Anonymous
Post 11/08/2015 06:44     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:Maybe you're attracting the wrong people. I'm 39 and while I've had a few clunkers along the way, overall have a nice assortment of friends from different phases in my life with very little drama.


Same here. I can count on 3 fingers bad friends I have encountered and they only lasted a few months. I have 4 long term friends who I talk to regularly, cry with, and celebrate with. The are one part of this beautiful life that I would miss terribly if I no longer had them.
Anonymous
Post 11/08/2015 05:17     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
I relate to your story big time.

My flavor is a little bit different - I realized that many of my "friends" were petty, competitive, and majorly "fair weather."

It was a big let down.

BUT, I still do have 2 close female friends. We don't see each other often (live in different states) but the love is there and has been for many years. I am grateful for them.

But yes, DH is my main man, so to speak

Anonymous
Post 11/08/2015 03:45     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Some can be, but those are the types of relationships that I tend to stay away from. I hate having my precious energy sucked in by someone else.

There are many lovely potential friends to be made, just make sure you stick up for yourself as I see you have been doing.

A true friend will know that they need to respect your boundaries and be happy for the friendship alone.
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2015 14:41     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:A friend recently lost her husband suddenly. He was in his 40's and died in his sleep. Her friends were there for her. What would you do if this happened to you? I think it's dangerous to rely solely on one person for all of your emotional needs.


That is tragic and horrible, but I am not running out to make close friends so people are there for me if tragedy hits. You can't assume even your closest friends will be there for you and even if they are, you don't want them to burn out providing emotional support. I would join a support group and deal with the cards I was dealt, but I'm not going to live in fear of every scenario. My situation now works for me.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 21:43     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Not all female friendships are like this, but a lot are. I think for whatever reason, we seek validation from others too often, constantly work to figure out what others are thinking/feeling about us, need assurance of being "liked" and "loved," even sometimes "test" relationships to feel liked/loved. I think many women mature out of this perspective, but for many of us, it doesn't happen until our 30s/40s, if then.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 21:40     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:Maybe you're attracting the wrong people. I'm 39 and while I've had a few clunkers along the way, overall have a nice assortment of friends from different phases in my life with very little drama.


This.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 21:23     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote: Anyone relate?

My whole life until my 30s I had close female friends. A few friendships became unhealthy and 1 sided (e.g alcoholic friend crying to me over problems weekly, asking for favors and then going on tirades when drunk and being verbally abusive. I realized I had become an enabler and distanced myself.) Over time when I have dealt with enough of this type of stuff I decided my husband is the best friend who doesn't hurt me or use me and he is the person I trust and give my all too. I have female friends/acquaintances, but not close friends because I don't have much to give anymore. One of my kids has SN. My parents ae having aging issues, etc.

Recently, I decided I shouldn't see friendship as a drain and I allowed someone to get closer and as soon as I did that it went from pleasant, but distant to her asking for major favors. She's not ill or in a dire situation. She just suddenly felt comfortable enough to ask me to do things for her and now I don't want to deal with her at all and I wish I had not let my guard down. I have to say "no" and if I had not given her chance I would not have to feel like a bitch.

Anyone else find female friendships too draining to deal.


I think the bolded part explains a lot. If saying no to someone asking a huge favor of you makes you feel like a bitch, then you have issues with boundaries and saying no. And people who cannot maintain boundaries tend to attract people who don't respect boundaries and who demand a lot. What I am saying is that I think you are attracting, and having issues with, a particular subset of the population. I do not think that your experience is typical.

I think your choices are to restrict yourself to a very small social circle or to work on learning to assert yourself. I was raised by a mom who thought she could never say no to any request, and I was raised to (1) rarely ask for anything, because asking is essentially a demand, and (2) never say no. So I get where you are coming from. This is something I have worked on in therapy a lot, and while it is still uncomfortable for me to ask for help or to say no, I can now do it with just a twinge of discomfort and then move on. And I have learned to spot the people who don't respect boundaries and keep my distance from them.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 21:02     Subject: Re:This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I had to distance myself from friends and family because I just can't take on everyone else's problems but my own right now. Not that my problems ever mattered to anyone considering no one ever asked.

My husband is my best friend, my only friend, the one person in this world I trust more than anyone else. I need him and no one else.


That is NOT healthy, and it's not going to end well.



I beg to differ. We have been together for 3 decades.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 21:00     Subject: Re:This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:If you attract this many dysfunctional friendships, I think you should consider whether the problem is you, and not women in general. I'm sure you can rationally appreciate that not every woman is an alcoholic, and not every woman is a rampant taker who gives nothing in return. After all, you appear to be a woman, but I assume you don't think of yourself as an alcoholic or someone who only takes and never gives, so what makes you the magic exception?


+1. I am not particularly social or good with relationships, and I haven't had problems like this since college years. In college, I had friends who took advantage of me. When I realized what was happening, I learned the signs and now keep those types of people as casual acquaintances only.

Like the earlier poster, definitely nothing wrong with having your DH as your best friend, but saying all friendships are unbalanced is not true.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 20:44     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
OP, between the SN child and aging parents, you are probably exhausted. Do you think respite care for your SN child would help? How about a home health care worker for your parents or a community group like Iona House in NW or Georgetown Village?

It sounds like you could also use a support group for parents of SN kids and/or children of aging parents.

Above all, forgive yourself. When you're ready, you'll find BFFs again. Right now, go with keeping it light and doing things for yourself and friends as needed. Your plate is already full to overflowing.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 20:33     Subject: Re:This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
OP, hate to say this, but I think its you. There is a reason you draw certain people to you and reason you are so off put by favors, esp. if you won't even specify what they are. I have a feeling it might be so benign that you realize revealing might make everyone realize you are off in some way
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 19:58     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:OP, what are the favors being requested? You mention at least two friends asking for too many favors, so I wonder if maybe you have an unusually low tolerance for requests for help?

Nothing wrong with your husband being your best friend. Mine is! But i think it's healthy for both of us to have other friends as well. I don't have a ton, but I have a couple close girl friends. And the good news is they're not crazy or demanding or anything, so normal women are out there.[/quote]

OP here. Glad to know those people exist.

I definitely have a lower tolerance or requests than I used to, but if someone had a tough situation like going through chemo/ill spouse/messy divorce I would be open to helping in whatever way I could handle and I would not consider requests unreasonable at all. Don't want to share much about the current situation b/c you never know who is on here.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 19:50     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:It's not easy. I've found myself distancing from former BFFs on a few occasions. Instead of close frienships, I've found a friendly distance is the best way to keep off gossip, competitiveness and petty jealousy.

OTOH, sometimes, you're better off alone, but other times just a pal to have a cup of coffee with to discuss good books would be ideal. Finding a middle ground remains a challenge.



OP here. Agree completely.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 19:49     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
A friend recently lost her husband suddenly. He was in his 40's and died in his sleep. Her friends were there for her. What would you do if this happened to you? I think it's dangerous to rely solely on one person for all of your emotional needs.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2015 19:48     Subject: This is why I keep some difference and just consider my husband my best friend
Anonymous wrote:Hey OP I am dealing with the same thing, only my DH recently (during an argument) told me that I have no friends and don't like anyone. Sad thing is, that's a true statement. Still hurts though.

I too have ended close relationships with female friends. So much so that I'm down to one close friend. I know what you mean about seeing friendship as a drain - I've struggled with this for years.

I tend to be a terrible friend. I am so independent that I truly think I'm happiest alone. keeping in close touch with friends feels burdensome and I tend to have "ghosted" so many friends over the years...I suddenly felt overwhelmed by the relationship, the person's annoying qualities or they did something to hurt me, directly or indirectly.

Female friendships are grueling. Even quit a book club because I couldn't stand the gossip and general nastiness. There went six friends. Quit returning calls from a former close friend because she was super critical and judgmental and took it upon herself to discipline my young child...in front of me.

I'm not perfect but wonder if I'll ever have friends. It shouldn't be this tough.


OP here. OUCH. I hope he apologized. That would hurt me too and also be true for me too