Anonymous
Post 04/24/2015 23:26     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
OP here. I've spent some time helping them over the last few days. Turns out there is four plus years of sporadically opened mail (most unopened). Lots of unpaid or ignored bills. Jewelry purchased years ago, still in bag from store, never made it out of bag.

Health situation not good. Denial is a huge factor for both MIL and FIL. Neither is ready to acknowledge that there is a problem.

I'm having a glass of wine and calling it a night. Will resume efforts tomorrow and see where I can get with them.
Anonymous
Post 04/24/2015 14:29     Subject: Re:Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
OP, have you spent much time with your MIL lately? I went through a recent move for my aunt, and although I thought she was competent (i.e. still paying her own bills, maintaining house, etc.), it turned out she was having problems with memory -- mainly short term recall. I didn't recognize it until after I got her to move here.

There is an organization which lists senior moving companies that can help you with the transition (once you convince her to move). Check out this website http://www.nasmm.org/
I used one of the companies listed here (in Florida), and they did EVERYTHING. Helped her make decisions on what to keep, sorted, packed, sold what was left (including furniture). Worked with the real estate agent to help stage the house for the market. Worth every penny.

Another thing I would highly suggest is that you get a handle on their finances once they get settled. Do it while there is some level of cognitive ability because it only gets harder. My aunt had her money scattered all over the place in different banks and funds. I eventually became the trustee of her estate and moved everything to one financial planner to manage.

Good luck OP. This is a very challenging and stressful undertaking.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 14:44     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Anonymous wrote:Can you get power of attorney/guardianship?


OP here. I've done guardianship cases before, and honestly, I'm not sure we'd win this one (and we'd permanently infuriate MIL). Given how she lives it is questionable whether she is competent. It is clear she's not able to care for herself. But she's smart, and certainly does not have memory loss or confusion or anything else that would more typically be recognized as lacking competence. If worst comes to worst that may be a route we'd pursue, but that would be the definition of burning bridges with her. That's something I'm trying to avoid if at all possible.

I have a call in to a social worker now. We'll see if that's a possible resource. This is just so out of hand.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 14:19     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Can you get power of attorney/guardianship?
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 13:12     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not sure why I need therapy. Maybe because I'm willingly trying to my in laws to move closer to me?


Because it's going to be a long and difficult process that brings up a lot of emotions. I am speaking from experience. This type of situation is very hard on a person and especially on a marriage if your DH is not stepping up and is forcing you to be the "bad guy". Take care of yourself and your marriage by getting some outside help.


Yep. This is the PP who recommended therapy. I did therapy when my family was dealing with a hoarding-related crisis of one of our members. I probably needed it the least of anyone involved (though we all did)--but I was the only one with the time and energy to do it, so I saw someone who specialized in hoarding treatment. It served two purposes--1) I could tell the family what she had to say about our situation and how best to handle my family member and 2) I dealt with some of my own low-grade anxiety issues and long-standing emotions about our family dynamic.

In your case, I think you and your DH ought to talk with a social worker who specializes in elder care issues and can give you some guidance and perspective on what might or might not work in addressing your ILs' complex set of issues. Ideally, DH could also process some of his own emotions that seem to be clouding his judgment and/or preventing action on his part...it's really unfair what he's doing in leaving this all to you. If he can't help you get some perspective, at least get a professional third party involved.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 13:11     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. One of the PPs makes a good point about uprooting them from friends, etc., but in the case of my in-laws, their only remaining relationships in the area are with a hairdresser and another paid weekly service provider. FIL's friends have died; MIL never really had many friends and now has none. I am certain she suffers from, among other things, depression and anxiety. FIL is not in a position to help her get care for that. (She is a difficult person with a strong personality and he won't challenge her.)

I am willing to be the "bad guy" DIL in this situation, because they are in an unhealthy situation. FIL should not be providing this level of care to MIL. MIL will verbally abuse home health care workers unless someone else is to "blame" for the health care worker being there. Their home is dirty and cluttered to an unhealthy degree (it was so bad that I was truly uncomfortable with my children being in "her" space; I did stealth cleaning (picking up piles and cleaning underneath) and was overwhelmed by the accumulated grime. Her breathing is terrible and she attributes it to allergies; I can only imagine the impact the living situation is having on her. It is not just a convenience issue for US, but a health need for them.

Truth be told it is far easier on me to keep my in-laws far away and have no responsibilities with respect to their care. The logical part of my brain keeps saying "what are you doing? This will only lead to more work for you!" The decent human being part of my brain says it is something that needs to happen.

Oh, and husband is not going to be one to push this point. MIL is a very difficult parent to have; it is not easy to be in her good graces. He's comfortable with me being the bad guy and having the tough conversations because he just can't do it. Too much emotional baggage.



OP if this is the case, you're not going to be able to deal with your MIL on your own. She will get too nasty and your husband will cave. Continue to offer reasonable options (a nurse who comes in, a cleaning service, assisted living services) to both your DH and FIL. Expect to hear no. Have a plan for when a crisis comes what you will do, even if you have to do it on your own (maybe have 2 in case DH can't deal with one of them). Rest and know that you did the best you could. Getting old sucks. My grandmother was super reasonable but fought tooth and nail every piece of help she offered until it was impossible to say no.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 12:53     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not sure why I need therapy. Maybe because I'm willingly trying to my in laws to move closer to me?


Because it's going to be a long and difficult process that brings up a lot of emotions. I am speaking from experience. This type of situation is very hard on a person and especially on a marriage if your DH is not stepping up and is forcing you to be the "bad guy". Take care of yourself and your marriage by getting some outside help.
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 12:46     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
OP here. Not sure why I need therapy. Maybe because I'm willingly trying to my in laws to move closer to me?
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 12:32     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't see how forcing a mentally ill, verbally abusive frail woman to move is actually going to be good for anyone--not her, not you, not DH who she isn't close to. It is late in the game to change the rather less than ideal path they are on--and really late for you tackle any underlying dysfunction.


That's bullshit. It is physically and mentally unsafe for her to be in that house. It will absolutely be good to force her to move.


It's worth asking the question. From the OP's follow-up, I think they're long past the point of "convincing" MIL to move and more to the point that either necessity or possibly FIL demanding that they move would be the only two things that would make it happen. Given the level of squalor and inability to move through the house would look like "necessity" to any sane person--that says something about MIL's mental condition. And, if MIL truly is a hoarder, it may not seem to her that moving is an improvement--unclear from the facts presented, but possible. Untreated mental illness can lead people to make conclusions that wouldn't seem normal to others.

So this notion of an "absolute" good...the only absolute good I can see here is therapy for *any* of the players involved in this situation, including the OP.

The fact that it's all left to the OP tells me there's a long history of dysfunction here, though....sometimes
Anonymous
Post 04/23/2015 12:20     Subject: Elderly parents/in-laws: how to help them recognize it's time to move?
Anonymous wrote:I don't see how forcing a mentally ill, verbally abusive frail woman to move is actually going to be good for anyone--not her, not you, not DH who she isn't close to. It is late in the game to change the rather less than ideal path they are on--and really late for you tackle any underlying dysfunction.


That's bullshit. It is physically and mentally unsafe for her to be in that house. It will absolutely be good to force her to move.