Reply to I am considering becoming estranged from my parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. Thanks to all of you.  I think several of you hit the nail on the head when you observed that I am already pretty much estranged from my parents.  The idea I was considering was making it a formal and explicit estrangement, which I honestly don't consider to be the best course for many reasons (one of which being that the estrangement would be yet another strike against me in their eyes).

Therapy is a great idea, and I hope to get it sometime soon.

It was very validating for me to hear from those of you who believe my parents' actions were inappropriate.  One technique that they have continually employed with me is "gas lighting" -- rather than owning up to their bad behavior, they always turn it back around on me as though I am just being oversensitive, crazy, or even malicious.  [/quote]

OP, I have grown up in a family with an emotionally abusive mother and a good father, but one who didn't understand enough to protect me.  And yet, I can also recognize that despite the emotional abuse, my mom loves me in her own way and has been tremendously supportive at times.  My brother formally cut himself off from my parents, which has been very painful for all of us.  I have two children and am divorced from their mentally ill dad.  If I had a parent who engaged in ongoing sexual or physical violence, then I would consider estrangement, but, IMO, short of that, estrangement is a horrible example to set.  I want my kids to learn to deal with people by varying their interactions, not just making a black/white on/off decision.  We are beset in life by people who don't love us the way we want to be loved, don't treat us the way we want to be treated, etc.  Sometimes they are parents, sometimes they are lovers, friends, colleagues, etc.  IMO, it is better to learn to deal with this by thinking about what the person is doing and why, recognizing what can and can't be changed, recognizing how one's own needs can get met or where else to go to get those needs met, and learning to communicate in a clear non-hostile non-dramatic way and learning to set reasonable boundaries, etc.

I have chosen to take what has been given by my parents, and set up boundaries for the rest.    IMO, I don't think estrangement is the answer, except in pretty narrow circumstances.  [/quote]

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