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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I didn't want to post it, because I don't want it to be identifying, but my dad is not doing well.  It would hurt him a lot if I cut ties with her....so I'm waiting.[/quote]

Stop with the excuses. The sooner you cut her off, the stronger you'll be to take care of your dad. You'll be happier and a be a better daughter to him. And I'm sure he is a nice guy and I'm sorry he isn't doing well, but why are you so worried about someone who hasn't protected you from your toxic mother? This didn't just start recently. My guess is that your mother has been treating you like this your whole life. Why didn't your dad leave her? Why was the toxic behavior allowed to continue? You can still be a good daughter to him AND cut her off.

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I can't take care of my dad.  I can't even see him.  They aren't local, and even the airfare strains out finances.  If I can't stay at their house, I simply can't afford to visit.

To another PP, she's wonderful with my children.  Loves them, spoils them.

And yes, when I confront her, she calls me a bitch.[/quote]

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. Unlike some other posters here, I'm not going to trash your father for not leaving her, or you for not being able to magically cut off one parent while still seeing the other under the same roof. We do not have any idea what your dad and mom's relationship was or is; and for all you or we know, if you cut off your mom entirely, she will then deny you any access to your father at all, especially as you don't live anywhere near them, so you cannot do things like meet him somewhere outside their home. Unfortunately if he is not well, she may have some control over whether or not you can see him. And only YOU know whether you resent him for staying with her; it's not up to us to criticize that.

Is there ANY way you can find money to go to see him but stay in a hotel? No other relatives at all in that area with whom you could stay even briefly? [i]Anything[/i] you and DH can sacrifice in the short term (especially if you believe, as you seem to, that dad won't be around much longer) to find money to see them and not stay in their home? You could do it more cheaply if you go alone. I know your mom has said it's not worthwhile unless you bring your kids, but don't briing them next time. Tell her you are coming to see your dad, as their adult child; the visit is not a grandkid visit. Sadly that may deny your dad another chance to see the grandkids but frankly -- you need to spend time with him as parent and adult child, not always with grandkids there. Your mom will hate it. That's why you take the money you save on air fares for kids and husband, and put it toward a hotel for YOU.

You say she loves and spoils the grandkids. I don't know how old they are now, but if she lives on and keeps saying crap about you to DH, they absolutely are going to pick up eventually on the idea that grandma hates mom, and has zero respect for mom. Do you want them getting that message? Do you want to work to have to counter her influence as she spoils them? Your mother has done nothing to earn your letting her see them. Nothing. "Loving" them and "spoiling" them does not give her a pass on respecting you. Do not, do not tell her "I am now cutting the kids off from you" -- she will go nuts and be much worse to you and probably cut you off from your dad. Say the kids are too busy and you want to see your own parents alone. Do not over-explain anything or give her excuses or reasons. Just say you are coming, will stay in a hotel, and then see your dad every second you can.

Someone else asked this too: What did your DH say in response to her statements to him? Why did she tell him these things? (I find it hard to believe she would actually say that to her son-in-law unless she wanted it to get back to you, and it did. Why did he report it to you?). Do you feel he has your back?

One very beneficial thing: At least she lives a long way from you. Be glad that she is not in the same town and able to demand that you bring the grandkids over for babysitting, or show up on your doorstep being bitchy and demanding.

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