Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I have a different perspective for you- not better, just different. My father was also from Hungary. He came to the US as a political refugee after escaping through Austria (he was a scholar, and the government made it clear that he would not be permitted to leave freely). His experiences were so traumatic that he never discussed them with me- ever. He never taught me Hungarian because he wanted no reminders of what he had been through. The only Hungarian history I learned was on visits there with family who took me to monuments, etc and explained what they meant.

My dad was a complex, isolated, paranoid person until he died. I was his best friend. When I did learn some of the things he had been through (on his deathbed, from his sister as she spoke with him) I understood him more fully and wished I had known those things about him before, and what he had gone through.

I guess what I'm saying is: try very hard to appreciate your dad and what he's come through, while ignoring the noise. Try not to let the extra stuff impact your relationship. It's a rough history- Budapest was destroyed and rebuilt 11 times, and so were other areas. I have family who also feel like Hungarian history is ignored/ not discussed because it's such a small country. Maybe you can reach a peace accord- we discuss _____ when only family is around, or ___ members of family who are good at diverting him, or something?

Thanks for reading, anyone who read- it just felt good to type all that out.

Thank you, PP, for that excellent perspective. My dad is a good man. He wasn't the best husband to my mom (largely because of his extremism) but he was a good father, and now I think he's found his true calling as a grandpa. There's an old saying that true love doesn't come until the first grandchild is born, and I think that applies to him. I will do my best to focus on his good qualities and ignore the noise.

Such an interesting and sad story about your dad. Did he leave Hungary during the 1956 revolution, or before? My dad was only 17 years old and a student during the revolution. He escaped into Yugoslavia in the late 1960s but was caught, so later on he tried again and made it to Italy, and from there he came to the U.S. and made arrangements for my mom to follow him. They pretty much isolated themselves in the Hungarian community and never really assimilated. My mom's boyfriend was in his mid 20s and he was directly involved in the revolution, and he had to escape Hungary after the revolution ended because they were looking for him. He would have been executed if he stayed. So he came to the U.S., was married to a Polish woman for over 40 years, had two children (who don't speak Hungarian) and ran a successful business. He doesn't talk much about his experiences either. In contrast to my dad, he is completely assimilated, never really associated with any Hungarians here until recently, and doesn't hold the extreme views that my dad holds. When his wife passed away from cancer, he mourned her for several years and then ventured out to the Hungarian social club where he met my mom. He is the polar opposite of my dad and my mom has finally found happiness!

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I have a different perspective for you- not better, just different. My father was also from Hungary. He came to the US as a political refugee after escaping through Austria (he was a scholar, and the government made it clear that he would not be permitted to leave freely). His experiences were so traumatic that he never discussed them with me- ever. He never taught me Hungarian because he wanted no reminders of what he had been through. The only Hungarian history I learned was on visits there with family who took me to monuments, etc and explained what they meant.

My dad was a complex, isolated, paranoid person until he died. I was his best friend. When I did learn some of the things he had been through (on his deathbed, from his sister as she spoke with him) I understood him more fully and wished I had known those things about him before, and what he had gone through.

I guess what I'm saying is: try very hard to appreciate your dad and what he's come through, while ignoring the noise. Try not to let the extra stuff impact your relationship. It's a rough history- Budapest was destroyed and rebuilt 11 times, and so were other areas. I have family who also feel like Hungarian history is ignored/ not discussed because it's such a small country. Maybe you can reach a peace accord- we discuss _____ when only family is around, or ___ members of family who are good at diverting him, or something?

Thanks for reading, anyone who read- it just felt good to type all that out.

Anonymous wrote:He's always been very passionate and nationalistic, and the Hungarian national character is known to be pretty pessimistic and melancholy (hence the rate of suicide and alcohol abuse in Hungary). But as he's gotten older, and more Internet-savvy, he's had more time to read his right-wing conspiracy theory websites and blogs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not made up. Hungarian and Mongolian are linguistically somilar languages because Genghis came through there and raped and pillaged.

The Mongols did come through in the 13th century and basically burned everything to the ground. One of the many tragedies to befall the great Hungarian nation, as my dad would say. Along with the Turkish occupation, the 1848 revolution (which they lost), two world wars (on the losing side for both), Communism, and the 1956 revolution (also lost). I swear, the Hungarian national anthem is like a funeral dirge. Most countries have uplifting national anthems - Hungary's anthem tells of the suffering of the nation. Hence the melancholy and pessimism!

So this sums it up. Interesting reading this because growing up we had an elderly Hungarian neighbor who was a negative nelly. As a high schooler, walking my dog we'd stop and chat and walk together for a while and the whole convo was complaints and 'I noticed this bad thing...' kind of stream of conscious... he was just so sullen and miserable and he seemed to hate and be offended by everything. He'd even turn the conversation to my dog to find problems but my dog ignored him... He liked my old English sheepdog because he reminded him of a Komondor (Hungarian sheepdog)...then I'd go home and feel 70 years older than I did when I started the walk. Anyway, my parents told me that the older generation who knew him, my grandfather who had worked with him said that his mantra about everything was "ISSS NOOO F*CKING GOOOOOD!!" Ever after I was told this I noticed that he would say "Isss nooo ff ff ff...... GOOD!!" to me, and it became a catchphrase in my house whenever something was broken/needing to be fixed/done.

Anyway, the world takes all types, even the cranksters and I just wanted to say that it's refreshing to even be that cranky and to not be a boastful person. Of all the neighbours I'd run into, he was one of the few who talk to me like an adult and didn't shine up his philosophy for me. He never bragged. Something about certain cultures will complain rather than boast, and it's almost a protection against bad things happening if you don't talk about the good, if you understand. Like if you keep complaining the sky will fall, the most important things will be kept safe. I just nodded my head and listened along and found him interesting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not made up. Hungarian and Mongolian are linguistically somilar languages because Genghis came through there and raped and pillaged.

The Mongols did come through in the 13th century and basically burned everything to the ground. One of the many tragedies to befall the great Hungarian nation, as my dad would say. Along with the Turkish occupation, the 1848 revolution (which they lost), two world wars (on the losing side for both), Communism, and the 1956 revolution (also lost). I swear, the Hungarian national anthem is like a funeral dirge. Most countries have uplifting national anthems - Hungary's anthem tells of the suffering of the nation. Hence the melancholy and pessimism!

Anonymous wrote:This is a terrible thing to have to experience. I do think a lot of this is a product of age and lack of back and forth interaction (that one may get from a spouse). MIL isn't beligerent, but has almost no interest in your opinions or positions. Asks questions, but never bothers to listen to an answer and CONSTANTLY repeats the same information. Oh, and she talks to us like we don't know anyone else in the family, 'Well you know Bob and (BIL) his wife, Dottie (SIL), they just moved. Yes, we were just at their house two weeks ago... Why wouldn't we know their names????

And she's been tested for dementia and Alzheimer's.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You have my sympathies. I know how you feel. It seems like your father is very set in his ways and views a lot of things through the lens of his Hungarian background. While my dad doesn't have political conspiracy theories, my parents also came to the States from another country. Ever since my mom passed away some 14 years ago, I've dreaded talking to my dad as well. He also is a pessimist, and every conversation generally revolves around how much pity we should have for him because of all the things he must endure. Ironically, he's in the top income bracket for his country and has really good health, so I'm not sure how much more he is looking to get from life. It's really exhausting, particularly because it feels so one-sided to have to show interest in his life when he doesn't show much in his grandkids, etc.

I know there is no solution for this. Just know that I understand what you mean.

Anonymous wrote:It's not made up. Hungarian and Mongolian are linguistically somilar languages because Genghis came through there and raped and pillaged.