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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Ugh. Sorry, OP.

This is so my mom. I realized a couple years ago that she has NPD (not diagnosed, but every telltale characteristic). Most NPD is not diagnosed, anyway, since NPD folks refuse to believe that there could be anything wrong with the way they do things. Anyway, I had managed to create some good boundaries over the past couple years (only answering one phone call a week, only having one short visit a month, etc.).

But... since finding out I'm pregnant, she's gone off the rails. She's telling everyone she knows, calling all the time, sending weird gifts, texting with name suggestions, telling strangers, "we're pregnant," that kind of shit. And I'm only 12 weeks!

Spending time with her and the nieces and nephews over Thanksgiving has given me renewed vigor to implement even firmer boundaries before the baby comes. There were 10 people, potluck style, and not at her house, so she was not the center of attention. Since she couldn't be the star of the show by hosting or cooking, she instead interacted by ordering everyone around, interrupting conversations to try to get people to pay attention to her, changing any topic that didn't have to do with her, etc. And not in a subtle way, either, more like there would be 6 people who would be having a pleasant conversation, and she would yell, "Why are you talking about that stupid stuff? Stop talking and come out here with me!" Um, no. You are welcome to join the conversation like a normal person.

There was a family blowup at T'giving a few years ago where I had to tell her, "If you don't occasionally do things that other people want to do, nobody is going to want to hang out with you." It ended with my aunt not talking to her for more than a year. I thought that had gotten through for a while, but no. She has had several instances of people going no contact with her for extended periods of time, but she never seems to get that the common denominator is her.

This year, she snapped at me right before dinner, and I snapped back. She was ordering everyone around into where to sit (hello, if you want a seating chart, try namecards?), and I just took a seat, and my stepfather said, "You'd better ask your mom where she wants you," so I gritted my teeth and asked, "Mom, where should I sit?" She snapped, "RIGHT THERE!" and I said, "Oh, was it supposed to be OBVIOUS?" She spent the rest of the night acting like a petulant child and refusing to talk to anyone. Then it was all, "Where's Grandma? Why is Grandma mad? Grandma's mad!" etc. We left right after dessert. She was hidden off somewhere trying to get attention, so we left without saying goodbye to her. Flashback to my terrible adolescence. I'm sure I'll get a "you'll be sorry when I'm gone" lecture soon.

She lives about an hour away and spends a lot of time alone with the nieces and nephews (weekends, vacations, etc.). In fact, she managed a few years ago to get custody of my oldest niece (don't get me started) which apparently is not uncommon for g'parents with NPD. When my sister is not around, I hear my mom make cutting remarks about her in front of her kids. She undermines her all the time in front of them. I am pretty sure the only reason my sister takes it is because they pay the private school tuition and extra curriculars for the kids. This gets her plenty of N Supply, I'm sure. My mom is constantly trying to triangulate relationships and there are too many examples to cite here.

DH and I have decided to set some firm boundaries before the baby comes. We will not be leaving our child alone with her--ever. (In fact, we're more likely to leave the baby with his 80-year old aunt.) Luckily, we are not in a position to need their help financially, so she can't bribe our attention and servitude.

I also need to get into therapy to work through some of this shit ASAP. So, OP, no advice, just commiseration. The people on this thread who don't believe your parent has NPD have never dealt with this shit, or else they would get it. Sorry I wrote a novel--apparently I needed to get this off my chest. [/quote]

thanks for this -- good examples of the drama that surrounds these people[/quote]

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