Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?

Forever. You will have to listen to it (gracefully) forever.

You can think of your relationship as "2nd string" if you want, but please remember that YOU are putting that spin on it, no one else. Just because your husband has a relationship with someone else (albeit not a romantic or sexual one anymore presumably) doesn't mean that YOU have to think of that relationship as being more important than yours. You live with him, you go home every night to him, etc. Why on earth would you think of your relationship as "second string" just because some relative has a 5 minute conversation with your husband about the mother of his children?

Having said that, however, please take responsibility for the fact that you knowingly married a man who had previous relationships and kids with someone else before he met you. Those people will be in his life forever, to whatever degree HE HIMSELF decides together with THEM. You, presumably, knew about the prior marriage and kids when you met him. If you had the expectation that you could proceed in this relationship pretending that the mother doesn't exist or getting other people to pretend the mother doesn't exist, then that was an entirely unreasonable expectation. Focus on your husband's relationship with you and stop trying to control his relationships with other people. You can't control them. You can only decide whether or not those relationships are something you want to live with.

I'm guessing you didn't see the follow up post. I'm not overly worried or anxiety ridden over this. I haven't said anything to him (and obviously not to his family either) about this. I was just wondering if it's normal. If he wanted to be with her, I'm quite certain that could have happened, and it didn't, so again, I don't think HE considers our relationship that. I'm wondering if HIS FAMILY does. And, really, his opinion of that is the only one that actually matters. But family is important to both of us, and I would like to feel "accepted" from his extended family, if that makes any sense. I'm not just saying his parents or siblings. It's his whole family that asks, like aunts, uncles, older cousins, nieces, etc. I think the ones his age tend to be a little more understanding and they typically don't try to start a conversation about her when I'm sitting right there.

Not sure where you're getting the impression I want to pretend she doesn't exist or control people. I get along well with all his family (well, except for the sister and a couple of her kids...but, that's another issue and not just one I have with them) The ex and I get a long well and there is no animosity between us. It clearly isn't her fault or doing that this happens. I'm not even sure if she knows.

You do want her not to exist... in the areas you feel like you have a "right" to control, which seems to be with his extended family. Believing that her name shouldn't be mentioned in front of you by extended family is a form of "erasure" of her from your life. You are seeking to control -- you are posting here looking for someone to tell you that it's "not normal" for a husband's family to talk about his ex-wife in front of his present wife. Then, armed with this self-justification, you will go to hubby and explain that this is "not normal" and ask him to tell other people to stop doing it.

I don't know why you equate "feeling accepted" with having his family not bring her up. That you feel that way is YOUR problem and something that you really need to think hard about. You are the only one who can be responsible for how you feel.

It's normal for people to talk about other people that they have formed relationships (even when those people are no longer a daily part of one's life). What's not normal is to expect relatives not to talk about someone else in front of you for fear of upsetting you or making you feel "second class".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Or maybe he's feeding you the typical blame-the-ex line and exaggerating, and his family actually likes her.

She cheated on him, and is still with the man she cheated with. His whole family is happy for her and the new guy because she was able to move on and be happy in life again. That was what bothered him. But, he never said anything about her being the cheater and catalyst for the relationship ending. He told them things weren't working out, he probably wasn't being a good partner, so they went their separate ways and that's why it ended. I mean, it could be bullshit, except I know she is living with this guy and I know his family doesn't think she cheated on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is about to be 10. His family is not local, tho, they are all up in New England. There is no daily activities or school events that they are involved in since they're so far away. And my ex, like you, shielded his family from all her wrongdoing and completely took the fall for the relationship ending, in order to protect their view of her. Which is partly why he was bothered, initially, after the break up that they were all still wanting to keep up with her and what she was doing all the time. I'm not sure if he still feels that way now though.

The questions really aren't about logistics with his kid. In that case, like for a holiday or when we travel up there, they just ask if his kid is going to be able to make it or if they are with the ex. That would be ludicrous for me to be at all bothered by, and I'm not.

It is the wanting to be current in everything going on in her life that I was unsure about. Where's she living. Where's she working. How's she doing. Did she move? Where to? Why? Is she still with ___. How often do you talk to her and see her?

I wasn't sure if these were normal questions to be asking 2-3 years after breaking up with someone. A "how's ___ doing?" and a reply of "Oh, she's doing well." followed by a "that's good to her, send her my best" to me, seems like a normal exchange. Not 5+ minutes about her.

But apparently, that's normal, so I'll adjust my expectations on that. Thank you for the insight from everyone!

Or maybe he's feeding you the typical blame-the-ex line and exaggerating, and his family actually likes her.

She cheated on him, and is still with the man she cheated with. His whole family is happy for her and the new guy because she was able to move on and be happy in life again. That was what bothered him. But, he never said anything about her being the cheater and catalyst for the relationship ending. He told them things weren't working out, he probably wasn't being a good partner, so they went their separate ways and that's why it ended. I mean, it could be bullshit, except I know she is living with this guy and I know his family doesn't think she cheated on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is about to be 10. His family is not local, tho, they are all up in New England. There is no daily activities or school events that they are involved in since they're so far away. And my ex, like you, shielded his family from all her wrongdoing and completely took the fall for the relationship ending, in order to protect their view of her. Which is partly why he was bothered, initially, after the break up that they were all still wanting to keep up with her and what she was doing all the time. I'm not sure if he still feels that way now though.

The questions really aren't about logistics with his kid. In that case, like for a holiday or when we travel up there, they just ask if his kid is going to be able to make it or if they are with the ex. That would be ludicrous for me to be at all bothered by, and I'm not.

It is the wanting to be current in everything going on in her life that I was unsure about. Where's she living. Where's she working. How's she doing. Did she move? Where to? Why? Is she still with ___. How often do you talk to her and see her?

I wasn't sure if these were normal questions to be asking 2-3 years after breaking up with someone. A "how's ___ doing?" and a reply of "Oh, she's doing well." followed by a "that's good to her, send her my best" to me, seems like a normal exchange. Not 5+ minutes about her.

But apparently, that's normal, so I'll adjust my expectations on that. Thank you for the insight from everyone!

Or maybe he's feeding you the typical blame-the-ex line and exaggerating, and his family actually likes her.

She cheated on him, and is still with the man she cheated with. His whole family is happy for her and the new guy because she was able to move on and be happy in life again. That was what bothered him. But, he never said anything about her being the cheater and catalyst for the relationship ending. He told them things weren't working out, he probably wasn't being a good partner, so they went their separate ways and that's why it ended. I mean, it could be bullshit, except I know she is living with this guy and I know his family doesn't think she cheated on him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He is about to be 10. His family is not local, tho, they are all up in New England. There is no daily activities or school events that they are involved in since they're so far away. And my ex, like you, shielded his family from all her wrongdoing and completely took the fall for the relationship ending, in order to protect their view of her. Which is partly why he was bothered, initially, after the break up that they were all still wanting to keep up with her and what she was doing all the time. I'm not sure if he still feels that way now though.

The questions really aren't about logistics with his kid. In that case, like for a holiday or when we travel up there, they just ask if his kid is going to be able to make it or if they are with the ex. That would be ludicrous for me to be at all bothered by, and I'm not.

It is the wanting to be current in everything going on in her life that I was unsure about. Where's she living. Where's she working. How's she doing. Did she move? Where to? Why? Is she still with ___. How often do you talk to her and see her?

I wasn't sure if these were normal questions to be asking 2-3 years after breaking up with someone. A "how's ___ doing?" and a reply of "Oh, she's doing well." followed by a "that's good to her, send her my best" to me, seems like a normal exchange. Not 5+ minutes about her.

But apparently, that's normal, so I'll adjust my expectations on that. Thank you for the insight from everyone!

Or maybe he's feeding you the typical blame-the-ex line and exaggerating, and his family actually likes her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?

Forever. You will have to listen to it (gracefully) forever.

You can think of your relationship as "2nd string" if you want, but please remember that YOU are putting that spin on it, no one else. Just because your husband has a relationship with someone else (albeit not a romantic or sexual one anymore presumably) doesn't mean that YOU have to think of that relationship as being more important than yours. You live with him, you go home every night to him, etc. Why on earth would you think of your relationship as "second string" just because some relative has a 5 minute conversation with your husband about the mother of his children?

Having said that, however, please take responsibility for the fact that you knowingly married a man who had previous relationships and kids with someone else before he met you. Those people will be in his life forever, to whatever degree HE HIMSELF decides together with THEM. You, presumably, knew about the prior marriage and kids when you met him. If you had the expectation that you could proceed in this relationship pretending that the mother doesn't exist or getting other people to pretend the mother doesn't exist, then that was an entirely unreasonable expectation. Focus on your husband's relationship with you and stop trying to control his relationships with other people. You can't control them. You can only decide whether or not those relationships are something you want to live with.

I'm guessing you didn't see the follow up post. I'm not overly worried or anxiety ridden over this. I haven't said anything to him (and obviously not to his family either) about this. I was just wondering if it's normal. If he wanted to be with her, I'm quite certain that could have happened, and it didn't, so again, I don't think HE considers our relationship that. I'm wondering if HIS FAMILY does. And, really, his opinion of that is the only one that actually matters. But family is important to both of us, and I would like to feel "accepted" from his extended family, if that makes any sense. I'm not just saying his parents or siblings. It's his whole family that asks, like aunts, uncles, older cousins, nieces, etc. I think the ones his age tend to be a little more understanding and they typically don't try to start a conversation about her when I'm sitting right there.

Not sure where you're getting the impression I want to pretend she doesn't exist or control people. I get along well with all his family (well, except for the sister and a couple of her kids...but, that's another issue and not just one I have with them) The ex and I get a long well and there is no animosity between us. It clearly isn't her fault or doing that this happens. I'm not even sure if she knows.

Anonymous wrote:
He is about to be 10. His family is not local, tho, they are all up in New England. There is no daily activities or school events that they are involved in since they're so far away. And my ex, like you, shielded his family from all her wrongdoing and completely took the fall for the relationship ending, in order to protect their view of her. Which is partly why he was bothered, initially, after the break up that they were all still wanting to keep up with her and what she was doing all the time. I'm not sure if he still feels that way now though.

The questions really aren't about logistics with his kid. In that case, like for a holiday or when we travel up there, they just ask if his kid is going to be able to make it or if they are with the ex. That would be ludicrous for me to be at all bothered by, and I'm not.

It is the wanting to be current in everything going on in her life that I was unsure about. Where's she living. Where's she working. How's she doing. Did she move? Where to? Why? Is she still with ___. How often do you talk to her and see her?

I wasn't sure if these were normal questions to be asking 2-3 years after breaking up with someone. A "how's ___ doing?" and a reply of "Oh, she's doing well." followed by a "that's good to her, send her my best" to me, seems like a normal exchange. Not 5+ minutes about her.

But apparently, that's normal, so I'll adjust my expectations on that. Thank you for the insight from everyone!

Anonymous wrote:I think it's normal for you to be asking, OP. You are just wondering.

I can see this one from both sides, and am also curious -- how old is the child? My kids are old enough to answer all the questions everyone asks them. So naturally, their father's name comes up regularly. When they come back from their father's house, my family asks a lot of questions.

In terms of questions I get asked about my ex, it depends on who is doing the asking and the particular circumstances. Right now it might be (from anyone): Is he taking the kids somewhere for winter break? What are their plans? Will he be at the game on Saturday? That type of thing. Rarely is someone asking about his personal well-being. Although, someone might ask if he's still working at the same place? Did he buy a house, etc? They also ask if he's dating someone, I assume b/c I am.

For a long time, with my sister and BIL, I kept nearly all of the sordid details of my bad relationship with my ex quiet. Things came to a head recently, and it was necessary to fill them in. Of course you can't relay years of bad deeds, but just what they needed to know. They were both very surprised to hear how bad things have been, so I guess we were doing a good job interacting. For my kids, at school, around friends and family, I tolerate him and would never say anything. So it does not surprise me when people ask about him. They have no idea how bad our relationship is. It's polite conversation most of the time, or they just want to ask b/c it impacts the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't think they'd bring her up in front of you if they still wished he was with her. The fact that they bring up their grandchild's mother is because they are comfortable with their expanding family in the form that it is in, and that includes you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?

Forever. You will have to listen to it (gracefully) forever.

You can think of your relationship as "2nd string" if you want, but please remember that YOU are putting that spin on it, no one else. Just because your husband has a relationship with someone else (albeit not a romantic or sexual one anymore presumably) doesn't mean that YOU have to think of that relationship as being more important than yours. You live with him, you go home every night to him, etc. Why on earth would you think of your relationship as "second string" just because some relative has a 5 minute conversation with your husband about the mother of his children?

Having said that, however, please take responsibility for the fact that you knowingly married a man who had previous relationships and kids with someone else before he met you. Those people will be in his life forever, to whatever degree HE HIMSELF decides together with THEM. You, presumably, knew about the prior marriage and kids when you met him. If you had the expectation that you could proceed in this relationship pretending that the mother doesn't exist or getting other people to pretend the mother doesn't exist, then that was an entirely unreasonable expectation. Focus on your husband's relationship with you and stop trying to control his relationships with other people. You can't control them. You can only decide whether or not those relationships are something you want to live with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, how long should I have to listen to his family bring up his ex?

His ex is a very nice person, they were together 6 or 7 years. I have no issues with her, she has no issues with me and we get along (they have a kid so are in contact frequently.) I get along with his family and they seem to like me. But every time we see them, one of the first things they ask about is his ex. Is this normal? Do I just have to deal with being his "2nd string" relationship forever?

His extended family is more understandable, as we don't see them or talk to them as often, so maybe they just want to catch up on her well-being. And I'm not sure if they are in contact with her anymore, other than I think they might be Facebook friends. But his sister makes a point of asking something about her EVERY SINGLE TIME we see her, which is often. And, she still talks to her anyway, so clearly she knows how she's doing. I can't figure out if she's doing it to get under my skin or make a point or what.

Anyway, is this normal? Do family members bring up someone's ex for years and years after they've broken up?

Forever. You will have to listen to it (gracefully) forever.

You can think of your relationship as "2nd string" if you want, but please remember that YOU are putting that spin on it, no one else. Just because your husband has a relationship with someone else (albeit not a romantic or sexual one anymore presumably) doesn't mean that YOU have to think of that relationship as being more important than yours. You live with him, you go home every night to him, etc. Why on earth would you think of your relationship as "second string" just because some relative has a 5 minute conversation with your husband about the mother of his children?

Having said that, however, please take responsibility for the fact that you knowingly married a man who had previous relationships and kids with someone else before he met you. Those people will be in his life forever, to whatever degree HE HIMSELF decides together with THEM. You, presumably, knew about the prior marriage and kids when you met him. If you had the expectation that you could proceed in this relationship pretending that the mother doesn't exist or getting other people to pretend the mother doesn't exist, then that was an entirely unreasonable expectation. Focus on your husband's relationship with you and stop trying to control his relationships with other people. You can't control them. You can only decide whether or not those relationships are something you want to live with.