Reply to This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]  Anyone relate?

My whole life until my 30s I had close female friends. A few friendships became unhealthy and 1 sided (e.g alcoholic friend crying to me over problems weekly, asking for favors and then going on tirades when drunk and being verbally abusive. I realized I had become an enabler and distanced myself.) Over time when I have dealt with enough of this type of stuff I decided my husband is the best friend who doesn't hurt me or use me and he is the person I trust and give my all too. I have female friends/acquaintances, but not close friends because I don't have much to give anymore. One of my kids has SN. My parents ae having aging issues, etc.

Recently, I decided I shouldn't see friendship as a drain and I allowed someone to get closer and as soon as I did that it went from pleasant, but distant to her asking for major favors. She's not ill or in a dire situation. She just suddenly felt comfortable enough to ask me to do things for her and now I don't want to deal with her at all and I wish I had not let my guard down.[b] I have to say "no" and if I had not given her chance I would not have to feel like a bitch[/b].
 
    Anyone else find female friendships too draining to deal.[/quote]

I think the bolded part explains a lot. If saying no to someone asking a huge favor of you makes you feel like a bitch, then you have issues with boundaries and saying no. And people who cannot maintain boundaries tend to attract people who don't respect boundaries and who demand a lot. What I am saying is that I think you are attracting, and having issues with, a particular subset of the population. I do not think that your experience is typical.

I think your choices are to restrict yourself to a very small social circle or to work on learning to assert yourself. I was raised by a mom who thought she could never say no to any request, and I was raised to (1) rarely ask for anything, because asking is essentially a demand, and (2) never say no. So I get where you are coming from. This is something I have worked on in therapy a lot, and while it is still uncomfortable for me to ask for help or to say no, I can now do it with just a twinge of discomfort and then move on. And I have learned to spot the people who don't respect boundaries and keep my distance from them. 
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