Anonymous wrote:My DH's parents divorced when he and his two sisters were in their late 20s. His mother remarried. Her husband has 3 children and a adult brother with special needs. Two of the children are teenagers. The extended family is all wonderful, but it really puts a strain on MIL and her husband to visit everyone. There just isn't enough time and money to visit all the family throughout the year. And the teenagers, rightfully so, are a bit needier of time and attention. So it just often seems like they get the majority of the time. Finally, it doesn't help that they bought a house where his family, including his adult son and teenagers, live. It will always just be skewed in the favor of his family.

Finally, to top it all of, DH's father is a big mess. Financially and mentally unstable. Highly functioning and refusing to get mental help. But burning through retirement savings (at 59) and not working a full time job. It is obvious why MIL divorced him, but ultimately, the stress of what to do with him and how to prepare for the inevitable outcome of his selfish behavior has fallen to his children.

My husband's relationship with his mother has never recovered because he felt like her ultimate choice was her own happiness at the expense of his own. Of course, he understands this isn't really fair to her.. and that she did deserve to be happy... but that still leaves him with the burden of his father.

Needless to say, there hasn't been a "home" for him in a long time.

Anonymous wrote:My DH's parents divorced when he and his two sisters were in their late 20s. His mother remarried. Her husband has 3 children and a adult brother with special needs. Two of the children are teenagers. The extended family is all wonderful, but it really puts a strain on MIL and her husband to visit everyone. There just isn't enough time and money to visit all the family throughout the year. And the teenagers, rightfully so, are a bit needier of time and attention. So it just often seems like they get the majority of the time. Finally, it doesn't help that they bought a house where his family, including his adult son and teenagers, live. It will always just be skewed in the favor of his family.

Finally, to top it all of, DH's father is a big mess. Financially and mentally unstable. Highly functioning and refusing to get mental help. But burning through retirement savings (at 59) and not working a full time job. It is obvious why MIL divorced him, but ultimately, the stress of what to do with him and how to prepare for the inevitable outcome of his selfish behavior has fallen to his children.

My husband's relationship with his mother has never recovered because he felt like her ultimate choice was her own happiness at the expense of his own. Of course, he understands this isn't really fair to her.. and that she did deserve to be happy... but that still leaves him with the burden of his father.

Needless to say, there hasn't been a "home" for him in a long time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but wondering what this means/ looks like to adult children of divorce? I'm divorced and my kids are getting close to going away to college. I reallywant to give them a "home base." . Currently in a townhouse that I bought to get the kids through high school in a good school district. I really don't want to be here in 20 years, and don't think it's really cozy and home-y anywau.

I think some of it is unavoidable. I just don't feel at home anymore at my dad's house without my mom there. And when I know I have to pack up my toddlers and all their crap and schlep them over to my mom's house, I feel less at home. Getting less time at each parent's home makes it feel less like a home. But it's not like I get twice as many vacation days because of their divorce, right? I also haaaate how my mom constantly nags me for more grandchild time-- splitting up grandchild time is a natural consequence of divorce, and she was very naive not to anticipate that.

It's nice if you can live in the same area, even if not in the same house. That way they can more easily maintain relationships with friends and feel a sense of continuity and community. That is often a casualty of divorce.

The other major factor is new partners/stepfamily. Disliking a step-parent, problem step-siblings (or younger ones), or a troubled relationship between the parent and step-parent, will make a house not feel like home. Or to be told that a parent can't see you on the holidays because they are with their new spouse's family. Instead of having two parents caring about their children, you have one parent caring, and then some other person who doesn't care as much and has their own agenda.

I realize that these things are very difficult to arrange, if not impossible. That's important for you to understand. I think ultimately, it's best to accept that your children, and their partners and children, will be bearing the burden of your divorce for the rest of your life. Own your choice and acknowledge the consequences. Be understanding of the difficulties this poses-- logistical, financial, and emotional-- and don't try to deny it to make yourself feel better. Things can seem ok in the 20s and early 30s, but it gets a lot more difficult when grandchildren arrive and parents begin to age. The hardest part of having divorced parents is caring for them when they are elderly, in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:It's hard. There's a lot of social pressure to be positive and accepting of our parents' divorces. Yet, even as adults it is painful and burdensome in very real ways, especially as parents age and their decision to divorce means they are alone and vulnerable. People who don't have divorced parents have a hard time understanding.

Anonymous wrote:I was 12 when they split. For many years it didn't matter to me, but now that I have kids I wish there was a big family Christmas/Easter/whatever at Grandma's house like I had. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. All on good terms, no drama or weirdness.

^^
OP, please understand that almost no one actually has this. My parents and my spouse's parents are married and trust me, there is no great family holiday where everyone is on good terms and there is no drama or weirdness! If that's how you remember your childhood before age 12, I'm guessing the adults were hiding the drama and bad terms from you. Yes, divorce creates problems, but so do tons of other issues -- mental health, financial problems, resentments, inheiritances, percieved inequities, disagreements over who is making the freaking turkey, new SILs refusal to allow her kid to eat non-organic, etc, etc. Most family gatherings are one degree from boiling over. You are idealizing what you do not have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but wondering what this means/ looks like to adult children of divorce? I'm divorced and my kids are getting close to going away to college. I reallywant to give them a "home base." . Currently in a townhouse that I bought to get the kids through high school in a good school district. I really don't want to be here in 20 years, and don't think it's really cozy and home-y anywau.