Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand what the title of this thread means.

Then consider yourself blessed and move on.

Did you use Babelfish? What the hell does "absorbed by the collective" mean? I thought this was going to be about a suicide cult.

Curious about this too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The woman is a disgusting fraud."

There is nothing in your post that actually supports the idea that she is engaging in fraudulent behavior.

How about pretending to be worried he will work too hard and then letting him operate a chainsaw while on blood thinners? The fraud part is her concern for him. The fraud part is her pretense that she has no control.

She may suck as a person but your dad choose her to be his wife so for whatever reason he finds her personality appealing



Now, if you said your dad was not mentally able to make decisions for himself then that would be another story.

Well, the truth is, he is NOT, but its not because he is mentally challenged. He has some kind of dependent personality problem and is terrified of losing her. She makes sure to leverage that.

His life, his choice.

You betcha.

Think of it this way - he may totally hate your spouse as well. He just keeps it to himself.

Wrong. That is not the case. He continues to be supportive of us in his own internal way. He just used to be a different person. I hope you never experience this.

You are right. He is now a different person. And that's ok.

I am not sure what "his own internal way" means but I think you mean you believe he is silently supporting you. I think that's just your own make believe and something you hang onto so you don't have to admit he is no longer the person you thought he was.

You might not always like the way people change but it's their prerogative to do so.

Oh my. OP, I think your father has a lot of problems and one of them is you. I think what bothers you most is the fact you aren't the one controlling your dad's life. It sounds like he moves from one controlling woman to another.

The things you've said your father said to you: those are pretty bad, but I'm not sure how you can blame all of it on your stepmother. He's a grown man, he makes his own choices.

As far as the prenup, did your dad not bring any resources to the marriage? If yes, then he is a fool. If no, then what did you expect?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, people do change when they get old. It sounds like you don't like the guy your dad has become. Fine. But it's a little misguided to act like he has no control over that.

Its not even that simple. Sure, there are changes he might have gone through regardless due to age. That is an x factor here. What is NOT an x factor are these established facts:
1) If it was really important to HIM to spend time with his granddaughter, then he would.
2) If it were really important to HER that he spend time with his granddaughter, then he would.

That is the rub. That is what makes is so unpleasant at best. Her directive is always the override. Regardless.

Ive had a family member witness what happens when he suggests seeing me. She fills up his schedule on whatever day he proposes to visit me. If he persists even in the least, she starts to passive agressively make him miserable. None of it is overt, but the message gets through.

Its all textbook. Doesnt make it easier to live with.

I'm sorry, but you have your answer right there.

OP here. By the way, Im not making up that this person is what I say she is. I have studied it, I have consulted therapists and social workers. I have spoken to a few trusted in the close circle. None of this is a perception problem on my part. Its a well documented problem that cannot be fixed. That is why its bad.

If any of you who dont know what this is like care to read up on the cult of narcissism, please do. I guarantee you experiencing it is another matter.

No, OP, it is not a well documented problem just because you saw a therapist or social worker to discuss your issues with her. She has not been diagnosed with anything. You just don't like her. That's fair, but that is your problem, not hers.

I advise you see a better therapist who won't tell you what is wrong with someone they don't know and instead help you with your strange rage.

I understand your anger and your grief. I'm not sure what my mother's issue is but my father had a personality disorder and very violent. He controlled nearly everything about our lives. After he died (my youngest sibling was 20), my mother married a guy who we'd known for years and showered him with the same devotion she had my father. That guy was actually decent. But, it was my mother who catered to his every whim, worked to anticipate his every need/desire and placed greater value on his kids than her own - to the point that when I returned from a 3 year overseas stint (no visits home during that time) and went to visit her in Florida where they were wintering, I was told I needed to leave a few days after I arrived because his kids were coming. There wasn't enough room for us all at their place. My older brother had a somewhat similar experience. He was returning from a 2 year deployment. She wasn't even going to come home from Florida for his return. She was preparing for the church bazaar.

Now, although she will say or insinuate that she was doing all this because of her husband none of this was her husband's idea. It was all hers. I know she told him it was always my plan to have such a short visit and that my brother told her he was going to visit some other people first. It was part of that devotion/catering to the man her life no matter what it did to anyone else. Actually, that's not quite true. She will do for everyone else but not her kids. People think she's a saint and can't believe she has such ungrateful/unappreciative kids. She also works very hard to keep us separated from her husband's family. She makes sure we spend no time together. I'm not expecting to be best buddies with her husband's kids (there are 6 of them and 4 of us - all adults when our parents married). But, you'd expect some interactions over holidays or just doing things at your parent's house. Nope. My mother works hard to make sure we don't see each other. I have no reason to believe they dislike my siblings and me. When we have seen each other, everyone's been friendly enough, their father had a prenup before he married my mother and they clearly adore my mother. A few months after her husband died, my mother and his kids planned a life celebration. My siblings and I didn't learn of it until it was over. When I asked my mother why she didn't tell me, her response was that she didn't think I'd want to come. Of course, this just reinforces the perception people have of my siblings and I - that we're ungrateful, unappreciative and unsupportive of my mother (bless her heart). It's taken me a while to work through the anger and grief. It bubbles up sometimes but I have to let it go.

OP,

Your dad is making his choices. You have to find a way to either be OK with what he can give you at this point or move on.

OP, so does he not get his wife fills his schedule on days when he makes plans with you? What if you just show up? What if you tell him not to tell her? You're right about one thing, if he really wanted to see you, he would find a way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand what the title of this thread means.

Then consider yourself blessed and move on.

Did you use Babelfish? What the hell does "absorbed by the collective" mean? I thought this was going to be about a suicide cult.

Anonymous wrote:I still don't understand what the title of this thread means.

Then consider yourself blessed and move on.

Anonymous wrote:OP, people do change when they get old. It sounds like you don't like the guy your dad has become. Fine. But it's a little misguided to act like he has no control over that.

Its not even that simple. Sure, there are changes he might have gone through regardless due to age. That is an x factor here. What is NOT an x factor are these established facts:
1) If it was really important to HIM to spend time with his granddaughter, then he would.
2) If it were really important to HER that he spend time with his granddaughter, then he would.

That is the rub. That is what makes is so unpleasant at best. Her directive is always the override. Regardless.

Ive had a family member witness what happens when he suggests seeing me. She fills up his schedule on whatever day he proposes to visit me. If he persists even in the least, she starts to passive agressively make him miserable. None of it is overt, but the message gets through.

Its all textbook. Doesnt make it easier to live with.

OP, people do change when they get old. It sounds like you don't like the guy your dad has become. Fine. But it's a little misguided to act like he has no control over that.

I still don't understand what the title of this thread means.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"The woman is a disgusting fraud."

There is nothing in your post that actually supports the idea that she is engaging in fraudulent behavior.

How about pretending to be worried he will work too hard and then letting him operate a chainsaw while on blood thinners? The fraud part is her concern for him. The fraud part is her pretense that she has no control.

She may suck as a person but your dad choose her to be his wife so for whatever reason he finds her personality appealing



Now, if you said your dad was not mentally able to make decisions for himself then that would be another story.

Well, the truth is, he is NOT, but its not because he is mentally challenged. He has some kind of dependent personality problem and is terrified of losing her. She makes sure to leverage that.

His life, his choice.

You betcha.

Think of it this way - he may totally hate your spouse as well. He just keeps it to himself.

Wrong. That is not the case. He continues to be supportive of us in his own internal way. He just used to be a different person. I hope you never experience this.