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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks for all the advice.  My mom is very flattered by the attention, I think.

There was also an incident right after my mom seperated from my dad where she started dating this dude that was an assistant coach on my little brother's soccer team.

We all got weird vibes from him, and were really firm with her about how much we disliked him.

I guess one of my siblings found a kind of sexual card he had sent her, and she later admitted to all of us that she knew him from years back (before she met my father) and he had raped her.

I am starting to realize my mom is deeply dysfunctional and I dont know whether to bring this up to her in some attempt to fix it (which i know will cause an argument) or just let her live her life and keep exposing herself to these sickos.

it just makes me feel so creeped out, so icky- so grossed out on such a deep level, that she keeps choosing these kinds of men.  I feel so deeply disappointed- yesterday's conversation crystallized it for me. [/quote]

My gosh OP, my heart just goes out to you.  I guess you found out that your mom is just as disturbed as your dad, she just isn't acting out.  However, her passivity was just as bad, she should have protected her children.  She almost brought a rapist into their lives after she had a violent abusive person there.

I agree that you can't concentrate on understanding this, the very notion that you don't understand it shows how healthy you are.  It is unfathomable.

Good luck to you.  If you aren't in therapy I would urge you to get some, just to get some validation of the craziness that you have endured.  Big hugs to you.[/quote]

Thank you, big hug back to you.

I am trying to get in therapy.  I know I need to.  I hate to dreg all these issues up, they're very painful.  But I know I need to work through them anyway [/quote]

I want to give you, your siblings, and your mom a big hug.

I feel for you  and your siblings OP, I do. No one should have to grow up being abused or witnessing abuse.

I feel for your mother too. I don't think she is horrible and evil, I think she is someone who has been hurt repeatedly and has yet to properly heal. My guess she was abused as a child, and she doesn't really believe in her heart that she is worthy of someone treating her with the love, respect, and kindness she deserves.
You are absolutely within your rights to want no contact with your father.
You are absolutely within your rights to limit your conversations with your mom about them.
It's completely reasonable for you to be sick over the thought of being with him.
But remember she is a victim as well. Nobody likes being abused as some posters have said or implied. Nobody.
Being a victim of abuse has nothing to do with how smart you are or how strong you are or how much of a feminist you are
You will never completely understand because you are not in her shoes.
My advice to her is continue to love her and be supportive of her as a person  you can do that and not support her relationship with her abuser.
Trust me when I say she needs to hear you, love care and concern more than your disgust for the relationship.
OP, I wish you the best as you continue to heal,  you  and your mom and the rest of your family will be in my thoughts.[/quote]

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