Reply to His Family Bringing Up His Ex

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?[/quote]

Forever.  You will have to listen to it (gracefully) forever.

You can think of your relationship as "2nd string" if you want, but please remember that YOU are putting that spin on it, no one else.  Just because your husband has a relationship with someone else (albeit not a romantic or sexual one anymore presumably) doesn't mean that YOU have to think of that relationship as being more important than yours.  You live with him, you go home every night to him, etc.  Why on earth would you think of your relationship as "second string" just because some relative has a 5 minute conversation with your husband about the mother of his children?

Having said that, however, please take responsibility for the fact that you knowingly married a man who had previous relationships and kids with someone else before he met you.  Those people will be in his life forever, to whatever degree HE HIMSELF decides together with THEM.   You, presumably, knew about the prior marriage and kids when you met him.  If you had the expectation that you could proceed in this relationship pretending that the mother doesn't exist or getting other people to pretend the mother doesn't exist, then that was an entirely unreasonable expectation.  Focus on your husband's relationship with you and stop trying to control his relationships with other people.  You can't control them.  You can only decide whether or not those relationships are something you want to live with.
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I'm guessing you didn't see the follow up post. I'm not overly worried or anxiety ridden over this. I haven't said anything to him (and obviously not to his family either) about this. I was just wondering if it's normal. If he wanted to be with her, I'm quite certain that could have happened, and it didn't, so again, I don't think HE considers our relationship that. I'm wondering if HIS FAMILY does. And, really, his opinion of that is the only one that actually matters. But family is important to both of us, and I would like to feel "accepted" from his extended family, if that makes any sense. I'm not just saying his parents or siblings. It's his whole family that asks, like aunts, uncles, older cousins, nieces, etc. I think the ones his age tend to be a little more understanding and they typically don't try to start a conversation about her when I'm sitting right there.

Not sure where you're getting the impression I want to pretend she doesn't exist or control people. I get along well with all his family (well, except for the sister and a couple of her kids...but, that's another issue and not just one I have with them) The ex and I get a long well and there is no animosity between us. It clearly isn't her fault or doing that this happens. I'm not even sure if she knows.
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You do want her not to exist... in the areas you feel like you have a "right" to control, which seems to be with his extended family.  Believing that her name shouldn't be mentioned in front of you by extended family is a form of "erasure" of her from your life.  You are seeking to control -- you are posting here looking for someone to tell you that it's "not normal" for a husband's family to talk about his ex-wife in front of his present wife.  Then, armed with this self-justification, you will go to hubby and explain that this is "not normal" and ask him to tell other people to stop doing it.

I don't know why you equate "feeling accepted" with having his family not bring her up.  That you feel that way is YOUR problem and something that you really need to think hard about.  You are the only one who can be responsible for how you feel.

It's normal for people to talk about other people that they have formed relationships (even when those people are no longer a daily part of one's life).  What's not normal is to expect relatives not to talk about someone else in front of you for fear of upsetting you or making you feel "second class".  [/quote]

Why would I like someone not to exist, when ALL parties involved get along with fine and she is my stepsons mother? I didn't say her name isn't to be mentioned, and I would NEVER EVER even hint to him that or to say that to his parents or family. Ever. I am also 100% not showing this thread to him. I am using the anonymous forum to gain experiences from other people in similar situations. Not to gather an arsenal to present to him and say "see! you all need to stop talking about her!"

I am just wanting to know if it's common courtesy to maybe, while you're clearing dishes, have a minute convo with just him to ask if she's alive and well. Not sitting in the family room with everyone, having a conversation, and then bringing her up so they can all talk about her for 5+ minutes, about everything they're missing about her, while I'm sitting there twiddling my thumbs. I know I DO NOT ask about my sister's ex to her, and they have an awesome relationship (together 15, divorced just 2) and I occasionally talk to him (about arranging kid stuff though, since our kids are super close). There'd be no way in hell I'd ask her about him in front of someone she is dating. Or bring him up in general unless she does. It just seems rude. So, that's why I have the perceptive I do. But I'm thinking maybe I'm just an outlier and over protecting feelings it in that regard.[/quote]

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