.
I also need to get into therapy to work through some of this shit ASAP. So, OP, no advice, just commiseration. The people on this thread who don't believe your parent has NPD have never dealt with this shit, or else they would get it. Sorry I wrote a novel--apparently I needed to get this off my chest.
thanks for this -- good examples of the drama that surrounds these people
Anonymous
12/01/2015 20:30
Subject: Re:Parent with personality disorder?
Anonymous wrote:OP, any negativity you get will come from those that have a similar issue to your mother and identify with her. Support will come from those of us who identify with you.
A therapist can help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries, I urge you to give it a try. It can really help.
+1
Anonymous
12/01/2015 19:31
Subject: Parent with personality disorder?
Ugh. Sorry, OP.
This is so my mom. I realized a couple years ago that she has NPD (not diagnosed, but every telltale characteristic). Most NPD is not diagnosed, anyway, since NPD folks refuse to believe that there could be anything wrong with the way they do things. Anyway, I had managed to create some good boundaries over the past couple years (only answering one phone call a week, only having one short visit a month, etc.).
But... since finding out I'm pregnant, she's gone off the rails. She's telling everyone she knows, calling all the time, sending weird gifts, texting with name suggestions, telling strangers, "we're pregnant," that kind of shit. And I'm only 12 weeks!
Spending time with her and the nieces and nephews over Thanksgiving has given me renewed vigor to implement even firmer boundaries before the baby comes. There were 10 people, potluck style, and not at her house, so she was not the center of attention. Since she couldn't be the star of the show by hosting or cooking, she instead interacted by ordering everyone around, interrupting conversations to try to get people to pay attention to her, changing any topic that didn't have to do with her, etc. And not in a subtle way, either, more like there would be 6 people who would be having a pleasant conversation, and she would yell, "Why are you talking about that stupid stuff? Stop talking and come out here with me!" Um, no. You are welcome to join the conversation like a normal person.
There was a family blowup at T'giving a few years ago where I had to tell her, "If you don't occasionally do things that other people want to do, nobody is going to want to hang out with you." It ended with my aunt not talking to her for more than a year. I thought that had gotten through for a while, but no. She has had several instances of people going no contact with her for extended periods of time, but she never seems to get that the common denominator is her.
This year, she snapped at me right before dinner, and I snapped back. She was ordering everyone around into where to sit (hello, if you want a seating chart, try namecards?), and I just took a seat, and my stepfather said, "You'd better ask your mom where she wants you," so I gritted my teeth and asked, "Mom, where should I sit?" She snapped, "RIGHT THERE!" and I said, "Oh, was it supposed to be OBVIOUS?" She spent the rest of the night acting like a petulant child and refusing to talk to anyone. Then it was all, "Where's Grandma? Why is Grandma mad? Grandma's mad!" etc. We left right after dessert. She was hidden off somewhere trying to get attention, so we left without saying goodbye to her. Flashback to my terrible adolescence. I'm sure I'll get a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" lecture soon.
She lives about an hour away and spends a lot of time alone with the nieces and nephews (weekends, vacations, etc.). In fact, she managed a few years ago to get custody of my oldest niece (don't get me started) which apparently is not uncommon for g'parents with NPD. When my sister is not around, I hear my mom make cutting remarks about her in front of her kids. She undermines her all the time in front of them. I am pretty sure the only reason my sister takes it is because they pay the private school tuition and extra curriculars for the kids. This gets her plenty of N Supply, I'm sure. My mom is constantly trying to triangulate relationships and there are too many examples to cite here.
DH and I have decided to set some firm boundaries before the baby comes. We will not be leaving our child alone with her--ever. (In fact, we're more likely to leave the baby with his 80-year old aunt.) Luckily, we are not in a position to need their help financially, so she can't bribe our attention and servitude.
I also need to get into therapy to work through some of this shit ASAP. So, OP, no advice, just commiseration. The people on this thread who don't believe your parent has NPD have never dealt with this shit, or else they would get it. Sorry I wrote a novel--apparently I needed to get this off my chest.
This is so my mom. I realized a couple years ago that she has NPD (not diagnosed, but every telltale characteristic). Most NPD is not diagnosed, anyway, since NPD folks refuse to believe that there could be anything wrong with the way they do things. Anyway, I had managed to create some good boundaries over the past couple years (only answering one phone call a week, only having one short visit a month, etc.).
But... since finding out I'm pregnant, she's gone off the rails. She's telling everyone she knows, calling all the time, sending weird gifts, texting with name suggestions, telling strangers, "we're pregnant," that kind of shit. And I'm only 12 weeks!
Spending time with her and the nieces and nephews over Thanksgiving has given me renewed vigor to implement even firmer boundaries before the baby comes. There were 10 people, potluck style, and not at her house, so she was not the center of attention. Since she couldn't be the star of the show by hosting or cooking, she instead interacted by ordering everyone around, interrupting conversations to try to get people to pay attention to her, changing any topic that didn't have to do with her, etc. And not in a subtle way, either, more like there would be 6 people who would be having a pleasant conversation, and she would yell, "Why are you talking about that stupid stuff? Stop talking and come out here with me!" Um, no. You are welcome to join the conversation like a normal person.
There was a family blowup at T'giving a few years ago where I had to tell her, "If you don't occasionally do things that other people want to do, nobody is going to want to hang out with you." It ended with my aunt not talking to her for more than a year. I thought that had gotten through for a while, but no. She has had several instances of people going no contact with her for extended periods of time, but she never seems to get that the common denominator is her.
This year, she snapped at me right before dinner, and I snapped back. She was ordering everyone around into where to sit (hello, if you want a seating chart, try namecards?), and I just took a seat, and my stepfather said, "You'd better ask your mom where she wants you," so I gritted my teeth and asked, "Mom, where should I sit?" She snapped, "RIGHT THERE!" and I said, "Oh, was it supposed to be OBVIOUS?" She spent the rest of the night acting like a petulant child and refusing to talk to anyone. Then it was all, "Where's Grandma? Why is Grandma mad? Grandma's mad!" etc. We left right after dessert. She was hidden off somewhere trying to get attention, so we left without saying goodbye to her. Flashback to my terrible adolescence. I'm sure I'll get a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" lecture soon.
She lives about an hour away and spends a lot of time alone with the nieces and nephews (weekends, vacations, etc.). In fact, she managed a few years ago to get custody of my oldest niece (don't get me started) which apparently is not uncommon for g'parents with NPD. When my sister is not around, I hear my mom make cutting remarks about her in front of her kids. She undermines her all the time in front of them. I am pretty sure the only reason my sister takes it is because they pay the private school tuition and extra curriculars for the kids. This gets her plenty of N Supply, I'm sure. My mom is constantly trying to triangulate relationships and there are too many examples to cite here.
DH and I have decided to set some firm boundaries before the baby comes. We will not be leaving our child alone with her--ever. (In fact, we're more likely to leave the baby with his 80-year old aunt.) Luckily, we are not in a position to need their help financially, so she can't bribe our attention and servitude.
I also need to get into therapy to work through some of this shit ASAP. So, OP, no advice, just commiseration. The people on this thread who don't believe your parent has NPD have never dealt with this shit, or else they would get it. Sorry I wrote a novel--apparently I needed to get this off my chest.
Anonymous
12/01/2015 18:01
Subject: Re:Parent with personality disorder?
OP, any negativity you get will come from those that have a similar issue to your mother and identify with her. Support will come from those of us who identify with you.
A therapist can help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries, I urge you to give it a try. It can really help.
A therapist can help you learn how to set appropriate boundaries, I urge you to give it a try. It can really help.