Reply to Mom wants to get back together with abusive father

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.  You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother. [/quote]

That's so funny.  That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person.  And she raised me to be a feminist.  Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

[/quote]

She might have been abused as a child. Have you ever asked her about her childhood?[/quote]

This was my thought as well , especially since she befriended her rapist.  She honestly doesn't believe she deserves better than being abused. Sad situation all around for op and her mom.[/quote]

I have gotten a lot closer to my grandmother recently and now I can say that it was very dysfunctional.  I'm not quite sure whether it would qualify as full abuse, but total emotional neglect.  Her mother likes to constantly stay "I wish I never had children- it was the worst mistake I ever made".  My grandmother's mother died in childbirth, then her father died 5 years later.  My mother loved her stepmother and called her "mama" and then one day her stepmother put her on a train and said she would see her in two weeks.  It was the last she ever saw her- she sent her to live with her siblings, who basically neglected and resented her.  Because of that, my grandmother is kind of locked in this perpetual childlike state- and prone to emotional outbursts alternating with being extremely distant and neglectful.

So I understand a lot about why my mom has such low self esteem. I guess it's been a generational thing, and I am grateful to my mom for at least trying to get out of her situation and instilling me with a lot of self esteem and love. [/quote]

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