Reply to Holiday issue- older generation does not accept gay relative

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think this is a really challenging situation because it is forcing you to choose between two values that are really important to you: acceptance of people generally and specifically of a cousin whom you care about AND spending the holidays with grandparents/older generation. [b]The thing is, you aren't the one making the choice. You and your cousins are generously inviting everyone, and some people are choosing not to come[/b]. There's nothing you can do and that's hard to accept. Try to remember that you aren't excluding anyone. You are inviting all the people who are important to your family and setting a generous and accepting example for your children (and nieces and nephews) of inviting all family members. [b]Your parents and aunt and uncle are excluding themselves. They are making the decision to deprive themselves of a holiday with their children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews in order to make a point. [/b]It is sad for all of you that you can't all be together. But there is nothing you can do.[/quote]

This.  [b]I would be sad to find that my parents were such bigots.  But I would make it clear that they were 100 percent welcome and we really wanted to see them, and that it was totally their choice to exclude themselves.  Your kids don't get to see your parents on the holidays because your parents have chosen being bigoted over seeing their grandchildren on the holidays.  [/b]

FWIW, can you offer to drive your parents to the Thanksgiving celebration, even if it means your family takes two cars or two trips?  Just on the off chance that they aren't making excuses but are just get old and weird about driving?[/quote]

[b]Not accepting the gay lifestyle does not make the OP's  parent's and aunt and uncle  bigots.  They are older and may feel that way for religious reasons, etc.[/b]

It is unfortunate that because the OP has taken a stand for her cousin's lifestyle, that  her parents were "indirectly excluded" and now the grandchildren's relationship with their grandparents  will suffer.  The OP could compromise and  take turns spending the holidays with her parents and cousins separately like many families do when they have to split holiday visits between divorced parents, etc.  [/quote]

[b]You have offered the reasons they are bigots, not an argument that they are not bigots.  [/b][/quote]

My objective was not to debate bigotry.  That is the problem here.  Perceived bigotry becomes a soapbox at the expense of family relationships.[/quote]

NP here.  Unfortunately, you chose a poor argument.  Yes, unfortunately, not accepting a gay married couple, even for religious reasons, *IS* bigotry which is the intolerance of different opinions and beliefs.  It is the correct term.  Whether the parents and uncles/aunts have taken such a stance due to religious reasons or for personal reasons, they are intolerant of someone who is gay and chosen to marry a partner of the same sex.  It is unfortunate, but the parents are not excluded.  They have been purposely included, but have chosen to exclude themselves by concocting specious reasons that only highlight that they are being intolerant.

OP--I think the best that you can do is continue as you have done.  Include the cousin and his husband in the festivities, invite the older generation and accept when they decline.  Would you prefer that they show up and make a scene being rude and intolerant to the cousin and his husband directly to their faces?  My suggestion for trying to get some holiday time with your parents so that your kids can see their grandparents is have a small intimate family setting with them after the big event.  So have Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday with the big extended family and if your parents don't come, then have brunch on Saturday or Sunday with your parents and the kids.  Likewise, if you see the extended family for Christmas dinner and your parents don't show, invite them for brunch on New Year's Day.[/quote]

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