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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow. I cannot imagine living w/a hoarder. [b]And it seems when you try to help them out, by assisting them w/throwing out a thing or two (or ten!!), they seem to go almost homicidal.[/b] If anyone here has seen the show "Hoarders," you know what I mean. Families actually are being destroyed over people wanting others to throw useless object away. Sometimes the emotions get so heated that counselors have to jump in and start therapy sessions on the spot. It's so sad. :(

So as you can see, hoarding is a very serious issue OP and if you want to keep your marriage in tact, you must handle it very cautiously.

[b]I would advise asking a neutral third party to intervene and talk to your wife about this. Perhaps if someone else addresses this issue w/your wife instead of you, she may listen and take it more seriously.[/b]

Do you have a mutual friend/neighbor/family member/church member, etc.?

This would be a great suggestion and an important first step.[/quote]

It would be very careful about approaching a 3rd party that isn't a trained neutral 3rd party.  I came to the realizations on my own with the push that my husband has a line with the state of the house (way less than his normal standards but better than my mom's house) that if crossed would mean marriage counseling but if my husband had asked a family member or friend to say something to me the embarrassment, shame, and feeling exposed to someone in a way that feels unequal (like Jane knows this about me, but I don't know any of Jane's problem) would have overshadowed the message.  My sister tried to get an Aunt to intervene with my mom and my mom got very upset with my sister and aunt. At the end of the day it changed nothing and there was a spell with no one speaking.  I don't know that the relationships fully recovered to the pre-intervention state.

I also agree about not just throwing things out.  I have finally gotten to the point that I trust my husband to go thru old stuff and that he wouldn't throw out something I would keep.  If he had just thrown things out before I was ready to make a change, that would have probably have caused me to hoard more and would not have helped me start to become an ally in fighting clutter.  I'm not sure if I can explain my thinking clearly but to just throw things out means you are frustrated and trying to expedite things.  It's like the person that does the quick thing, not necessarily the right thing to just be done.  In that type of mood, how can I trust that the person won't just throw out everything including something that legitimately (by non-hoarding standards) should be kept or the boderline things that Im not ready to let go of yet.  Then there is the trust that if you do this once, how often will this be done? Will I come home  from work and surprise, you've thrown all my stuff out again without asking. Imagine of every so often someone else went thru your closet and donated your clothes and oops donated your favorite suit or decided you didn't need these papers or being extreme decided we really only need one car or should change your car. The loss of control ...of being able to make your own decisions and of knowing where and what you have would be startling.  If you are holding onto things to begin with because it gives you a sense of control you can see how someone doing a stealth clean sweep is exactly the wrong approach.

So anyway, like so many things in life I really believe it starts with the mental mindset.  I'm not sure how but your wife has to both realize the gravity of doing nothing and going down this path (your relationship, example for the kids, being able to have grandkids come over one day) and be willing to be introspective about why she needs 134 pairs of shoes (either on her own or with counseling).  Until those two things happen, things like getting an organizer or just cleaning house will be a temporary fix or make the problems worse.

[/quote]

OP here. Thank you for the generosity of sharing your insights. There is alot to take in but I'm glad you pointed out the risk of just throwing things out. I used to think she was just messy - heck we all are on any given day. It was only recently that I have started to clue into the fact that she doesn't want to discard things that had me thinking there is something bigger going on. I have started to work on certain parts of the house. I am hopeful that as she sees how nice things are it'll will be motivation. That and I think the kids because she really is a very loving mom.[/quote]

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