Reply to Vent - I hate talking to my dad

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi OP. I have a different perspective for you- not better, just different. My father was also from Hungary. He came to the US as a political refugee after escaping through Austria (he was a scholar, and the government made it clear that he would not be permitted to leave freely). His experiences were so traumatic that he never discussed them with me- ever. He never taught me Hungarian because he wanted no reminders of what he had been through. The only Hungarian history I learned was on visits there with family who took me to monuments, etc and explained what they meant.
 
My dad was a complex, isolated, paranoid person until he died. I was his best friend. When I did learn some of the things he had been through (on his deathbed, from his sister as she spoke with him) I understood him more fully and wished I had known those things about him before, and what he had gone through.

I guess what I'm saying is: try very hard to appreciate your dad and what he's come through, while ignoring the noise. Try not to let the extra stuff impact your relationship. It's a rough history- Budapest was destroyed and rebuilt 11 times, and so were other areas. I have family who also feel like Hungarian history is ignored/ not discussed because it's such a small country. Maybe you can reach a peace accord- we discuss _____ when only family is around, or ___ members of family who are good at diverting him, or something?

Thanks for reading, anyone who read- it just felt good to type all that out. :)[/quote]

Thank you, PP, for that excellent perspective.  My dad is a good man.  He wasn't the best husband to my mom (largely because of his extremism) but he was a good father, and now I think he's found his true calling as a grandpa. There's an old saying that true love doesn't come until the first grandchild is born, and I think that applies to him.  I will do my best to focus on his good qualities and ignore the noise.

Such an interesting and sad story about your dad.  Did he leave Hungary during the 1956 revolution, or before?  My dad was only 17 years old and a student during the revolution.  He escaped into Yugoslavia in the late 1960s but was caught, so later on he tried again and made it to Italy, and from there he came to the U.S. and made arrangements for my mom to follow him.  They pretty much isolated themselves in the Hungarian community and never really assimilated.  My mom's boyfriend was in his mid 20s and he was directly involved in the revolution, and he had to escape Hungary after the revolution ended because they were looking for him.  He would have been executed if he stayed.  So he came to the U.S., was married to a Polish woman for over 40 years, had two children (who don't speak Hungarian) and ran a successful business.  He doesn't talk much about his experiences either.  In contrast to my dad, he is completely assimilated, never really associated with any Hungarians here until recently, and doesn't hold the extreme views that my dad holds. When his wife passed away from cancer, he mourned her for several years and then ventured out to the Hungarian social club where he met my mom.  He is the polar opposite of my dad and my mom has finally found happiness!   :) [/quote]

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