Reply to Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?

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Reply to "Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. One of the PPs makes a good point about uprooting them from friends, etc., but in the case of my in-laws, their only remaining relationships in the area are with a hairdresser and another paid weekly service provider. FIL's friends have died; MIL never really had many friends and now has none. I am certain she suffers from, among other things, depression and anxiety. FIL is not in a position to help her get care for that. (She is a difficult person with a strong personality and he won't challenge her.)

I am willing to be the "bad guy" DIL in this situation, because they are in an unhealthy situation. FIL should not be providing this level of care to MIL. MIL will verbally abuse home health care workers unless someone else is to "blame" for the health care worker being there. Their home is dirty and cluttered to an unhealthy degree (it was so bad that I was truly uncomfortable with my children being in "her" space; I did stealth cleaning (picking up piles and cleaning underneath) and was overwhelmed by the accumulated grime. Her breathing is terrible and she attributes it to allergies; I can only imagine the impact the living situation is having on her. It is not just a convenience issue for US, but a health need for them.

Truth be told it is far easier on me to keep my in-laws far away and have no responsibilities with respect to their care. The logical part of my brain keeps saying "what are you doing? This will only lead to more work for you!" The decent human being part of my brain says it is something that needs to happen.

[b]Oh, and husband is not going to be one to push this point. MIL is a very difficult parent to have; it is not easy to be in her good graces. He's comfortable with me being the bad guy and having the tough conversations because he just can't do it. Too much emotional baggage.[/b] [/quote]

OP if this is the case, you're not going to be able to deal with your MIL on your own.  She will get too nasty and your husband will cave.  Continue to offer reasonable options (a nurse who comes in, a cleaning service, assisted living services) to both your DH and FIL.  Expect to hear no. Have a plan for when a crisis comes what you will do, even if you have to do it on your own (maybe have 2 in case DH can't deal with one of them).  Rest and know that you did the best you could.  Getting old sucks.  My grandmother was super reasonable but fought tooth and nail every piece of help she offered until it was impossible to say no.
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