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[quote=Anonymous]I understand your anger and your grief.  I'm not sure what my mother's issue is but my father had a personality disorder and very violent.  He controlled nearly everything about our lives.  After he died (my youngest sibling was 20), my mother married a guy who we'd known for years and showered him with the same devotion she had my father.  That guy was actually decent.  But, it was my mother who catered to his every whim, worked to anticipate his every need/desire and placed greater value on his kids than her own - to the point that when I returned from a 3 year overseas stint (no visits home during that time) and went to visit her in Florida where they were wintering, I was told I needed to leave a few days after I arrived because his kids were coming.  There wasn't enough room for us all at their place.  My older brother had a somewhat similar experience.  He was returning from a 2 year deployment.  She wasn't even going to come home from Florida for his return.  She was preparing for the church bazaar.

Now, although she will say or insinuate that she was doing all this because of her husband  none of this was her husband's idea.  It was all hers.  I know she told him it was always my plan to have such a short visit and that my brother told her he was going to visit some other people first.  It was part of that devotion/catering to the man her life no matter what it did to anyone else. Actually, that's not quite true.  She will do for everyone else but not her kids.  People think she's a saint and can't believe she has such ungrateful/unappreciative kids.  She also works very hard to keep us separated from her husband's family.  She makes sure we spend no time together.  I'm not expecting to be best buddies with her husband's kids (there are 6 of them and 4 of us - all adults when our parents married).  But, you'd expect some interactions over holidays or just doing things at your parent's house.  Nope.  My mother works hard to make sure we don't see each other.  I have no reason to believe they dislike my siblings and me.  When we have seen each other, everyone's been friendly enough, their father had a prenup before he married my mother and they clearly adore my mother.  A few months after her husband died, my mother and his kids planned a life celebration.  My siblings and I didn't learn of it until it was over.  When I asked my mother why she didn't tell me, her response was that she didn't think I'd want to come.  Of course, this just reinforces the perception people have of my siblings and I - that we're ungrateful, unappreciative and unsupportive of my mother (bless her heart).   It's taken me a while to work through the anger and grief.  It bubbles up sometimes but I have to let it go.[/quote]

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