Anonymous wrote:If your mother has been this way for most, or all, of your life, and you are the only one that gets this kind of abuse, there is something related to you. Not saying it is your responsibility or doing, but I am curious what it might be.

As for your husband, her intimidating him isn't helping you. If he got a pair and stood up for you and laid down the law as to acceptable behavior towards you and in front of your children it just might have curtailed a lot of this. Because he hasn't done so, he is now a part of the problem.

Crazy family dynamics do not change on their own....action must be taken.

I'm the PP below you who has a mom similar to OP. My mom admitted throughout the course of her treatment with a therapist (she has a lot of issues) that she would often "come gunning for me". It was a mix of 1. Knowing I would get upset which gave her more ammo to work with and 2. She wanted me to be a certain way that she thought was perfect and right. I'm the only daughter. She couldn't accept that there was a different way I wanted to live my life and it was OK not to be exactly like her.

It's a lot more involved but it made a lot of sense once she was able to work out why she only attacked me and not my brother.

STOP SHARING!
Seriously, I have a friend who goes on and on about how expensive everything is and how broke they are. And then she books a vacation to Europe with first class plane tickets. I've finally told her to either stop complaining how they "are so broke" or stop talking about vacations

No need to tell her you're constantly sick. either.

Look, I get it. I have a mom who used to be like that (I finally told her if she didn't get therapy I was cutting her out of my life). My therapist kept stating over and over again that I had to set boundaries, which meant not oversharing with my mom. She couldn't call me a selfish/horrible mom if I didn't tell her that DS was spending the night with a babysitter and DH and I were going away.

If you're not ready to cut her off, fine, I get it. But you do have some control here and whether or not you can assert that control without the help of a therapist is up to you to decide.

If your mother has been this way for most, or all, of your life, and you are the only one that gets this kind of abuse, there is something related to you. Not saying it is your responsibility or doing, but I am curious what it might be.

As for your husband, her intimidating him isn't helping you. If he got a pair and stood up for you and laid down the law as to acceptable behavior towards you and in front of your children it just might have curtailed a lot of this. Because he hasn't done so, he is now a part of the problem.

Crazy family dynamics do not change on their own....action must be taken.

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know where to begin. How about just a list of the things she's told me in the past week?

1. I need to see a doctor because I keep getting colds. And that if I won't take her advice on that, not to talk to her.
2. I shouldn't be spending money on vacation because I complain how much childcare costs.
3. I'm one of the stupidest people she's ever met (ok, she told DH that about me).
4. If I don't bring my child, I might as well not even come visit.
5. I'm "crazy".
6. She knew I'd be a bad mother.

I am pretty sure she's the cause of my low self-esteem since none of this is new, but for various reasons, I simply can't cut her off. I'd love to, and maybe in a few years.....

Any advice on dealing with toxic people like this?

Your mother has a personality disorder and is mentally ill. Not sure what from the little you wrote, but the abuse screams something aint right with your mom. First step- do not internalize anything she says. You can "listen", but do not validate it at all. Decide if you want a relationship and if you do, just know you'll have to put most of / all of what she says into a little box that you shove into a closet somewhere.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you are an idiot.

LOL. Do you really think you're any better than my mother? Even I can see that you're the same kind of bully.

But I have no effect on your kids. Think about it.

If you can't see the difference between standing up to your mother and standing up to an anonymous stranger on the internet.....

PP, you're right. I keep trying to have a close relationship, but I know that ship sailed a long time ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But you are an idiot.

LOL. Do you really think you're any better than my mother? Even I can see that you're the same kind of bully.

But I have no effect on your kids. Think about it.

OP, you really need to step away from sharing any details with your mother. I'm glad you live far away from her. I would definitely not call again when you are feeling unwell, and do not complain about anything (childcare costs, work, etc.) Everything is perfect, mom!


Try to call when your mom is out and only talk to your Dad.

Anonymous wrote:

But you are an idiot.

LOL. Do you really think you're any better than my mother? Even I can see that you're the same kind of bully.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want to post it, because I don't want it to be identifying, but my dad is not doing well. It would hurt him a lot if I cut ties with her....so I'm waiting.

Stop with the excuses. The sooner you cut her off, the stronger you'll be to take care of your dad. You'll be happier and a be a better daughter to him. And I'm sure he is a nice guy and I'm sorry he isn't doing well, but why are you so worried about someone who hasn't protected you from your toxic mother? This didn't just start recently. My guess is that your mother has been treating you like this your whole life. Why didn't your dad leave her? Why was the toxic behavior allowed to continue? You can still be a good daughter to him AND cut her off.

I can't take care of my dad. I can't even see him. They aren't local, and even the airfare strains out finances. If I can't stay at their house, I simply can't afford to visit.

To another PP, she's wonderful with my children. Loves them, spoils them.

And yes, when I confront her, she calls me a bitch.

Hang in there. Breathe.

Your dad is "not doing well." Stick with it until he dies. Then cut her off.

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know where to begin. How about just a list of the things she's told me in the past week?

1. I need to see a doctor because I keep getting colds. And that if I won't take her advice on that, not to talk to her.
2. I shouldn't be spending money on vacation because I complain how much childcare costs.
3. I'm one of the stupidest people she's ever met (ok, she told DH that about me).
4. If I don't bring my child, I might as well not even come visit.
5. I'm "crazy".
6. She knew I'd be a bad mother.

I am pretty sure she's the cause of my low self-esteem since none of this is new, but for various reasons, I simply can't cut her off. I'd love to, and maybe in a few years.....

Any advice on dealing with toxic people like this?

Therapy would help.

If you want to do some self-help, start by reading "Toxic Parents" and "Mothers who Can't Love" by Susan Forward.

Come over to Reddit and read the Raised by Narcissists subreddit. You'll see a lot of people with moms like you. It will help you understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, do you lack common sense? Because that's frustrating as a parent to deal with in a child. other people are far more forgiving of this because they don't deal with it on a continual basis.

I am not being mean but you need to consider that you might possibly. I have a good friend. She is brilliant and very book smart but she lacks quite a bit of everyday common sense. She knows it and acknowledges it. It is frustrating at times to be her friend and I see her family get very frustrated as well.

I am socially inept. Instead of seeing it as a personality quirk, which I and my husband believe it is, she thinks I am mentally ill. But she also thinks I'm mentally ill because I won't go to the doctor when I have a runny nose and sore throat. If that's lacking common sense, then I guess I do lack it.

And PP, you're not a good person. You realize you just can't go around calling people idiots, right? Remember, socially inept, and even I get that.

But you are an idiot. One person in this world trashes you mercilessly and you expose your entire family to it. She spoils your kids and is oh so good to them? That means nothing in the light of how she views and treats you, their mother.

You want to see your dad, fine. But why do you have so much interaction with your mother? How about arranging a time to visit your father and then do it and get out. Why does your mom know so much about your life? Why does she have so much in with the people you supposedly hold dearest? She is a monster and you're giving her the key to the house, so to speak.

I think she is resentful. The stupid comment came right after I finished grad school, but was having trouble getting the baby to bed one night. Guess who only has a bachelors degree? Yep. When she told DH that, he said he just stared at her - then went to help me with the baby. He certainly didn't know what to say, and she intimidates him (his words).

Maybe I can get my dad to visit. He's not elderly, and can travel, just is....aging and has some health problems. They freak me out.

I'm also in counseling for PPD and need to bring some of this stuff up.

I think you might be oversharing about your problems or your mom simply isn't the supportive type and looks to find fault. Is she resentful of you for some reason?

Bottom line is that sort of criticism from a parent can wreck your day and even knock you down for longer than that if you let it. You need to limit these conversations and not over share or unload on your mom. She is not supportive! Know that about her.

Anonymous wrote:Well, do you lack common sense? Because that's frustrating as a parent to deal with in a child. other people are far more forgiving of this because they don't deal with it on a continual basis.

I am not being mean but you need to consider that you might possibly. I have a good friend. She is brilliant and very book smart but she lacks quite a bit of everyday common sense. She knows it and acknowledges it. It is frustrating at times to be her friend and I see her family get very frustrated as well.

I am socially inept. Instead of seeing it as a personality quirk, which I and my husband believe it is, she thinks I am mentally ill. But she also thinks I'm mentally ill because I won't go to the doctor when I have a runny nose and sore throat. If that's lacking common sense, then I guess I do lack it.

And PP, you're not a good person. You realize you just can't go around calling people idiots, right? Remember, socially inept, and even I get that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't want to post it, because I don't want it to be identifying, but my dad is not doing well. It would hurt him a lot if I cut ties with her....so I'm waiting.

Stop with the excuses. The sooner you cut her off, the stronger you'll be to take care of your dad. You'll be happier and a be a better daughter to him. And I'm sure he is a nice guy and I'm sorry he isn't doing well, but why are you so worried about someone who hasn't protected you from your toxic mother? This didn't just start recently. My guess is that your mother has been treating you like this your whole life. Why didn't your dad leave her? Why was the toxic behavior allowed to continue? You can still be a good daughter to him AND cut her off.

I can't take care of my dad. I can't even see him. They aren't local, and even the airfare strains out finances. If I can't stay at their house, I simply can't afford to visit.

To another PP, she's wonderful with my children. Loves them, spoils them.

And yes, when I confront her, she calls me a bitch.

OP, I'm sorry for your situation. Unlike some other posters here, I'm not going to trash your father for not leaving her, or you for not being able to magically cut off one parent while still seeing the other under the same roof. We do not have any idea what your dad and mom's relationship was or is; and for all you or we know, if you cut off your mom entirely, she will then deny you any access to your father at all, especially as you don't live anywhere near them, so you cannot do things like meet him somewhere outside their home. Unfortunately if he is not well, she may have some control over whether or not you can see him. And only YOU know whether you resent him for staying with her; it's not up to us to criticize that.

Is there ANY way you can find money to go to see him but stay in a hotel? No other relatives at all in that area with whom you could stay even briefly? Anything you and DH can sacrifice in the short term (especially if you believe, as you seem to, that dad won't be around much longer) to find money to see them and not stay in their home? You could do it more cheaply if you go alone. I know your mom has said it's not worthwhile unless you bring your kids, but don't briing them next time. Tell her you are coming to see your dad, as their adult child; the visit is not a grandkid visit. Sadly that may deny your dad another chance to see the grandkids but frankly -- you need to spend time with him as parent and adult child, not always with grandkids there. Your mom will hate it. That's why you take the money you save on air fares for kids and husband, and put it toward a hotel for YOU.

You say she loves and spoils the grandkids. I don't know how old they are now, but if she lives on and keeps saying crap about you to DH, they absolutely are going to pick up eventually on the idea that grandma hates mom, and has zero respect for mom. Do you want them getting that message? Do you want to work to have to counter her influence as she spoils them? Your mother has done nothing to earn your letting her see them. Nothing. "Loving" them and "spoiling" them does not give her a pass on respecting you. Do not, do not tell her "I am now cutting the kids off from you" -- she will go nuts and be much worse to you and probably cut you off from your dad. Say the kids are too busy and you want to see your own parents alone. Do not over-explain anything or give her excuses or reasons. Just say you are coming, will stay in a hotel, and then see your dad every second you can.

Someone else asked this too: What did your DH say in response to her statements to him? Why did she tell him these things? (I find it hard to believe she would actually say that to her son-in-law unless she wanted it to get back to you, and it did. Why did he report it to you?). Do you feel he has your back?

One very beneficial thing: At least she lives a long way from you. Be glad that she is not in the same town and able to demand that you bring the grandkids over for babysitting, or show up on your doorstep being bitchy and demanding.