Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

What???

OP told us what her father is--an abusive asshole. Nothing hard to understand about that. Just stay far away from it.

It's the inner workings of her MOM that she needs a book to understand, because her MOM is the person she has to deal with.

Your mother is normal.

When her man treats her like shit, even to the point of physical abuse, it turns her on both sexually and emotionally.

You don't want to admit that to yourself. This abusive father of yours is a sexual turn on to your mom.

You yourself were probably conceived during make-up sex after one of his beat-downs of your mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

That's your myth of what your mother is. There are a million reasons why you are a feminist that may have little to do with her. You need to see her issues as SEPARATE from you. I'm sorry for yelling but enmeshed people don't understand the concept of boundaries. Her mess does not belong to you.

You have no control over your mother's behavior and feelings. Screw being understanding. She is who she is which is a deeply flawed person who stayed with a violent person to the detriment of her children. Snap out of your dreaminess about her. Great, she has wonderful parts but overall... It's normal to be sad and grieve for the mother that she should have been to you.

For your own safety, security, and well being, consider setting rules with her. You are not interested in hearing about him. Shut her down if she talks about him. Let her know you will not listen to the problems he brings to her life. Make it cut and dried and follow through. Why roll around in this mess with her?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

She might have been abused as a child. Have you ever asked her about her childhood?

This was my thought as well , especially since she befriended her rapist. She honestly doesn't believe she deserves better than being abused. Sad situation all around for op and her mom.

I have gotten a lot closer to my grandmother recently and now I can say that it was very dysfunctional. I'm not quite sure whether it would qualify as full abuse, but total emotional neglect. Her mother likes to constantly stay "I wish I never had children- it was the worst mistake I ever made". My grandmother's mother died in childbirth, then her father died 5 years later. My mother loved her stepmother and called her "mama" and then one day her stepmother put her on a train and said she would see her in two weeks. It was the last she ever saw her- she sent her to live with her siblings, who basically neglected and resented her. Because of that, my grandmother is kind of locked in this perpetual childlike state- and prone to emotional outbursts alternating with being extremely distant and neglectful.

So I understand a lot about why my mom has such low self esteem. I guess it's been a generational thing, and I am grateful to my mom for at least trying to get out of her situation and instilling me with a lot of self esteem and love.

Could she be suffering from PTSD and repetition compulsion (the tendency of a traumatized person to repeat/relive the trauma to try to resolve it)?

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

She might have been abused as a child. Have you ever asked her about her childhood?

This was my thought as well , especially since she befriended her rapist. She honestly doesn't believe she deserves better than being abused. Sad situation all around for op and her mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

She might have been abused as a child. Have you ever asked her about her childhood?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the advice. My mom is very flattered by the attention, I think.

There was also an incident right after my mom seperated from my dad where she started dating this dude that was an assistant coach on my little brother's soccer team.

We all got weird vibes from him, and were really firm with her about how much we disliked him.

I guess one of my siblings found a kind of sexual card he had sent her, and she later admitted to all of us that she knew him from years back (before she met my father) and he had raped her.

I am starting to realize my mom is deeply dysfunctional and I dont know whether to bring this up to her in some attempt to fix it (which i know will cause an argument) or just let her live her life and keep exposing herself to these sickos.

it just makes me feel so creeped out, so icky- so grossed out on such a deep level, that she keeps choosing these kinds of men. I feel so deeply disappointed- yesterday's conversation crystallized it for me.

My gosh OP, my heart just goes out to you. I guess you found out that your mom is just as disturbed as your dad, she just isn't acting out. However, her passivity was just as bad, she should have protected her children. She almost brought a rapist into their lives after she had a violent abusive person there.

I agree that you can't concentrate on understanding this, the very notion that you don't understand it shows how healthy you are. It is unfathomable.

Good luck to you. If you aren't in therapy I would urge you to get some, just to get some validation of the craziness that you have endured. Big hugs to you.

Thank you, big hug back to you.

I am trying to get in therapy. I know I need to. I hate to dreg all these issues up, they're very painful. But I know I need to work through them anyway

I want to give you, your siblings, and your mom a big hug.

I feel for you and your siblings OP, I do. No one should have to grow up being abused or witnessing abuse.

I feel for your mother too. I don't think she is horrible and evil, I think she is someone who has been hurt repeatedly and has yet to properly heal. My guess she was abused as a child, and she doesn't really believe in her heart that she is worthy of someone treating her with the love, respect, and kindness she deserves.
You are absolutely within your rights to want no contact with your father.
You are absolutely within your rights to limit your conversations with your mom about them.
It's completely reasonable for you to be sick over the thought of being with him.
But remember she is a victim as well. Nobody likes being abused as some posters have said or implied. Nobody.
Being a victim of abuse has nothing to do with how smart you are or how strong you are or how much of a feminist you are
You will never completely understand because you are not in her shoes.
My advice to her is continue to love her and be supportive of her as a person you can do that and not support her relationship with her abuser.
Trust me when I say she needs to hear you, love care and concern more than your disgust for the relationship.
OP, I wish you the best as you continue to heal, you and your mom and the rest of your family will be in my thoughts.

Perhaps she enjoys the chaos and abuse? Most people do what they enjoy.

OP, this is probably going to offend some people but I'm going to risk that because this was so helpful to me.

Years ago when I was in therapy I was trying so hard to understand "why" my mother did the things she did. My therapist asked me if I knew of a character named Benny from L.A. Law, he was an intellectually disabled man who worked in the mailroom on the show. I said I did and he said "think of your mother like Benny. She isn't being obstinate or malicious, she's just incapable".

I found that helpful and I hope you do too.

I don't understand my mother either, OP.

She says and does things that are both highly irritating and unfathomable. Yet, I love her. She is also intelligent, albeit reactive and emotional. She also gets hysterical when confronted about anything. She also has *her* version of reality, and a selective memory.

So my solution is to limit contact. We phone each other once a week, but I see her once a year. Over the phone I feel safer, because I can invent an excuse to get off the phone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

I didn't say you should read the book to enable your mom to continue abusive relationships; I meant that you need to understand what your mother is up against and try to help her avoid such relationships.

The thing is, I have always done that and I dont think it's healthy for me. At this point, she has read that book, been in years of therapy, and she is still doing this. It's so unbelievably stressful for me to worry about her in that way and part of me wonders if she enjoys that worried attention, to be honest

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

I didn't say you should read the book to enable your mom to continue abusive relationships; I meant that you need to understand what your mother is up against and try to help her avoid such relationships.

Anonymous wrote:Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.

That's so funny. That's the book my mom keeps trying to get me to read.

I usually can be understanding of my mom, but when she does this stuff it just plunges me back into such a state of trauma.

I will try to be understanding though. I dont know how to explain- she is a genuinely good, highly intelligent person. And she raised me to be a feminist. Which is why i think I find this so baffling.

Read "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You must understand the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship with a man before judging your mother.